As I was sitting there with stuffed sprawled all over my dog hair covered living room carpet, I kept nervously glancing over my left shoulder down the hall way to see if I was about to get busted. It was scarier than trying to traffic reindeer during Christmas.
As I sat there, I thought about my seven year old first grader and my five year old kindergartners. Going "Oh gosh, this is how it's going to happen, THIS is how they will learn the truth, that Santa...is a LIE"
So here are the ways I will ruin the magic for my kids on Christmas and they will EVENTUALLY figure it out far too soon.
- My wrapping skills SUCK. They will eventually figure out that Mommy's presents she wraps for their BIRTHDAY'S is the same SHODDY wrapping skills that they receive for Christmas. It's the thought that counts darn it. I mean, the item IS at least covered in wrapping paper, so it's all good.
- They will realize that the VERY same wrapping paper we just picked out together at the store...is also the same wrapping paper 'Santa' used on all of their presents, even the ones from Mom and Dad. Oops. Poor thinking on that one, I will admit I do not think my wrapping paper selection through very carefully.
- If they ever closely inspect the presents on Christmas morning and see all of the flappin' dog hair stuck to the tape used to tape the wrapping paper on, they will figure it out. We have three white dogs....that isn't polar bear fur. Have you seen a polar bear's paws? Too big and bulky to wrap a present, my kids know that. Dog hair invades EVERYTHING in our house. You can't miss it. Ever, no matter how many times you vacuum.
- They will hear me wrapping presents. Not just the wrapping paper. They will literally wake up and come in and see what mom is cursing out this time. $%&# wrapping paper and tape!! Or they will hear the movie I'm watching and come seek me out (because of COURSE the remote gets lost in all the wrapping paper and I can't just get up and turn DOWN the TV, and what else would I wrap presents to other than a good horror movie? Nothing says tis the seasons like a bit of blood and gore.
- They will just randomly wake up and catch me in the act, and I will have literally NO come back. None. Nada. I'll just be BUSTED.
- I will end up leaving some kind of incriminating evidence behind. Like the wrapping paper. Or some bows. Or maybe even a present.
- My hand writing. I have the WORST hand writing on the planet, I hate it. It's ugly. My cursive writing is WORSE than my print. They see my hand writing ever day. They will figure it out. I cannot mask my awful hand writing, I've tried. I even try being "sneaky" and writing their names in "all caps", *sigh* No luck.
My Mother was/is like the all time PERFECT gift wrapper, she's even a diabolical gift wrapper at that. NOT ONLY does she make your presents IMPOSSIBLE and so so SO FRUSTRATING to unwrap, but she makes them look gorgeous while she's at it. So she tortures you on two different levels. One, knowing I can NEVER meet up to her standards on wrapping a present, and two? I will NEVER EVER find out what is inside that present because there is so much tape, layers of paper, boxes, etc. It's enough to drive a person INSANE. She's been doing this to me since I was two. My Mother is evil, but awesome.
I was nearly in tears last night attempting to wrap some of these gifts. My daughter had watched a commercial for a toy, and Santa had handed this little girl a present all bedecked in SHINY wrapping paper. My daughter hadn't cared one bit about the toy the kid GOT, she was hooked on the shiny sliver wrapping paper, she squealed "MOOOMMY!! I would so love for Santa to bring me something wrapped in SHINY paper! It's so BEAUTIFUL" You could almost see the tears of aw in her eyes.
Well crap. What's a mom to do. Of course I ran out and bought some SHINY wrapping paper (thank you dollar store you little cheap store you!)
So last night I sat and wrapped nearly all of her presents in bright and shiny silver wrapping paper! I hope she likes it. Just something small, that I over heard, remembered, and put in to place. Whether she will notice or not.....I have no idea. I even did a few shiny ones for the boys too.
I looked like a hot mess trying to wrap presents. Watching a scary movie, shoving cats and dogs off of me left and right (hope they didn't put a hole in the wrapping paper). Kept losing the darn tape, kept losing the scissors. To be fair, I had already lost both before I even SAT DOWN to wrap anything. TWICE.
Even though my wrapping is terrible as well as my hand writing. The wrapping is done and Santa is ready to come. I didn't leave behind any evidence, not even a scrap of paper was left behind.
Mom Circus
