Rules of Being Thirty

October came and I turned thirty.  It was just another day.  I did blog about it though.  It wasn't a magical day or anything, I mean it wasn't awful by any means but I felt no different than I had when I was 25, 26, 27, 28, or 29.  It was just another year, I was just getting another year older.  It's always a blessing to make it ONE MORE YEAR in this life, because we never know how much time we have on this earth. 

However, since October 15th (my birthday), I've done a bit of thinking and considering.  I came up with a few 'rules' of being thirty.  By rules I mean, things that I have applied to me, but may not apply to you at all, and that's ok.  If you are anything like me you hate reading blogs that boss you around and tell you what you should be or should not be doing.  So please, don't take this as another one of those 'bossy blogs', telling a mom who they should act, or should feel about something.  Only you can control how you feel or act, not a blog.  Though I guess it is something to think about?

I was 22 when I had my daughter, and I turned 23 a month after she was born. Before I had my daughter I was a fairly active person.  My husband and I would go out to a bar once or twice a month with friends.  We weren't drinkers by any means, alcohol has never really been a big 'thing' for us.  Especially coming from a family that suffers from alcohol abuse.  It wasn't something we really felt like diving into, just didn't seem like a 'good' idea.  So while most 21 year olds are out partying it up, we weren't quite so much on the party train drinking because we were finally legally old enough to buy it and drink it. 

However, we did enjoy going to the bars with some friends and singing karaoke.  There is something hilarious about being the only sober person in a bar and listening to these drunk people trying to sing their hearts out, but hey, they were having a great time, and so did I, only I had a great time being SOBER, as did my husband. 

Before kids we would go on random car trips.  I was down for any adventure that came my way.  Want to go hiking on a random trail?  Let's do it!! Want to go target shooting at the shooting range out in the middle of no where?  SURE!! (We met some interesting people out there and I got the chance to shoot off some awesome guns, one of which promptly knocked me on my ass!)  Loved every minute though.  It's not an experience not too many people get to do.

We would have game nights at our house, we had Halloween parties at our house, holiday get togethers with friends, random hang out nights etc. 

Life was pretty care free and responsibility free, and it was pretty great.  My only worries at the time were college, and work. 

We planned our wedding, got married a week after I turned 22, and then a year later our first child was born (a month before our first wedding anniversary).  I was the happiest mom on the face of the planet.  Husband whom I loved (and still do love, and we've been married for 8 years now), a beautiful perfect little girl who was (and still is) my entire world. 

However, when she was born I went in to MOM MODE.  I lost myself.  I lost my self to parenting.  This isn't particularly a BAD thing, not by any means! Just my husband and I shifted our entire life, our entire thought process shifted into parent mode. 

I realized fairly quickly while I was pregnant with my daughter that I had no REAL friends (well I did but they had either moved away, or already lived out of the area, or were drifting away as my life style was changing from theirs, as they were still in party mode and I was the married, settled down with a baby on the way friend now who was suddenly 'no fun'). 

Don't get me wrong I was still a pretty spontaneous fun pregnant woman.  I went hiking while pregnant, and went on mini adventures still.  I was brave/stupid and road a four wheeler (carefully and slowly) and a horse while pregnant.  Not something many pregnant women choose to do.  Getting out and DOING things was a lot better than sitting at home throwing up all the time (which I had extreme morning sickness all day every day the entire pregnancy with my daughter and keeping myself BUSY was the only thing that helped even a little!)  So I still wasn't the boring mom when I was pregnant. 

Husband and I enjoyed things like ceramics painting at a studio here in town before, and after our wedding, and during pregnancy, and after our daughter was born.  We were crushed when the studio closed.  I enjoyed going to flea markets around the area while pregnant and after my daughter was born.  I even toured a winery while pregnant (no wine tasting for me thank you very much), but it was a neat experience. 

We are a very family oriented family.  We greatly enjoy those family activities.  We love that stuff.  You know the stuff that most families did back in the day but that doesn't really seem to be a "BIG" thing here lately.  It's kind of sad to see the way a lot of families are drifting a part and not making family a priority anymore. 

However, as the twins were born and they both had medical issues, I became like this tyrant mommy almost.  VERY protective of my children.  I didn't get out and about, but rarely.  We stayed home.  We stayed to our self.  Adventurous days were DONE.  I was sad, and depressed and angry a lot.  I'm sure I wasn't the greatest person to be around sometimes.  I had a lot going on mentally.  A child sick with cancer can really break a parents heart! Another child diagnosed with a seizure disorder and you find yourself thinking is he going to out grow this or will it become full blown grand mal seizures?  My daughter struggling with some unknown foe that made her freak out over noises, and clothing, and music, and her speech was regressing and she was struggling and no one would listen when I asked for health.  Add on to that my husband's heart attack he had around the same time of all of this.  I was a mess.  I totally and completely lost myself.

I prayed, and I cried a lot. 

I asked for God to help.  I needed "out" as in I needed out of my house before I lost my friggin mind completely!

God put new people in my path.  That put some of my favorite passions together that I had completely forgot I even loved doing. 

Volunteer work.  I've always LOVED volunteer work.  I love helping my community and being useful and helpful!
Animals, I LOVE animals so much and hate to see them suffer.
Photography, I've always had a huge love for the camera and capturing special moments.
People, I love people, I love working with people.  Talking to people, getting to know them, finding out how I can help them, etc.

Thus I started volunteering at my local animal shelter, and that has blossomed into so much more!

I'm not the photographer for a local rescue group, and through all of this I've grown a lot in my photography over the past 4 years and I love what I am doing.  Because of the people that I know, and the connections I've made, I found my new job that I started three weeks ago.  It's something I enjoy and I get to visit with all kinds of amazing people that have some awesome life stories they can share.

Life has changed quite a bit.

I've always been very extroverted.  People always talk about the struggle for introverts, well let me assure you extroverts have our own fair share of troubles too!

Over the past few years since my kids have gotten in to school and I have been leaving behind the days of stay at home mommy-hood, being more involved with things that I feel a passion towards (photography, volunteer work, participating in my daughters Girl Scout Troop, I branched out and am a co leader this year). 

In the past I had joined local mommy groups in our town and met some great people, most of which I keep in touch with today and we are still friends.  Our kids are about the same ages and it's great to still have these people in my life.  I'm also thankful for the new people I have met as well!

So since I've turned thirty I've noticed some changes in myself. 

For one, I'm far more confident now than I was before in my 20's. 
I'm far more accepting of who I am (what I look like, what I have, who I am etc)
I've always been vocal, but I'm less likely to back down now in a conversation than I was before. 
I'm more willing to stand up for myself and not let others push me around. 
You still don't want to get between me or my kids, or mess with my kids. I'm still a ferocious mama bear.  That hasn't changed, nor will that ever change.  Those kids, are my air, my everything.  I've cried over them, prayed for them, held them, consoled and comforted them.  BEEN there.  When no one else has. 

However, I've also realized that I have to have time for me.  I need to get out of the house and hang out with friends.  I need that connection.  It's ok to talk about my kids when I'm out with my friends, but it's ok to NOT talk about my kids too.  It's ok to talk about what else is important to me, the other things that I love, to admit there is more to my life than just being a mom.  Doesn't mean I don't love my children, it just means I am so much more and am capable of doing so much more as well. 

I want to follow my dreams more, and worry a little less (about what others think, about time, about everything, just worry less).  I'm a huge worry wart, and worrying...is awful. 

I want to get back to being adventurous.  Going new places, doing new things, or at least doing the things I haven't done in a really long time.  (Karaoke night anyone?  C'mon you know you wanna!)

I want to go on a random hike again.  Go on a random road trip etc.  That might mean by myself, with friends, or with my family.  I don't care, any way of 'getting back to what I love' is ok with me.  I love to share my passions with my family, and I love to see what they love as well.

For me being thirty has meant breaking out of my shell a bit more, the cocoon that I wrapped myself in nearly 6 years ago.  It's not fair to me, it's not fair to my children for me to hide away from myself and not pursue things that I love.

Though lately with the start of my new job I have had less time to blog which has ALWAYS been a passion of mine since I was 18.  I haven't even really picked up my camera for awhile either.  Not because I don't want to though!

Be more confident, break out of that cocoon I put myself in years ago, and don't ever be afraid to be me.  Embrace your 30's, you can't go back in time.  I won't be 21 again, and I'm ok with that.  I can still enjoy things I've always enjoyed or find out if I still enjoy those things now.

Sorry for the poor photo, it was from a friends cell phone.  That's me, sitting at the club.  The bar is behind me.  It was a rather spur of the moment decision to go out. A friend was feeling blah and wanted to go out.  She had no kids for the weekend, and all of my kids were already in bed asleep and my husband said "Hey, go for it, have fun and I'll see you later".  Plus the club is literally like 2 blocks from my house so walking there and back wasn't a problem.  

Recently I've been trying to do some things that I've never done before.  One thing, I've never done before is go to a club. Yep.  I've never been 'clubbing'.  I've been to a good ol' bar before, but never a club.  I must say....it really wasn't all that interesting for me. 

For one I felt totally out of my 'zone', but that is probably because it's something I've never done before.  Plus, umm well, I don't dance "LIKE THAT" if you know what I mean.  So this chicky, sat down and people watched, a lot.  I'm sorry, I'm happily married and didn't want some random man trying to dance up on me and stuff.  No thank ya.  Just cause I'm out with some lady friends of mine doesn't mean I'm letting it ALL hang loose.  Plus, I really super suck at dancing. 

I had jello shots for the first time.  Umm, hello.  Where have YOU been all my life?  Haha! Good thing we are not a fan of alcohol in my house.  They were good though,  I will say that.  Just not something I want to partake in on a regular basis.  I still have my standards. 

Equally bad photo from a cell phone, but yes, I was having a jello shot. First one I have ever had. I ended up with a total of 4.

Me, with as my husband calls her "My only fun friend"

The next morning I joked around with my husband that he should tell me I can't hang around my friend (the one that asked me to go to the club with her), because she's a bad influence.  He laughed and said "I can't do that, she's your only friend"  I informed him she is NOT my only friend.  Of which he replied, "Yeh, but she's your only FUN friend". 

Hey.  Not fair.  I have plenty of fun friends.  They just have various levels and degrees of fun, ok? 

For instance last night I went out with a couple of ladies to a painting studio in our community.  We were hoping a few more moms would join us, but there ended up being three from our group (though other people came to the studio to paint last night too). 



We had a great time though.  Laughing, painting, and enjoying some snacks.  (There was wine, but none of us participated in that, thank you very much).  We just enjoyed the painting and visiting.  We talked about our kids, we talked about things that DIDN'T involve our kids, we laughed as we painted and it just felt nice to visit with other ladies. 


Plus I now have an awesome owl painting to hang in my living room. We had plenty of fun! No club needed or involved. 


This afternoon I will be participating in a community informational meeting at the local library with some other amazing ladies that I am proud to call friends, as we give out information on become foster parents for the dog rescue that I am a part of.  I guarantee you that we will have fun doing THAT as well.

There is just all kinds of fun to be had, ok? 

So essentially what I'm saying is.  Don't become old and stuffy ok?  You aren't old and stuffy.  You are as young and vibrant as you want to be.  You can have any kind of 'fun' you want.  It doesn't have to involve alcohol or wild parties or clubs (in fact I prefer mine to NOT include those things, but I'm also not scared to venture out and visit a new place). 

Get your husband out there to do things with you too (I'm still working on that, my husband thinks he IS old and stuffy so getting him out of the house has always been difficult! He's not much of a people person).  I'm an extrovert married to an introvert, what the heck? How does that happen?

Just go out there and do something.  Don't get lost in being a mom.  I'm not saying FORGET you are a mom, not by any means.  I don't mean party every weekend.  I just want you to get out there love yourself, and do something fun and maybe a little unexpected. 

Mom Circus

Life Doesn't Always Go As 'Planned'

So yesterday when I posted my post for the day, and then shared it on Facebook it automatically 'chose' a photo to display with the post.  It had absolutely NOTHING at all to do with the post, but it was a photo that was already ON my page, and thus somewhere between Bloggerville here and Facebookville they decided THAT photo was the 'one' that needed to be shared WITH the blog.

Not the one I would have chosen, and believe you me it did not give me an option to CHOOSE what photo I wanted. 

It isn't a bad photo, not at all.  It's one of my son as an infant in the hospital, after a surgery for his cancer.  Many years ago.  (ok it feels like many years ago but really 5 years isn't that long ago). 

As I got to thinking about it, I was like wow, you know...that kind of DOES have some bearing on my post Christmas post.  For many reasons!

My son started chemo for Neuroblastoma at the tender age of 6 months old.  Before starting chemo he had an eight hour surgery to remove as much of the cancer as they could.  It was terrifying.  Chemo was started roughly 9 days later.  His third cycle of chemo fell just a few days before my sons were to celebrate their VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS. 

Yep.  First Christmas. 

What do most families do with their children on THEIR first Christmas?  My boys were just a few days shy of being 8 months old for their first Christmas.  MOST parents are fervently wrapping presents and making sure their child's FIRST CHRISTMAS is perfect.  Scheduling family dinners, anxiously anticipating how their child will react to all of the new goodies, erm, wrapping paper and boxes. 

They are buying "Babies First Christmas" stockings and little hats.  They are getting their children's Christmas photos taken, and buying cuuuute little out fits and planning and planning to go see Santa, and to go to their Church Christmas programs.  Happily sending out Christmas cards of their child's first Christmas.  Some are even making plans to announce that baby #2 will be coming soon (what a fun 'present' for their current kids first Christmas). 

These are all activities that I did with my daughter for HER first Christmas (only we were announcing the genders of her baby brothers, and that was for her SECOND Christmas).  My daughter was barely 3 months old for HER first Christmas.  I remember we lost her in the torn open wrapping paper, haha!

My sons?

They had a TERRIBLE first Christmas. 

We were all super mega sick to begin with.  Son Circus #2 was still reeling from his third cycle of chemo just days a day and a half prior to Christmas morning. 

We were miserable. 

My husband's mom and sister and her (now ex) husband came to visit for Christmas.  I hadn't REALLY wanted any company, but the husband had already told her to come down (even though the month BEFORE she had come for Thanksgiving KNOWING that she had full blown pneumonia, KNOWING that our son had a very compromised immune system, and she coughed/hacked all OVER the place and got mad when I told her HECK NO you can't hold these children! I was furious that she had lied about being sick and had shown up after everyone ELSE had stayed away for Thanksgiving. 

So here she shows up for Christmas too. 

I was less than pleased, but too sick at that point to put up much of a fight.  I was battling stress, which had all but killed my immune system.  I just was sick.  My other two children were super sick too, because of course we caught ALL the cruds that were going around that year too.

However, my youngest son, was the sickest. 

He was MISERABLE on Christmas morning.  He CRIED and SCREAMED the entire day.  Snot everywhere.  Coughing, angry, miserable little boy.  It broke my heart. 

Sure the kids had on their cute little Christmas PJ's, but that didn't make up for the fact they were so darn miserable. 

Sure they had plenty of goodies under the tree, but no one wanted to open their presents.  None of us.  We didn't care.  We didn't want to eat the food my husband (who was the only person NOT sick) had prepared. 

Then out of no where, my son had a fever spike, which to him was a 101.5.  For most families that is cause to pay attention, but NOT generally a cause to panic. 

However, when your child is nearly 8 months old, and a cancer patient....oh yes, it's time to take notice and take action.  The children's hospital had to be called ON CHRISTMAS.  My mother in law drove my husband and our son 35mi away (which compared to how far SOME families have to travel for their child's Oncologists, the distance we had to go was NOT far at all). 

I was crushed I couldn't be with my son, but there was NO WAY they would have let me in the children's section of the hospital to be with my child.  Plus I had two other miserable kids at home that NEEDED Mommy just as much. 

So my husband handled things with our son at the hospital (and he was fantastic), and I stayed home snuggled with my other two crying my eyes out because I was sick and miserable and so were my kids, and we couldn't ALL be together, on the boys' FIRST CHRISTMAS for crying out loud. 

First Christmas.

Not a memory we can get back, ever.  The memory we have of that day, is the memory we will always have of that day.  There is no redo button. 

There was no visit with Santa for us that year.  A memory that hurts not to have.  So many people take that for granted.  However, it is what it is, and no point dwelling on it.  The beautiful fact is?  My son has gotten to see Santa every year since then and that is a beautiful blessing indeed. 

They never got a babies first Christmas stocking or hat, because well, we just never had the time to go buy one. 

The boys never got that first Christmas cute out fit, other than the PJ's (and I think those were a gift from my Mother).  Again, we just never had time to do it.  Also with it being cold and flu season...going into crowded stores was NOT something we were really excited to do. 

There was no Church visit. 

There were no Christmas lights to be seen that year.  Heck, we barely got our Christmas tree up! I think our tree went up a day and a half before Christmas that year! AND that was the year we had to buy a new tree stand to go WITH the tree, and that was nearly a night mare, there almost wasn't a tree at all that year.

I think it hurt the most we just weren't together for Christmas.  Half way through it all, all activities came to a stop because our son NEEDED to go to the hospital.  They have your immune compromised child go to the hospital when he runs a 101.5 fever because it could be from an infection in his port, or who knows what else, but a fever like that we KNEW meant one thing.  We were going in patient again.  On Christmas day.

Turns out our son had pneumonia for Christmas that year.  What a nice present, huh?

He didn't get home until New Years Eve. 

Then had to go back in a couple weeks later or so for his last cycle of chemo. 

Certainly not what I expected for my little boys' first Christmas. 

In fact, nearly everything with my twin sons never went "to plan" but that is the difference between MY PLANS and God's plans. 

I didn't expect to have twins in the first place.  I didn't expect one to have cancer and one to have seizures.  There was and still are a lot of "I didn't expect that". 

I remember when the boys were still pretty young, still toddlers.  I would see new moms out and about with their tiny little bundles of baby boy. Then I would see them out and about with their little boy (that was around the same age my son was when he was diagnosed with cancer and our world did a spiral crazy nose dive).  It HURT.  I would cry.  I felt like I was denied something.  I didn't get to just snuggle and cuddle and ENJOY both of my baby boys.  It isn't every day a person has TWINS (I mean it's more common now than it used to be, but still not EVERYONE has twins).  I felt like it was something so special, and I didn't get to fully enjoy it and revel in it the way other moms got to enjoy their newborn sons.  The way I got to enjoy my newborn daughter. 

I was a miserable stay at home mom for the first year of their life.  Oh how many tears I cried.  I felt like a prisoner in my home.  I loved my babies fiercely.  Nothing could come between us, but I was so sad and felt like it wasn't fair I wasn't getting to enjoy my newborns.  Part of that was my own fault for not seeing what was right in front of me, and looking back I definitely enjoyed their newborn life more than I thought I was at the time.  I just had far too many high expectations of what it SHOULD be like.  I forgot that SHOULD BE's aren't how things ARE.  I look back at photos of our family during this time, and there are a lot of fun times a lot of smiles and giggles, cuddles and memories.  I didn't miss out on anything, we just found our own way through the chaos, we took a different path. 

Today I think we're about as happy as any other family out there.  In many ways I think we might be more content and satisfied than other families.  Not to say we don't face struggles, because TRUST ME, we do.  We, however, look at those struggles a bit differently now! We notice the small things, we appreciate every small thing, every moment. 

We are able to look back and reflect on what our family has been through, and go from there.  Sometimes I still feel a pang of hurt on something I "didn't" get to do with my sons when they were babies, that I see my little sister having the opportunity to be able to do with her son (who is currently the age my son was when he ended his chemo treatment).  It's a quick kick in my pants for me though, because I am so happy that my nephew is HEALTHY and HAPPY and NOT having to go through what my child went through.  I hope my new baby nephew coming in April is just as healthy as his big brother.  My sons?  They are excited to have another boy in the family, and they are already making plans on how to show those boys how to build with Lego's, how to race cars on a Hot Wheels track, how to ride bikes, and play Power Rangers.  They do not think twice about the past.  That's the pretty cool thing about kids! They move forward and look to the present and the future a lot easier than adults seem to!

So, in light of it being New Years and all, HERE'S TO LOOKING TO THE FUTURE!

Mom Circus