Life Doesn't Always Go As 'Planned'

So yesterday when I posted my post for the day, and then shared it on Facebook it automatically 'chose' a photo to display with the post.  It had absolutely NOTHING at all to do with the post, but it was a photo that was already ON my page, and thus somewhere between Bloggerville here and Facebookville they decided THAT photo was the 'one' that needed to be shared WITH the blog.

Not the one I would have chosen, and believe you me it did not give me an option to CHOOSE what photo I wanted. 

It isn't a bad photo, not at all.  It's one of my son as an infant in the hospital, after a surgery for his cancer.  Many years ago.  (ok it feels like many years ago but really 5 years isn't that long ago). 

As I got to thinking about it, I was like wow, you know...that kind of DOES have some bearing on my post Christmas post.  For many reasons!

My son started chemo for Neuroblastoma at the tender age of 6 months old.  Before starting chemo he had an eight hour surgery to remove as much of the cancer as they could.  It was terrifying.  Chemo was started roughly 9 days later.  His third cycle of chemo fell just a few days before my sons were to celebrate their VERY FIRST CHRISTMAS. 

Yep.  First Christmas. 

What do most families do with their children on THEIR first Christmas?  My boys were just a few days shy of being 8 months old for their first Christmas.  MOST parents are fervently wrapping presents and making sure their child's FIRST CHRISTMAS is perfect.  Scheduling family dinners, anxiously anticipating how their child will react to all of the new goodies, erm, wrapping paper and boxes. 

They are buying "Babies First Christmas" stockings and little hats.  They are getting their children's Christmas photos taken, and buying cuuuute little out fits and planning and planning to go see Santa, and to go to their Church Christmas programs.  Happily sending out Christmas cards of their child's first Christmas.  Some are even making plans to announce that baby #2 will be coming soon (what a fun 'present' for their current kids first Christmas). 

These are all activities that I did with my daughter for HER first Christmas (only we were announcing the genders of her baby brothers, and that was for her SECOND Christmas).  My daughter was barely 3 months old for HER first Christmas.  I remember we lost her in the torn open wrapping paper, haha!

My sons?

They had a TERRIBLE first Christmas. 

We were all super mega sick to begin with.  Son Circus #2 was still reeling from his third cycle of chemo just days a day and a half prior to Christmas morning. 

We were miserable. 

My husband's mom and sister and her (now ex) husband came to visit for Christmas.  I hadn't REALLY wanted any company, but the husband had already told her to come down (even though the month BEFORE she had come for Thanksgiving KNOWING that she had full blown pneumonia, KNOWING that our son had a very compromised immune system, and she coughed/hacked all OVER the place and got mad when I told her HECK NO you can't hold these children! I was furious that she had lied about being sick and had shown up after everyone ELSE had stayed away for Thanksgiving. 

So here she shows up for Christmas too. 

I was less than pleased, but too sick at that point to put up much of a fight.  I was battling stress, which had all but killed my immune system.  I just was sick.  My other two children were super sick too, because of course we caught ALL the cruds that were going around that year too.

However, my youngest son, was the sickest. 

He was MISERABLE on Christmas morning.  He CRIED and SCREAMED the entire day.  Snot everywhere.  Coughing, angry, miserable little boy.  It broke my heart. 

Sure the kids had on their cute little Christmas PJ's, but that didn't make up for the fact they were so darn miserable. 

Sure they had plenty of goodies under the tree, but no one wanted to open their presents.  None of us.  We didn't care.  We didn't want to eat the food my husband (who was the only person NOT sick) had prepared. 

Then out of no where, my son had a fever spike, which to him was a 101.5.  For most families that is cause to pay attention, but NOT generally a cause to panic. 

However, when your child is nearly 8 months old, and a cancer patient....oh yes, it's time to take notice and take action.  The children's hospital had to be called ON CHRISTMAS.  My mother in law drove my husband and our son 35mi away (which compared to how far SOME families have to travel for their child's Oncologists, the distance we had to go was NOT far at all). 

I was crushed I couldn't be with my son, but there was NO WAY they would have let me in the children's section of the hospital to be with my child.  Plus I had two other miserable kids at home that NEEDED Mommy just as much. 

So my husband handled things with our son at the hospital (and he was fantastic), and I stayed home snuggled with my other two crying my eyes out because I was sick and miserable and so were my kids, and we couldn't ALL be together, on the boys' FIRST CHRISTMAS for crying out loud. 

First Christmas.

Not a memory we can get back, ever.  The memory we have of that day, is the memory we will always have of that day.  There is no redo button. 

There was no visit with Santa for us that year.  A memory that hurts not to have.  So many people take that for granted.  However, it is what it is, and no point dwelling on it.  The beautiful fact is?  My son has gotten to see Santa every year since then and that is a beautiful blessing indeed. 

They never got a babies first Christmas stocking or hat, because well, we just never had the time to go buy one. 

The boys never got that first Christmas cute out fit, other than the PJ's (and I think those were a gift from my Mother).  Again, we just never had time to do it.  Also with it being cold and flu season...going into crowded stores was NOT something we were really excited to do. 

There was no Church visit. 

There were no Christmas lights to be seen that year.  Heck, we barely got our Christmas tree up! I think our tree went up a day and a half before Christmas that year! AND that was the year we had to buy a new tree stand to go WITH the tree, and that was nearly a night mare, there almost wasn't a tree at all that year.

I think it hurt the most we just weren't together for Christmas.  Half way through it all, all activities came to a stop because our son NEEDED to go to the hospital.  They have your immune compromised child go to the hospital when he runs a 101.5 fever because it could be from an infection in his port, or who knows what else, but a fever like that we KNEW meant one thing.  We were going in patient again.  On Christmas day.

Turns out our son had pneumonia for Christmas that year.  What a nice present, huh?

He didn't get home until New Years Eve. 

Then had to go back in a couple weeks later or so for his last cycle of chemo. 

Certainly not what I expected for my little boys' first Christmas. 

In fact, nearly everything with my twin sons never went "to plan" but that is the difference between MY PLANS and God's plans. 

I didn't expect to have twins in the first place.  I didn't expect one to have cancer and one to have seizures.  There was and still are a lot of "I didn't expect that". 

I remember when the boys were still pretty young, still toddlers.  I would see new moms out and about with their tiny little bundles of baby boy. Then I would see them out and about with their little boy (that was around the same age my son was when he was diagnosed with cancer and our world did a spiral crazy nose dive).  It HURT.  I would cry.  I felt like I was denied something.  I didn't get to just snuggle and cuddle and ENJOY both of my baby boys.  It isn't every day a person has TWINS (I mean it's more common now than it used to be, but still not EVERYONE has twins).  I felt like it was something so special, and I didn't get to fully enjoy it and revel in it the way other moms got to enjoy their newborn sons.  The way I got to enjoy my newborn daughter. 

I was a miserable stay at home mom for the first year of their life.  Oh how many tears I cried.  I felt like a prisoner in my home.  I loved my babies fiercely.  Nothing could come between us, but I was so sad and felt like it wasn't fair I wasn't getting to enjoy my newborns.  Part of that was my own fault for not seeing what was right in front of me, and looking back I definitely enjoyed their newborn life more than I thought I was at the time.  I just had far too many high expectations of what it SHOULD be like.  I forgot that SHOULD BE's aren't how things ARE.  I look back at photos of our family during this time, and there are a lot of fun times a lot of smiles and giggles, cuddles and memories.  I didn't miss out on anything, we just found our own way through the chaos, we took a different path. 

Today I think we're about as happy as any other family out there.  In many ways I think we might be more content and satisfied than other families.  Not to say we don't face struggles, because TRUST ME, we do.  We, however, look at those struggles a bit differently now! We notice the small things, we appreciate every small thing, every moment. 

We are able to look back and reflect on what our family has been through, and go from there.  Sometimes I still feel a pang of hurt on something I "didn't" get to do with my sons when they were babies, that I see my little sister having the opportunity to be able to do with her son (who is currently the age my son was when he ended his chemo treatment).  It's a quick kick in my pants for me though, because I am so happy that my nephew is HEALTHY and HAPPY and NOT having to go through what my child went through.  I hope my new baby nephew coming in April is just as healthy as his big brother.  My sons?  They are excited to have another boy in the family, and they are already making plans on how to show those boys how to build with Lego's, how to race cars on a Hot Wheels track, how to ride bikes, and play Power Rangers.  They do not think twice about the past.  That's the pretty cool thing about kids! They move forward and look to the present and the future a lot easier than adults seem to!

So, in light of it being New Years and all, HERE'S TO LOOKING TO THE FUTURE!

Mom Circus