The Beauty of Your Soul

Tonight. Was a rough mom night. Not because my kids were driving me crazy, but because my brilliant, awesome, amazing, loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, creative, smart, beautiful daughter...had a break down. She's only 6 years old. But... the sweet heart, had things she NEEDED to say and she NEEDED Mommy to listen, REALLY REALLY listen. So she yelled. So she cried. I held her. I let her get it out.

It really is true, that once you have a child...it really IS a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body. 

She has struggled with a speech delay, and undiagnosed sensory processing disorder, and what we're beginning to understand might also be an Auditory sensory disorder as well (which would explain so many of the issues we're having with her speech over the years). This girl is amazing. She is my first born. She means so incredibly much to me, and she has no idea how amazing she is. Tonight she screamed and sobbed. She let me know she hates being WEIRD and why is she WEIRD. She hates her voice, she hates her mouth and she wants to change them. She wants a new brain, one that isn't broken. She wants to keep everything else about her the same, but change her voice, mouth and broken brain. Oh how she cried. Oh how I cried on the inside for her, and yes a few tears on the outside though I held it together the best I could. I didn't know what to say. I just kept telling her, that she is the way God made her. God wanted her this way, he has a reason, a plan. That he made her special, it's not being weird, and so what if she even if she WAS weird, EVERYONE is a little weird in their own way. I'm weird, her Daddy is weird, everyone in our family is a little "weird", but that's ok, it makes us unique, it makes us who we are. 

My wish for you?  Unfurl those gorgeous wings and FLY.  Spread your lovely soul and show the world how amazing you are.

I was so proud of her while she was screaming to me/at me whatever she needed to get out. She was using her words in a way she's struggled with for so long. She was letting me in, telling me everything that was wrong, and she didn't even know how perfect she was in that moment, and every moment of every day. I have always hated it when people/kids would say "WHY does she talk so WEIRD?" They act like she's not even there, or have such a rude undertone, like she's broken or faulty in some way. This beautiful little girl has been by her Mommy's side through my pregnancy with the twins, she was with me and such a help during one of her brothers having seizures as a young toddler, she has been by my side during her other baby brothers cancer, and though she was only 2 when he started chemo and had all of these big surgeries...oh what a help she was and so amazing. She would lay with me at night when I was up with her sick brother who couldn't stop crying. She cried at the hospital when her brother was ever in pain or any other child. 

She has such compassion and empathy for others. She wants to help. This is the girl who donates items to the local animal shelter for her birthday, and who loves dogs and cats and all of God's creatures the same, and was rescuing worms off the drive through our neighborhood before school one day so they wouldn't get ran over, and she sobbed when the bus arrived and she had to get on, and she wasn't done saving the worms. I promised her I would continue to rescue the worms, and I did exactly that. Just for her. 

Taken on our recent family vacation to Des Moines, IA, where we visited the Blank Park Zoo.  She's ever the photo opportunist, as she hopped up on this frog statue that I had completely missed she calls after me "Mama, take my picture quick! The sun, it's in my eyes!" So of course, I did JUST that, snapped a quick picture.

There is nothing WEIRD or broken about this little girl. She is everything right in this world. She is MY world. The way she see's the world, her point of view, everything is beautiful, exciting, awesome, and new. She wants to be friends with everyone, she loves everyone. She tells people "God loves you, God made you perfect and God died for you because he LOVES you" Her speech may be fragmented sometimes, but she always has a lot of wisdom to what she says, and she always wants to help you. She isn't afraid to stand up for others. I will do whatever I can to stand up for HER.

I am so saddened that kids at summer school were calling her weird and making her feel bad for how she speaks. She has been feeling so down because of her struggles with reading, and counting due to her speech delay. Then on top of that add her issues with sensory processing disorder and auditory processing disorder, and it's a lot for a little girl to handle some times. My heart (a third of it) is walking around outside of my body, in the form of my daughter, and right now...that chunk of my heart is so sad and frustrated. Please send good mommy vibes my way to help me figure out how to help my little girl feel better about her beautifully and wonderfully made self. This sweet child of mine, her full name translates to "precious gift of God" and that is PRECISELY what she is. Her name was no accident, it was given to her for a reason.

There is not one single thing "faulty" about this child.  She is wonderfully and beautifully made, the way GOD created her.  She is a constant work in progress, the way God intends all of us to be. She has a beautiful soul, kind eyes, and so much love and compassion. I was no where NEARLY as amazing when I was a child her age, I was just simply mean and a wee bit of a bully.  My daughter, is kind to everyone (ok cept maybe her brothers...) and wants to help the world some day, and I know she will find a way to do just that.

I sat there as she cried holding her close to me cradling her in my arms.  Prior to her emotional out pouring, I had been working in her bedroom, clearing out her closet getting rid of old clothes she couldn't wear anymore, having her try on clothes to see if they would fit for this fall and what not, doing lots of organizing and rearranging of her closet.  She was right in there with me working and helping.  It was a lot of work, she had to keep trying on all of these clothes, and she has had a growth spurt, so unfortunately most of the stuff I THOUGHT she could use this fall, she seems to have completely skipped.  So she was frustrated and hot, and so was I.  Plus Mommy tossing things this way and that and saying where these clothes were going...and I think it all just was too much for her.  Her senses were on over load central.  She was feeling extra sensitive and everything came boiling to a head and just spilled over.  Out of no where...she just erupted.  I don't even know what the final straw was honestly! One minute she's standing there looking at me and then suddenly she's storming out of the room yelling how she hates her voice and wants to punish it and wants a new mouth and how she hates having a broken brain and needs a new one, and her eyes weren't working at school, they caused her to cry because she couldn't read the words right or count right.  That she couldn't do it, and kids were calling her weird and she said she needed to punch herself (which is not ok, and is something she has done VERY few times in the past when she is frustrated).  She cried as she told me she crawled under the table at school and cried because she was shy and scared and mad and sad because she couldn't do it right (reading and counting).  How the teacher told her she couldn't be under the table and needed to participate.  This little  girl had so much to say and the words just came pouring out.  Sometimes fragmented, sometimes rushed together, but they were THERE.  She was getting it out.  Her fears, emotions, struggles, things that NEEDED to be said.  Things that she had been holding up inside of her.  I had no idea she was so upset. 

She is always such a happy and up beat child.  Full of sass and energy, she will tell you what she thinks of something and be very matter of fact and to the point.  If she's upset, you know about it.

We just sat together, in the hall way outside her bedroom door.  I held her.  I cradled her in my arms and I just held her.  I whispered to her that I loved her, I was there for her, and I was listening.  Whatever she needed to say, say it, take all the time you need.  You have me, 100%.  I didn't know in that moment what all I should say, could say.  I think that was ok.  I don't think she NEEDED me to say anything.  She just needed me to LISTEN.  To HEAR her.

My Mother in law was sitting not far away, and she over heard what my daughter was saying, and later on I heard my mother in law and my daughter having a hear to hear talk in the bedroom. My Mother in law struggled with speech issues in school, my husband and both of his sisters struggled with speech issues as well.  She shared with my daughter experiences that she had in school, and let her know that she got through it, it wasn't always easy, but that she (my daughter) has parents that love and care for her, and that she has Grandparents that love and care for her, and brothers that love and care for her, and people who WANT her to succeed and who believe in her and KNOW she can do it.  That she really has come a very long way and has a lot to be proud of, and to not let others get her down. 

My Mother in law and I might not always see eye to eye, but in that moment, I was very thankful for her and what she had to say to my daughter.  She was able to share her experiences with my daughter, and my daughter sat and listened, and realized she wasn't alone. It isn't often my mother in law opens up like that, and I'm glad they were able to share that moment together.

This photo was taken about a year ago, of my mother in law and Daughter Circus playing dress up shortly after my mother in law (AKA Grandma Circus #1) moved in with us.  They were being Princesses. 

Mom Circus

Mommy Jones and the Last Coffee Crusade, Part 2

"...You sat there, dark and handsome, like a tall cup of sexy and mystery all rolled into one. I stared into your dark eyes, I could feel the heat between us. The steam curled and rose around my flesh. I inhaled your addictive and intoxicating scent. I couldn't wait to be with you, to be one with you. I could feel the energy throbbing, ready to explode. With shaking hands, and dreamy eyes I took my first sip of coffee for the day. It was pure ecstasy. The amazing sensation, the taste, the unmistakable feeling of powerful caffeine coursing through my throat as I swallowed. It was a feeling, a rush, so amazing it was difficult to describe. With each glorious drink that I took, I could feel my body awakening. Soon my body felt like every part of me was buzzing with kinetic energy. I felt alive, nothing else could make me feel this way, nothing, but coffee. I spoke your name, "Oh, coffee, is it too good to be true?" I knew you wouldn't answer me, your silence kept you shrouded in mystery. Our love affair had gone on for far too long, and always left me wanting for more. I couldn't quit you, you were my addiction, I needed you, wanted you, I longed for you every morning. Without you, my day felt empty like something was missing. Some days felt like I couldn't live without you, like I just couldn't go on. To have you near me, to wrap my hands around a warm cup of your beauty, and breathe you in, I never want you to end. Like all good things, I knew our daily meeting would end and I would have to ready myself for the real world, I knew I could face the world having spent my precious early morning time with you. As I fondly sigh and give you a final last longing glance, I know it isn't good bye. We will be together again, in the morning. "Oh coffee...parting....is such sweet sorrow..."

Mmmm I actually was able to drink TWO cups of coffee this morning without incident. Oh yes, best morning ever.  Though I'm beginning to think I need to switch to decaf. 


It was a great morning, Until Circus Son #2 decided to spill his entire bowl of corn pops or whatever you call them, all over the kitchen table, himself, and the floor, oh and the kitten.  That was lovely, but hey at least I had savored two cups of precious precious coffee! Now I can handle ANYTHING (ok well, not anything...but I'll do my best). 


Today we go to check out some dish washers.  We've had a dish washer since we moved to our currently location....but the sucker hasn't worked for nearly 3 years now, and of course the land lord has had no rush to fix or replace it as it isn't one of those "necessary" to life items.   How much you want to bed THEY have a dish washer and if IT goes out they panic and get it fixed right away?  Please tell me how NON essential a dish washer is? Ha! I've washed dishes by hand my entire life.  I currently wash dishes for 6 people, and with 3 meals a day...and whatever my mother in law eats in the middle of the night....that's a lot of dishes that no one else washes.  I would like a little helping assistance from a dish washer. Is that too much to ask? So we're going to go buy our own dish washer.  The land lords solution to the broken dish washer...yanking it out of its location and putting a BOARD over the whole it leaves behind.  Um.  No.  I'll pass thank you very much. I'd rather buy my OWN dish washer!


Hopefully when the sucker gets installed, they won't flood our kitchen again, like the repair man did attempting to pull the sucker out of the wall. No more drowned kitchen please!

We're also going to LOOK at recliners for the living room, just look. 


Today I've been dealing with Diablo the death kitten.  That is our rescue kitten I saved from the middle of a VERY busy intersection not too long ago (thought it FEELS like an eternity ago!)  This kitten...he's the prettiest orange tabby, however he is bent on world destruction and annihilation.  He is bound and determined to eat your soul, or at least your toes.  Your legs are his FAVORITE climbing/sharpening post too.  Your shoulder is his very own personal sitting perch.  I feel like a pirate most of the time! Oh sure he may LOOK sweet and innocent...but don't like the ruse fool you! He is maniacal, intelligent, plotting....eeeeevil. 


Did I mention he has the art of being used as a dangerous weapon down?  He's always right on hand when my sons need a cannon ball with claws, or a boomerang with claws, or whatever....He's as much of a ninja kitten as my sons are ninja boys. Diablo kitten (his actual name is Oliver by the way) seems to thrive on chaos, and your pain.  The blood of his enemies.  This morning he tried to neuter my husband, though I'm not sure if he was just being helpful or evil on that one?

Mae

Mommy Jones and the Last Coffee Crusade

"....I stood there dazed and confused, knowing there was something I should be doing. The most beautiful smell had me locked in place, I knew that smell should be reminding me of what I couldn't remember and yet my brain refused to work. The longer I stood there the more confused I felt. Finally the most beautiful realization hit me, I needed coffee. I was standing at that beautiful coffee fountain, just a cup away from happiness and alertness. I reached for that sacred cup, the cup of awesomeness. The cup that would allow that liquid gold to warm me from the inside out and awaken me from my fog that had followed me since my all too early and brutally awful awakening to a new day. I stood there on the threshold of something amazing, one sip away, it was so close I could almost taste it. Then the most cruel thing happened. A child, a young minion of terror and early morning destruction, snuck up on me. I didn't see it coming, I was completely defenseless. The child minion spoke, and at the same time reached out and grabbed me. My fight or flight wasn't quick enough, my senses were dulled, I had not yet had the elixir of life flow through me yet. I was at my weakest, easily jolted with an adrenaline rush of terror. I jerked. I jumped. I may have even shrieked just a tiny little bit, and to my complete and utter horrendous horror, the coffee, that precious most beautiful substance spilled. It's hot burning a reminder of my agony and woe over the loss of this beautiful thing. I stood there gasping, not only from the shock of the small minion, but also at the awful burning sensation coursing through my arm and chest. The minions work was done. He had succeeded in bringing me to my knees. With his work done the small minion ran off to find another unsuspecting victim leaving me to writhe in agony, mostly over the loss of my luscious coffee..."

The above is what happens when I wake up before the son(s) and before the sun. Based on a true story and everything. That was my morning. I was about to enjoy my first sip of wonderful, energy giving coffee and Son Circus #1 scared the holy bejeebies right out of me.  Little turd.  After he scared me, he ran off laughing his maniacal 5 year old laughter.  Too early of a morning for that type of insanity.  Too early!

I dunno, if turned into a book I'm betting it could be at least an Amazon Kindle Fire top seller, right? Ha!

Anyway, moving along with my day....it got interesting after my 'coffee crusade'. 


The repair man came to fix a few things today, only he managed to make MORE work for me and make a huge mess.  He flooded my kitchen with HOT WATER.  Then to get to the water heater we had to yank everything out of my children's closet and my husband wasn't very careful...he just kind of threw it all over the place.  Soooo there is hot water SPEWING and SPRAYING all over my kitchen (with by the way all my NICE clean towels that I had just wash, dried, and folded...) thrown all over the floor to "soak up" the water spewing forth like my very own 'Ol Faithful'.  No need to go to Yellow Stone National Park now! I already know what a hot geyser looks like!


I stood there completely helpless.

The darn repair man is LUCKY that I had gotten to drink at least ONE cup of my coffee this morning (not counting the one my dear son caused me to end up wearing this morning).  Otherwise...he may not have left my house alive.



The husband circus, turned off the electricity because well...when you have your kitchen filling up with water...you don't want any electricity to meet it! So the power got shut up (did I mention today was REALLY hot and humid). 

So HOT water spewing everywhere, my clean towels now soaked tossed all over the floor in a feeble attempt to soak up the mess, my sons (freshly cleaned bedroom) was now a war zone.  They FINALLY got to the water heater (who the hell puts a water heater in a bedroom closet???)  They got the water heater turned off and the mess in the kitchen stopped.


I wanted to cry.


I kept it together.

I had just cleaned my house yesterday and this morning.  It looked so nice!

Now not so much.


I often feel like my house is a Natural Disaster movie waiting to happen.  We've had within the last month...a wild animal get in to our house, one of the outlets in the boys bedroom started sparking and I had to call the fire department, and then today the kitchen flooded. I'm sure there is more...these are just the horrors that have stuck out most recently in my mind!




I weeped when I saw the work I needed to do in my sons bedroom.  I was then forced to sort through all of the clothes in their bedroom.  I have twin sons, and I am far from exceedingly wealthy, and dressing boys is never easy anyway as they grow at odd intervals, and just because they are TWINS doesn't mean they wear the same size of clothes.  Also they don't have an older brother, and I don't really have many friends with older kids that they can get hand me downs from. So we stock up on clothes for the next size or next season so I'm not suddenly left with kids that have grown and have absolutely NOTHING to wear.  As much as they might enjoy it...I'm pretty sure I can't allow them to run around naked.  Buying two sets of clothing brand new is exceedingly expensive, so we stock up where we can and fill in the gaps.  It's worked for all three of our kids for the past 6 and 5 years! It does mean, however...that I have to keep their clothes organized.  I must admit...the past few months it has NOT been very organized.  So when everything was thrown around out of their closet...I realized it was now a nightmare. 

I spent the greater part of my afternoon sorting clothes for my sons. 

Clothes they can wear RIGHT NOW (that I forgot they had), clothes they will wear this fall and winter to school, and clothes that they will grow into next spring/summer/fall/winter.  As of now it's organized! Though I am still a few hangers short to hang up a few things. 

At least my boys' bedroom is all put together.  *sigh* Now to rescue my kitchen (the water is at least cleaned up and the towels are now all clean again).  However, there is still plenty to do.  Thank you repair guy for causing me more work. 

Finally got beyond the crazy morning/afternoon and went straight into "coach" mode for my children's little league tball team.  We now only have two games left. I love coaching, I really have enjoyed it.  Especially during a couple of the practices when little ones (who aren't my own little ones) come running up to me to hug me and say things like "Coach, you're the best" and run off.  Coaching is pretty awesome, however there are a FEW things that aren't so awesome, tonight...was one of those nights when a few of those not so awesome things happened.

When it comes to coaching, I'm not really sure which is more ANNOYING.

A: My own children on the team (two of which rarely want to listen or cooperate with me). You know...the kids who throw dirt (or grass) at the other players...on your team...not on your team...doesn't matter they just want to pelt you with stuff they find on the ground.  The kids who shove other kids off the bases 'just cause'.  The kids who get a little too excited about batting and crack another kid in the head (she was FINE he only knicked her a little), or just throws his glove and LOUDLY proclaims "I HATE BASEBALL I WANT TO PLAY SOCCER!!!!!"  When said child was the one who ASKED to play baseball to begin with.  Laying down in the field, pouting when they don't get their way, being mad when they don't get to be catcher or pitcher EVERY single time.  Getting upset that the ball doesn't ALWAYS come to them, or if the ball DOES come to them they aren't paying attention so another kid who is quicker swoops in and gets the ball, and leaves my kid in a royal pouty panic.  *sigh*  I try to pretend it's not my kid acting like that....and of course I can't be in "MOMMY MODE", because I'm in COACH mode.  SO I'm all trying to be patient and kind and all sweet.  While I'm smiling, and hissing through clenched teeth "YOU HAD BETTER KNOCK IT OFF BECAUSE I AM DONE WITH YOUR ATTITUDE"  (after the MILLIONTH tantrum for our short ball games.
B: The random wanderer child who will just vanish off the field and pop up at the weirdest locations, completely not prepared for what she should be ready to do (Ex: When we are in the field, showing up randomly wearing a batting h...elmet...dragging a bat....OR when we're up to bat...and she shows up at the batting stand...with a ball glove, and no bat or helmet. She is NEVER in batting order, and takes 10min to get up to the stand because FIRST she has to go get a drink, tell her mom hi, fix her hair, go to the bathroom.....) I always freak out every time that kid vanishes.  I'm like OMG where did she go! Her parents are RIGHT THERE, where is SHE! It's about like losing sight of your own child while grocery shopping.
C: The parents screaming from the sidelines giving their precious sweet child orders on what she needs to do, which then turns their precious sweet daughter into a complete and utter BALL HOG and none of the other kids like her because THEY never get a chance to do anything because the other girl is too busy completely cutting every kid off before they even get a chance to get the ball. If they wanted to COACH they should have signed up to BE THE COACH, not coach from the SIDE LINES. I told them I didn't mind help, DURING PRACTICES, but during games....if they wanted to help, they needed to sign up through parks and rec and get the lanyard and card, and could help on the field or in the dug out, not yell directions from the SIDE LINES, which direction giving is the job of the COACH and assistant coaches!

Take your pick on which thing you think I find MOST annoying.

If you guessed A, B, and C....you'd be correct.  Those are three of my biggest frustrations with coaching, and tonight...all three happened.  I really really really tried hard to not let my frustration show, but I have a feeling I did not do so well.  Hey,  I didn't yell at anyone, and it only looked like I was dragging my kid around the field a couple of times (for the record I was not dragging him, I was trying to gently head him over to the position he needed to be in, and he decided to drop to the ground like a bag of wet bricks and yeh, that always looks great on the parent/coach).  Sometimes...my kids make me want to just crawl into a hole and pretend I don't exist.

I PROMISE I teach my children how to act.  How to behave in public, how to play games and LOSE gracefully, and I promise they do NOT get their way at home all of the time.  That they aren't brats, or bullies or whatever.  I teach them right from wrong, I gently guide them, I discipline them, I have rules and expectations for all of my children. 

However, it feels like my sons disregard every single thing I do. I feel like it's 10 steps back and maybe a half a baby step forward on game days! I feel like my kids look like completely uncivilized savages out there.  Cept my daughter, she takes playing ball seriously.  She enjoys it.  So she listens to me well.  Now if only her brothers did. 

If I could go back and redo it.  NO I wouldn't sign my sons up for baseball this year, I would have made them wait another year, and THEN signed them up.  Would I have volunteered to be a coach?  Nope, because I only would have had ONE kid on the team so it wouldn't have mattered if she got put on another team because there would be no "splitting them up".  It'd be fine, she could be on whatever team they put her on.  I could leave the boys AT HOME with Grandma Circus while I took Daughter Circus to practice. 

However, there is no "redo button".  So it is what it is.  Lesson learned.  I should have made my sons wait a year for baseball (erm, any sport for that matter).  Circus Son #2 does enjoy baseball and for the most part he does really well, so tonight really threw me for a loop, as he doesn't GENERALLY act like this, or at least not to the extent he did tonight. 

Ask Circus Son #1 what he wants to do and he will LOUDLY tell you "I WANT TO PLAY SOCCER!!!"  In order to play soccer, he has to make it through baseball, (T Ball) and there are only TWO GAMES LEFT! TWO!

They can do it.  I know they can.

So far we've only had ONE kid quit the team (I kind of figured it would be his sister, the wanderer...so I was a little shocked when I found out it was brother that quit). 

I always remind myself it's just a game, and these kids are 5 and 6 years old (I might even have a 4 year old on the team).  That they are LEARNING, and who knows in a couple of years, these might be some really awesome baseball players.  I don't expect them to be mini Babe Ruth's by any means.  I really just want them to have FUN, and to try!  So I really try hard to encourage them, I don't yell at them (well maybe through clenched teeth...to my OWN two sons who don't EVER freaking listen...) Tonight Circus Son #1 tried to CRAWL from second base, to third base.  CRAWL.  Seriously?  What are you, an animal?  Get up and run crazy kid.  I told the ump that I swear my kids aren't aliens (she knows what three were mine).  Cept maybe Circus Son #1...he might be, that's still to be determined, haha.

So part of me is exceedingly giddy that T Ball is almost over.  No more coaching stress,  or fighting with my sons on the ball field making me look like a complete ass. (thanks Kids, moms everywhere LOVE IT when our kids make us look like asses...)  The other part of me will be really sad when ball is over.  I will miss seeing the kids, they are a group of really great kids, and they have all worked so hard and they have all improved so much! Some have stepped way out side of their comfort zone and have come out of their shells, while others have learned (or are learning...) to reel their enthusiasm in just a little bit, and to control their stance, swing, and throwing skills rather than be a loose cannon that is dangerous to everyone when they throw that ball or swing that bat.  Really proud of the kids and I can't wait to give them their certificates I made for them during their last game.  I felt they needed SOMETHING! It isn't to keep kids that young engaged and enthusiastic about playing a sport and only ONE kid has stopped playing due to dropped interest, that's saying something! 

We came back home from the ball game and I was still in slightly stressed Coach Mom mode.  Ugh.  Takes awhile for that mode to wind down.  Had to pick the husband up from work too, then came home got the kids in the shower, fed (a late supper, and I won't lie...they had corn dogs for supper, sue me, at least they ate damn it and didn't go to bed hungry).  We got home at a little after 8, they were in full on CRAZY mode when we got home, then I had to turn around and the husband from work at 9, then get them in the shower.  I was going for FAST and EASY and not so super freaking messy. SO corn dogs it was.  They were GOING to get home made cookie ice cream sandwiches....BUT those got ruined because of their dreadful behavior after we got home from the game.  So they were told they could try again this weekend for those ice cream cookie sandwiches. They accepted their ice cream fate fairly well, and went to bed. They fell asleep really well too! I was impressed.  Normally I do all the tucking in, and last night the boys were so sad because they wanted DADDY and he was at work.  So tonight my husband was able to tuck them in, and they LOVED it. 

Only a couple days left of Summer school for my daughter, and tomorrow is the last day for my sons.  *gulp* Help.  Me.  I'm not sure if I will survive! HA! Good thing there is a park right behind our house.

At least then I'll get to sleep in....*laugh, snort* yeh right. My kids don't let me sleep in, ever. If they do...they are up to something! (Like sneaking all of the fruit snacks or cheese sticks to their bedroom to eat).  Little porkers.

Well, switching off to "sleep mode".  (My kids were playing robot today and my daughter was the robot master and her brothers followed her commands, and they are super funny robots, but she kept putting them in silly mode, sleep mode, walk mode, etc...it was MODE after everything, so I have that stuck in my head, ha!)

Mae

Wow, no photos to go with this post, at all!

 

Summer Weekend

What a busy and lovely summer weekend we have had as a family here at the Circus! Saturday marked the first OFFICIAL day of summer.  Always one of my favorite days of the year. 


We spent our Saturday at the Lake almost an hour away from us.  Yep we loaded up our little circus and took it to the lake! The mother in law, the husband, the three kids and me.  We got to the lake early snatched up our favorite BBQ area near the lake but still in plenty of shade.  We took off down to the lake and dived right in to that beautiful cool lake water!! My kids took off like little fish.  Splashing and squealing with laughter! I loved watching their joy and wild abandon as they played and were just CHILDREN and had a fantastic blast. 

Mrs. and Mr. Circus enjoying the lake.  It's incredibly difficult to get Mr. Circus in a photo and not be cheesy. 

Mrs. Circus with Daughter Circus.  She is always up for quick photo with Mom! I have to enjoy it while I can because I fear she'll reach an age all too soon where it will be near to impossible to get her in a photo, especially with mom.

Watching my children run into the lake and play with their wild abandon and free spirits brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.  They had so much fun splashing and running in the water, I greatly loved watching them play!

My daughter and Son Circus #2 running into the lake together, hand in hand.

Son Circus #1, Daughter Circus, and Son Circus #2 standing in the same area of the lake that we stand at every year for the same photo every year.  In front of them is a sheer drop about 5 feet down where the lake USED to come up, but now no longer does.  You can't tell there is a drop there, but there is.  The kids love to stand there every year and look out over the lake and sand and grass down below. 

After we swam for awhile we went on up to our picnic area and Husband Circus had went up a few minutes earlier and had gotten the grill going and had the burgers and hot dogs off the grill right as we were getting up there to eat. 

After we ate, I took the kids on a hike around one of our little favorite areas around the lake, while Husband Circus got all of the stuff packed back up in the van. 

We all then went down to the lake store and bought ice cream for our little circus.  While we were standing in at the lake store we saw you could feed the fish, so we of COURSE had to buy some fish food and walk down to the boat dog and feed the huge cat fish that hang out around there.  How much do you want to bet that those cat fish don't leave the dock area?  So the chances of CATCHING one of those fat things in the allowed fishing areas...is probably slim.  Fish aren't dumb, they know where the food is.  Besides, I'm no good at fishing anyway.  The fish swim circles around my bait and laugh at me.  I hate fish.  The only good fish is a fillet of cat fish, battered in corn meal and dropped in the deep fryer!  Served with some cole slaw, and baked beans and potato salad! As long as someone else catches the darn fish.

Feeding the big cat fish at the dock while enjoying their ice cream!

We finally headed home after our long and exhausting day at the lake.  The kids are already asking when we can go back.  They would probably live there if they could.


On Sunday we traveled up to Des Moines, IA which is about a 4 hour drive for us, but due to road closing it took us about 5 hours to get there.  It was not a good day for driving in Iowa!


We finally got to the gorgeous Easter Lake in Des Moines, IA where every year my husband's side of the circus (his moms side), has their family reunion. We hadn't been able to go for a couple of years so we were so glad to get to go this year. Unfortunately due to the road work, we were kind of late, which was a bummer.  However we did still get to visit and the kids had a good time. 

Investigating the waters edge at Easter Lake in Des Moines, IA.  They were looking for tad poles.

This tree, has been the place of family photos for years.  Kenny and I started taking photos in front of this tree at the family reunion since before we were married, or out of high school.  I stood here pregnant with my daughter, and stood here with my sons and my daughter, now all three of my gorgeous children stand here.

We figured since we were in Des Moines, we would stop in at the Blank Park Zoo.  The last time we were there Daughter Circus was nearly a year old. It was wonderful to be able to spend time with the kids at the zoo.  It was a nice day for it too. 

It was difficult to remove the kids from the
they loved seeing the seals swimming!

By far their favorite area!

Gorgeous snow leopard

I always tell my kids they were hatched from an egg, now I have proof.

She jumped onto the frog and said "QUICK Mom take my picture the sun is in my eyes!" 

The kids were just being cute and getting their photo and Daddy came out of no where and jumped in the photo with them.

The last time my daughter was in front of this fossil she was almost a year old.  I loved being able to have all three of my kids in a recreation of this.

They all jumped over to the seal and said "TAKE A PICTURE MOM!!"

How would you like to have a caterpillar THIS big wander through your back yard?

My daughter the butterfly.

My sons the butterfly

We had a long drive home, especially since we stopped off in another town in Missouri and had a BBQ with more of my husband's family.  It was good to see them and visit and the kids had a blast playing with more of their cousins. 

(the end of May we had also been in that same town for one of his cousins who had a baby shower for her twin sons that are due in September, while we were there I popped in to visit my Grandfather that lives in that town, and my stepsister and my two nephews, I got lucky because when I stopped by my other sisters house she let me have my tiniest nephew for the day! And while at the baby shower I saw my sister in laws little girl, my niece, so I had all my family together that day!)  I love being able to see my family and letting my kids be around their family.


So we had a good time at the BBQ on Sunday, but unfortunately we had to leave and make the long drive home.  We got slammed with the bad storm that we had seen blowing into the area all day, we were hoping we'd miss it, but nope.  We were stuck driving at night, in torrential down pour.  My mother in law drove home because I have a hard time driving in rain, especially at night.  We got home, and the kids were exhausted, they went to bed in what they had on the moment we walked in the door, they just grabbed their blankets and curled up asleep on the living room floor! I wasn't going to fight with them, I just let them sleep where they lay!


They had a great time at the zoo and at the reunion and at their cousins home.  Next month we get to go up and see my niece, who will be turning two.  While we're up there, we'll be picking up my daughters guinea pig.  Her hamster recently passed away, and after a couple of weeks of being sad, she asked if she could have a rabbit.  I said no to the rabbit, but I said a guinea pig we could try.  So she's excited about that.  She was very responsible with her hamster.  The kids are good about helping with the dogs, and cats.  I still need to get the kids a new fish.  Their little Beta Fish lived as long as they usually do (close to 2 years).  So now they need a new one.  We just haven't gotten around to it yet, no one in town sells beta fish and I am afraid if we bought one in another town it wouldn't survive the trip home.
I greatly enjoy our summer plans.  I remember all of the fun things that I did when I was a child, and my husband has a few fond memories of things he did as a child, and we wanted to make sure our children had some of those memories too.  We may not be super wealthy, but we do what we can to do fun things with them, even if it is just around town.  We aren't a family that likes to sit around the house! We like to be out doing things!


Our next summer plan entails possibly going to check out the Mark Twain Caves in Hannibal, MO.  That's a plan that is still up in the air.  We do know that we are going camping in the middle of September, the kids are so excited for that!


Well, since the kid are all home from summer school, they are laying on the floor looking bored, and are asking to go ride bikes so I think that's exactly what we'll do.  Then inside to make supper!

Mae

Children and Hot Cars

Watching the news in the summer time is incredibly hard for me to watch.  I cannot stand the news about children DYING from being left in a hot car.  Those are just more than I can stand.  My heart breaks for that poor sweet child.  Can you IMAGINE being that child? 

How many times is that child sleeping and the parent just "forgets" they even have a child with them and goes on about their life.  Does the child ever wake up?  Or do they just sleep into a for ever sleep with no clue that mom or dad just left them to die.  For the ones that are awake when Mom or dad leave them...what are they thinking?  Are they wondering why Mom or Dad didn't get them out of the car?  Are they wondering when they will come back?  I can imagine they are scared, and sick, and terrified. 


It is a horrifying thought, just the IDEA of leaving my children in a hot car causes my stomach to clench up.  I cannot imagine ever getting so self absorbed in my OWN life that I forget that my children are in the back seat.

Maybe it's because I have children who have NEVER let me forget that they are there.  The moment the car would stop they would cry, or as they got a little older start shouting "OUT OUT OUT!" 

I never had to leave my purse or anything in the back seat to "remember" I had children.  I just knew they were there and they needed me.


I am so glad our family is a cell phone free home, it's too easy to get distracted or caught up in a conversation, in your own world and just forget about the most precious cargo in the back seat.


In my own drive way when getting ready to go somewhere I've had the car off and the kids will have every door on the van wide open and they will be getting ready to get in the van and I'll tell them to wait a minute and pop in the house for literally a second to grab the keys, my purse or sunglasses that are all right by the door.  I never take my eyes off my kids, and the car is no more than 10 steps from my porch. THEN they are allowed to get in and buckle up.  When we have to stop and get gas (even when they were all babies), if I didn't do pay at the pump, I would unbuckle ALL of my kids and go in and pay for the gas, or wait till my husband was with us and make him do it.  No way was I putting my kids in danger.


It wasn't always easy shopping when the twins were babies.  Having to unbuckle their infant carriers and get them sat beside me so I could unbuckle my toddler and get her hand in the "leash" I kept with me so I wouldn't lose her while my hands were full of infant car seats walking to the store.  There wasn't always a parking spot next to the shopping carts available, and my husband wasn't always with us.  Sometimes you have to shop without another adult with you. 


Somehow we managed.  My daughter was kept close to me and I never lost her with one of those "leashes" while my hands were holding the infant carriers.  The boys didn't really care to be wore in my beloved moby wrap that I had used so much when my daughter was a baby.  Pushing a shopping cart and a stroller wasn't a feasible option either. 

The thought of consciously leaving my kids in the car NEVER crossed my mind.  Unconsciously leaving them in the car without thought never happened either.  I always knew they were there.

Our schedule was always changing.  I would have to run someone here or there, or pick my husband up or run an errand or pick up a grocery item or SOMETHING.  Our schedule was never really certain.  A change in schedule never made me forget my kids were in the back seat. 


Maybe it was because we had a small 1998 Dodge Stratus at the time?  It was small, you couldn't help but bump elbows with a car seat or see one in the rear view mirror. 

Someone was always crying, coughing, shrieking or snoring in the back seat and, I don't know about you, but I can't really block out the noises of my children.  I pay attention to every little hiccup, especially having a son who suffered from seizures as a baby, and one that could have had any number of medical issues due to chemo as a baby.  SO much could have happened, I just always listened. 

During their younger years, we HAD a cell phone.  However, we always had rules when it came to cell phones.  When I get into that car the cell phone is turned OFF and put into my purse.  Phone calls, and text messages waited until I got in the store, or until I got home. It was for emergency only, not for willy nilly conversations distracting me from my children.


As the kids got older, we just decided a cell phone was something we didn't "NEED" it cost more than having a home phone anyway, and someone was always home anyway.  Being a stay at home mom for several years, I was basically always home and if I had to go somewhere I have an answering machine, I'll get back to you when I get home. 

I survived my childhood without a cell phone, my Mother and her Mother and her Mother before all survived their childhoods without a cell phone, and also without a HOME phone.  I'm not saying go back to banging on drums or smoke signals to communicate, I'm just saying...maybe perhaps...back off of the distractions a little bit.  Cell phones are a distraction.  They are something people ALWAYS have in their hands now days.  Talking, texting, playing games, checking Facebook, taking a picture...whatever.  They never look up from it.  It consumes them. When I was growing up, I was what was always in my Mother's hand, or lap.  I was what her time was consumed with.  Or a paint brush, I remember watching my Mother create beautiful art work and crafts when I was growing up.  She and my Grandma taught me how to build, garden, paint, draw, arts and crafts, and so so much more.  They didn't have technology in their hands distracting them.  Thank goodness too because I am sure I would have been dead!! I was a "runner".  I darted into so many parking lots, if it had not been for that "safety leash" that so many people have issues with, I would be DEAD.  I could wiggle out of any hand hold, and to me, strollers were a joke, I could pop out of a stroller in no time flat.  How I survived the 80's and early 90's, I have no idea. My Mother and Grandma would put me in a shopping cart as soon as they could because I would dart away and on more than one occasion I almost got ran over, and it was through no fault of my Mother and Grandmother, they had my hand, and BAM I'd be gone.  Of course, back then you could whip your child's little tooshie right there in the parking lot and no one said a word.  Which is exactly what I needed, a butt spanking right there and then.  Now days?  No spanking, no yelling or you will get CPS called on you for being a bad parent.  You are supposed to sit there and reason with a 2 year old and explain to them why running into the parking lot is dangerous. Safety leashes now days are often "frowned" upon too.  How dare you treat your child like an ANIMAL! (Etc etc....) 


My point is....


Parents need to get back to being PARENTS.  Don't get me wrong I love Facebook as much as the next person, but if I had to check my Facebook page every time I went grocery shopping and couldn't go 2 hours without out....wow.  That's just sad. 

I don't NEED to talk to anyone RIGHT then and there.  I prefer to focus on my kids and my husband while we are out and about. Making memories with them.


I don't need to post a photo immediately of what we are doing and where we are, that can wait till later, much later, or never.  That's why I love not having a cell phone, it reduces the "urgency" of having everything RIGHT NOW, of doing everything RIGHT NOW. 


That's how people forget things.  They are too caught up in the stuff THEY think is important at that exact moment that they forget about what is TRULY important RIGHT NOW which is that sweet child they've left in the back seat of their vehicle while they run into the store. 


I don't know about you all, but when I go shopping, my shopping list usually consists of things my KIDS need, a constant reminder that "hey I have kids". 


Which laundry detergent isn't going to irritate my daughters skin?  (That's been a nightmare and a half finding just the right one for her), what healthy snacks can I pick up for them to have this week?  What would they like?  What drink should I get them?  They are getting tired of water and I don't want them living on Kool aid all summer.  Oh the boys need new flip flops because they broke the ones they had while riding bikes, what size do they wear again?  Of course they can't wear the same size...even being twins.  Hmm Kams needs some more hair ties, one broke and for some reason she only has like 2 left out of the WHOLE pack I just bought a month ago. Also, cannot forget detangle spray...go through a lot of that when you have three kids with gorgeously long luscious locks, hmm I think they might need some more body/hair wash too.  Don't forget to buy another box of band aids, again.  This new kitten is going to make me need to buy stock in band aids if the kids don't leave it alone, and quit getting scratched....


THOSE are the thoughts in my mind when I go into a store.  Every thought, is on them.  How could I forget they were with me, if all I do is think about them?

Maybe it's BECAUSE I've been a stay at home for so long and am so used to BEING with my kids constantly and NOT depending on anyone else to take care of my kids.  I don't know what it's like to run errands without kids.  I don't know what it's like to shop without kids.  I don't know what it's like to meet up with a friend at McDonalds for a salad without kids.  I always, ALWAYS have my kids with me. 

Even then, even if I didn't always have my kids with me, I just cannot fathom forgetting your child is in the back seat.


I've seen articles where a fantastic little boy created a brightly colored device out of one of those rainbow looms.  It fastens to the back seat of a car, and then stretches to fasten to the parents driver side door, so they can't really get out without unfastening the long colorful rubber band, thus making them realize "Oh hey my kid is in the back seat".  While I give huge props to that sweet kid for helping, and seeing a NEED for something like this....it breaks my heart to think that we even NEED anything at all like this.


Are parents going to buy those items created to prevent this?  No.  Why?  Because they think "It won't EVER happen to me, I'm sooo much more responsible than that".  Never say never.


As much as I can't understand HOW it can happen, I have to also realize it COULD happen to me.  My Mother in law does occasionally drive the kids places, and my niece will often come stay with us for a week, and she won't be 2 until the middle of July.  So what if my Mother in law had my niece with her and took her to the store and forgot she was in there?  It could very EASILY be my family.  What if my mother in law has one or all of my kids somewhere and they fall asleep, and she forgets they are in there, it could again...easily be my family.  Hell, as much as I don't THINK I would, or ever COULD do it, I don't know what the future holds.  I know it would take something pretty damn HUGE for me to forget that there is a CHILD in my vehicle. 

I'm pretty used to having kids with me, babysitting kids, my kids, a friends kids that need me to pick their kids up right quick from Day Care or Preschool since their car is broke down, and maybe I stop to run an errand along the way. It could happen, it could.  I realize that, and because I realize it COULD be me, I make a HUGE effort to be careful and diligent always.


As a mom, it does boggle my mind still on how on earth it could happen.  I just don't "Get" it.  So rest assured, if I am out shopping and I see a car with a child left in it this summer. I will not hesitate to bust that window and get that kid out, and flag someone down to call the cops and page the parent. Same with an animal.

I am a huge advocate for animals, I volunteer with my local animal shelter and have been a huge fan of animals since I was a small child.  The thing that gets me about PETS being left in a car...is I KNOW the people that are leaving them IN the car have not simply 'forgotten' that the dog is in there.  They literally make a CONCIOUS DECISION to leave the dog in the car.  Which is incredibly scary. 


At least most of the time with parents, it is an accident (not that this is an excuse mind you!!!) 


Dogs being left in a hot vehicle are left there by a CONCIOUS DECISION FROM THE PET OWNER. 

There are times my dogs go out with me during the hottest part of the day in the car.  Usually when I have to run my husband to work, however, I just drop him off and come straight home.  If I have to stop somewhere and run an errand, my dogs stay home in their kennels in our air conditioned home where they are safe from the heat of the day.  No matter HOW badly they may want to ride along with me.


The safety of my CHILDREN and my PETS is MY responsibility, no one else's.  If something happens to them on MY WATCH, it's not a good thing.  I will have let them down.  I mean obviously there are going to be bumps and bruises and scratches and little minor injuries for both kids and pets, things you cannot always control.  However, you can control whether or not you leave your kid or pet alone in the car on a hot day.


I know a lot of people will be like "Oh well I'm not a perfect parent, so get off your high horse, yadda yadda".  Well, you know what...I can assure you I AM FAR from perfect.  A couple of weeks ago a neighbor was over and they took one of my sons with them to their house to play with their kids.  I knew about it, gave him hugs and kisses and told him to have a fun time. 

Two hours later....


I forgot he had even left. 


I cried my eyes out I felt like such a shitty ass mom. That's the CLOSEST I have come to knowing how those parents feel that leave their kids in a hot car. I called my friend and told them I was coming over to get my son (and fessed up on the fact I had forgotten he was over there, I thought my kids were just in their bedrooms playing really really good! Occasionally I saw one or two of the kids come into the living room then go back in the bedrooms to play, so I didn't think much of it, occasionally they don't fight all day).  My friend laughed at me and said they were actually bringing him home at that moment and that he had a great time playing and hanging out at their house.  Had eaten a snack and watched cartoons with their kids.  I still beat myself up over that! Thankfully these neighbors live like 2 houses down from us and are part of the family and even lived with us for quite some time during a rough patch they had.  My children love and adore them nearly as much as they do me and their dad.


It was an awful feeling. Never want to experience that again.  Ever.


So yes I am far from a perfect mom, I make mistakes just like everyone else.  However, I there are still some things that just horrify me that some parents do (like leaving their child in a hot car whether on purpose or by accident) I find insane, and hard to understand and fathom.


So many head hurting things out there!

How many of you heard about the child (I think from China?) Several years ago that was addicted to smoking, and he smoked pack after pack of cigarettes and he was just little toddler?  Or the little boy (again I think from China) who ate and ate and ate and ate and ate all of the  time, and was a VERY over weight toddler?  Well, now there is a young child from China that is the YOUNGEST alcoholic.  He apparently screams and cries and DEMANDS alcohol. 


HOW/WHY? 

I know that a lot of other countries think that the U.S. is either waaaay over protective on some things, or waaaay lax on others. 

I know the family dynamic is different in some countries too, that in SOME countries and families it IS normal to let the child "rule the house".  Thank goodness that is not the case in MY home. 

I don't understand how a child could demand something like cigarettes, or alcohol, or food all of the time, and the parents just give it to them constantly.  They know that stuff isn't good for ADULTS, so why would it be good for a child?  I don't understand how they reason that as being ok.


I know that drinking and stuff is acceptable really young in some countries, and I understand that back in the "day" they used to rub whisky on teething children's gums.  CHILDREN, like toddlers....drinking?  Not cool.  I'm glad that MOST people now know better than to rub whisky on the gums of a child now as well.  Horrible ideas.


Sometimes the more I read in the news...the more I cringe and am sooo thankful that I live where I do, was raised the way I was, and have the family that I do. I some days seriously worry about society.


Since our news channels LOVE to sensationalize the negative and bad things, that is what is all over the TV. Heaven forbid there ever be other intelligent life out there and they ever watch our "news".  They would probably just blow our planet up for the sake of evolution, survival of the fittest or whatever. That's why the news needs to put more POSITIVE and GOOD things in the news! I know it's out there, and it's more than just cuddly kittens and puppies.  It's PEOPLE doing good (and smart) things.  Things that help our planet, things that help our PEOPLE, things that help our animals.  Not glorifying the latest fashion trend, or following the drama of the rich and famous, it's not about following the latest "hot" criminal (have you seen that going around?  How people are going 'gaga' for this criminal that has supposedly gorgeous eyes?  I don't think he's gorgeous at all, he looks cold hearted and mean). 


Anyway, I digress. 


There are just some things I find highly unacceptable in life, and forgetting that you have a beautiful tiny human being in the back seat of your vehicle is one of those things I do NOT find acceptable.  They even have PSA video's floating around the interwebs now! I just watched one on Facebook, cried my eyes out the entire time. 


I know a few people actually that have forgotten their kids in the car.  I was shocked. These are great parent, they aren't bad people.  I knew they hadn't done it on purpose.  Did I think they were irresponsible?  Yes I did/do in that exact moment. I cannot lie about the way I feel on that.  I'm not trying to be stuck up or rude or cruel.  Thankfully, those people had a positive turn out, their child was fine.  It could have easily ended badly for them.  It's not something I would ever hold against them or hate them for.  They learned something, something they can share with others. 

It's hard to walk the line of understanding, but yet stand firm with what you think.  You don't want to make your friend or family member feel even MORE awful for what happened (because of COURSE parent guilt is the worst kind of punishment any parent can ever face, it's the kind of fear, guilt that stays with you for the rest of your life and you feel will always carry with you, even if you forgive yourself at some point...it's still there, still carried with you, those memories of it, forever, that never goes away).  You don't want your friend to beat themselves up for it forever, and you do want to be supportive, while also making sure no one ELSE does this either. 


If you have to, keep a note book in your car, with some tape.  Put a note on your steering wheel, or car door or SOMETHING.  I've seen things suggest keeping your cell phone, purse, or other important item in the back seat with your child.  Or keeping a teddy bear in their car seat, and putting it in the front seat next to you when you put your child in the car seat.  If the teddy bear is still in the front seat...then you've left your kid in the back seat.  My thoughts?  If the parents (no offense) don't take the time to remember their kid is in the back seat...are they really going to take the time to put a teddy bear in or out of a car seat, or put their purse in the back seat? How many people talk or text while driving (bad bad bad that's a whole OTHER rant...) so I HIGHLY doubt anyone would put their cell phone in the back seat with their kiddo. I don't really know what the answer is, I really don't.  I don't know if there IS an answer.

I just know it is INCREDIBLY sad and HIGHLY upsetting when it seems all the time there is another news story about ANOTHER child dying from being left in a hot car, and no one realizes it.

My children and I did a science experiment recently on a super hot day that involved graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows.  Yep.  We made SMORES using our super mega hot van on the hottest day so far. (I was tempted to try and fry and egg in there, but decided against that one).  Explaining to my children that HOT CARS are INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS, and they should NEVER get into a car in the summer time while playing, it's not a place to hide, or play games.  Cars are dangerous, in so many many ways.

Mae

Busy Barbeque

We've been keeping very busy this summer.  The husband works a lot of hours so we've hardly seen him, but to be fair we've been pretty busy at my house while he's at work anyway! Coaching a little league Tball team tends to keep one busy.  Also getting three children off to summer school will keep you pretty busy too!

We only have 4 T ball games left.  I'm really going to miss it.  I was so nervous at first, but as it has went on, I really enjoy it and those kids are so  sweet.  Tonight after practice one of the kiddos on the team ran up to me and said "Coach, you are a great teacher"  I couldn't think of anything else to say other than "Aw, thank you buddy!"  That really meant a lot to me! I kind of felt like a bumbling full at first, but things have gotten easier and now that I have assistant coaches to help keep things organized on the field during games and in the dug out...that helps SOOO MUCH! I made up little certificates to give to each of the kids on the team at the last game this year because they've worked really hard and they have improved so much.


We are looking forward to our family vacation this year, we're kind of going on two mini vacations.  One involves a family reunion later this month with a side trip to a zoo that is in the town we're going to.  The other involves going to the Mark Twain Caves which isn't too far from us.  I remember going there in 5th grade as a class field trip.  The kids are excited to become cave explorers. Other wise, we'll just be doing a few weekend trips to the lake for maybe some camping, but more than likely we won't  get to do any camping this year (boo! We were looking forward to that, but husband doesn't get many weekends off).  So we'll just take a couple of day trips to the lake for swimming and barbequing.  Other wise, it's just another lazy summer at home.


Summer school will be done next week, and the kids are bummed/excited about that. I'll be happy because that means I can sleep in a little bit.  Maybe.  My kids don't believe in letting me sleep in, ever.  Unless it's a day I ABSOLUTELY MUST get up super early.  Then they don't wake me up and I over sleep.  *sigh*


Lately I've been doing a lot of gardening and fixing up my yard to look nicer.  It's never looked BAD, just boring.  We've lived here almost three years.  We have always kept our yard mowed, have always made sure we used the weed eater around the house, and always make sure the kids keep their toys picked up, sticks and stuff are never laying around our yard.  I hate trash and junky stuff in my yard too. I want it to look nice.  We don't have a big HUGE yard but there is no sense in it not being kept tidy. So this year I added some flowers, and little decorations here and there.  Husband got his gas grill for Fathers day, and he loves it.  We finally have a back patio set (with umbrella, whoo hoo).  I even have up a bird feeder and stuff.  I have several ideas planned for our yard, and look forward to getting them done! I want to make it look and feel like "home" inside and out.

Our little back yard.  We have the ugliest maple tree ever, and it LOVES to drop sticks and branches in our yard all the time, drives me nuts.  But it's generally one heck of a shade tree! We have a little over flow creek that runs at the edge of our yard.  It's off limits to the kids.  Our yard is bigger than what is pictured here, this is just all I showed in this photo.

The husband had so much fun using the gas grill today.  Delicious foods were made! Country style ribs, cabbage and potato chunks.  Yummy.

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about today.  I'm sure I do/did but my brain is on sleep mode at the moment so even if I wanted to remember, I couldn't.  I guess that means it's time for me to go to sleep.  Hopefully I'll have something more interesting tomorrow. 

Mae

The Breast Debate

Generally, I TRY to stay out of this one.  I'm not talking about Breast Cancer Awareness either (THAT is a completely different debate)!

I'm talking about breast feeding.  I cringe every single time one of these "stories" hits the head lines.  Why?  Because I know what's going to happen next. 

Out comes the anti nursing, the "breast haters" as I call them.  Those wrapped up in "I'm right your wrong" and "Our bodies are only sex objects and you should be ashamed of them...blah blah blah...."

I hate it.  I absolutely hate it.

Why?  Well, think about it.  Breasts were not merely invented for sexual pleasure.  Or filling out the cleavage area of your bathing suite, wedding gown, or favorite summer tank.  Breasts were our first method of feeding our children.  It's how we survived.  It's how we thrived.  Our bodies are a wonderful and amazing creation.  Not only can women grow tiny humans in their stomach, and endure great pain giving birth, they can also sustain that tiny little life using milk that their own body produces specifically FOR that child.  If humans had not been able to do that years ago, our species would not be here. Or we'd have children with frog tongues that lived on flies and what not but I'd like to NOT picture that. 


We're a mammal.  Mammals have live births, mammals nurse their children.  We don't lay eggs, we don't give birth to a baby gazelle that can run like 10min after it's born.  No, we give birth to tiny mushy smooshy fragile babies that depend on us to feed, protect, nurture and help them grow.


Now as technology has advanced, man realized they couldn't ALWAYS nurse their children.  Sad, but true.  I'm sure many children died as a result of not having food, and that is absolutely horrible.  So man (woman?) Created formula.  Wonderful thing they created, really it is.  Formula has helped many babies grow, survive and thrive.  I myself was nursed for the first month of my life and then after that I received formula.  Not a big deal.  I'm still alive.  Sure, I'm not Albert Einstein, but I don't think a full year of breast milk would have done that anyway.  Two years of breast milk would have probably still not made me into Albert Einstein, or as athletic as Michael Jordan.  Some things, really are in your genetics.  All I know, is I lived.  I made it to adult hood and am relatively healthy, and I'm fairly well educated.


I am just happy my Mother fed me! She could have just let me starve.


When my Mother was a baby, my Grandmother tried to nurse her, but it wasn't working.  For some reason my Grandma was unable to nurse my Mother like she has her brothers and sister before her.  I don't know if they had formula back in the early 60's, my guess is they didn't, but I could be wrong.  I haven't researched that. 

I know that for whatever reason, my Mother was fed powdered milk, or goat or cows milk (fresh milk, not store bought).  My Mother lived.  She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at only 7 years old.  Maybe it had something to do with how she was fed, but I really don't know. 


Fast forward to 2007 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.  The first thing my husband asked me when I found out I was pregnant was "Are you going to breast feed her?"  I looked him straight in the eye and said "Yes, do you have a problem with that?  Because if so, we need to talk, now." 

He smiled at me and said "NO! Absolutely NO problem! I'm glad you are breast feeding her, it's the best choice!"  I was thrilled.  I didn't know this man had a clue about breast feeding, or even cared for that matter.  He certainly did though. He cared a lot.  He was very supportive which was awesome considering he and I were all we had to depend on during our pregnancy and her birth.  He was always in my corner when it came to nursing our daughter.  He'd make sure we were both settled in and comfortable, he's make sure I had PLENTY of nice cold water to drink, and that I had plenty to eat (and the right foods, he made me so much oat meal it's ridiculous, because he knew oat meal was supposed to help your milk supply).  He would help me the best he could when I pumped.  Pumping never really worked for me, I didn't have much luck pumping a whole lot, but I did my best. 


I went back to work only 3 weeks post partum (after a C section too, my doctor was NOT happy about that, but I had no other choice.  I needed to keep my job, and we had bills to pay). 

Because of my issues pumping we didn't have a very big milk stash in the freezer, and my daughter would go through that milk VERY quickly.  She'd start crying hungry again while I was still at work and she was out of pumped milk.  So I'd have to clock out and go home and get her and my husband and then sit in the office and nurse her till she was full.  Then give her back to my husband who would sit at work until I was finished.  It was so stressful.  So against what WE as parents wanted...we had to start using formula when I was at work. I still pumped, and she still used all of that, however if she needed formula while I was still at work, she got it.


I remember the week before I went back to work.  She was 2 weeks old.  I didn't want to give her a bottle, I didn't want her to get nipple confusion.  I cried my eyes out.  I felt like a failure.  I had let my daughter down because I didn't do a whole MONTH of just my breast.  She wasn't going to be able to nurse anymore, I just KNEW it.  It took us a whole week and a half to get her to take a bottle.  She wouldn't do it.  She REFUSED the bottle. 

THANKFULLY a very close friend of ours helped us.  She told us to both go to work one night and she watched our daughter.  I was a nervous anxious mess (I had NEVER left my daughter with anyone other than my husband).  I was freaking out that she'd like starve or something while we were gone because she would NOT take a bottle from me or my husband.

You know what?  My friend got her to take a bottle.  Sure, my daughter fought it, but in the end she realized mom and dad weren't going to rescue her, she has no other choice.  She took the bottle of breast milk. 


Then we went to struggling with the milk supply and having enough pumped for her.  Then we had to introduce formula.  That was another battle.  She HATED the stuff.  Oh my.  She did NOT like formula.  Again, we had an issue.


There was so much stress, so many tears.  From both me, and my daughter. 


We stuck with nursing.  If I was around she always got my breast.  I still pumped what I could and stored it away for her.  She got formula when I was at work, but any other time she got breast milk.


I hated formula.  It smelled awful. It was messy, it was a PAIN in the BUTT to make bottles.  Cleaning bottles was a mess because I was totally panicky that I wouldn't clean the bottle right and my daughter would get sick (it wouldn't be sanitary enough or something). 


The first week after my daughter was born she didn't gain weight as quickly as her pedi wanted.  He tried right then to get me to quit nursing her.  He sent a home health worker to my home every other day to weigh her.  He really tried to pressure me into giving up breast feeding.  He even threatened to call CPS on me for not feeding my child.  I could have punched him in the face. 

I wasn't stupid.  I may have been only 22 when my daughter was born, but I wasn't dumb.  I had done my home work.  Breast fed babies do not gain weight the way a formula fed baby does.  Doesn't mean they are not being fed.  They digest it differently than formula.  She never LOST weight, she maintained her weight.  Then suddenly she hit a growth spurt (BEFORE we introduced ANY formula to her at all).  I printed off all of my research and slapped it down in the doctors office and told him to stop pressuring me to stop nursing my child, and to stop threatening me.  My daughter nursed ALL OF THE TIME (like new born babies DO when they are breast fed, you spend more time nursing your child than not, and that's NORMAL, that's OK!)  She was healthy, she was happy and we were doing JUST fine.  When she nursed she was able to get out a LOT of milk.  Just pumping it, did not work out so well for me.  I didn't like using a machine to get the milk out, and usually hand expressing the milk worked better than the pump did. Though that takes longer. 

For roughly 9 months my daughter got breast milk.  At 6 months she had basically stopped nursing (had I known it was just a nursing strike, and my hormones changing again and my periods preparing to come back, and my milk supply was changing because of that, and my daughter was realizing there was a change going on so she was a bit finicky about it, and she was starting to be aware of her world more and easily distracted) I would have continued to push her to nurse.  I however, thought she was letting me know she was no longer wanting to nurse, so we slowed down a LOT more on nursing.  Though I did still pump and freeze what I could.  So she was still getting breast milk till she was at least 9 months old.

She was also a child who did NOT want to eat any kind of solids until she was about 8 months old.  She hated the cereals, wouldn't touch them at all. She hated jarred baby foods.  We did avocado as her first baby food and she thought it was the best thing ever, she wouldn't touch that jarred stuff.  So we made our own baby foods. She was happy, and so were we.


When my twins were born, I was a little scared to nurse them but I KNEW it could be done.  I wasn't going to be the FIRST woman in history to nurse twins. Again, my pediatrician was NOT supportive (I know I should have changed Pedi's after kid #1 right)!?

Stupid me, let the pediatrician convince me that I NEEDED to supplement the twins with formula.  That otherwise, the boys wouldn't get the nutrition they needed. 

What a load of CROCK.  Neither one of my sons could stand the formula.  And Keegan instantly had tummy issues (thanks in part to his cancer that we didn't yet know he had).  So being a "lazy mom" I only half heartedly supplemented them.  They nursed basically all the time, which was fine.  We were always home.  I was basically topless all day to easily nurse them.  It worked for us! My sons grew just fine.  Until Keegan's cancer started making it's presence known.  As his liver grew as it filled with tumors, and his intestines and stomach got squashed into a corner, we noticed he was having more and more issues. 

When Keegan fist went into the hospital, I obviously couldn't nurse his twin brother Marshall because he was nearly an hour away from us.  So he had to take formula.  I felt so awful.  I was so stressed out.  Keegan was stressed out.  He HATED being held to nurse because it squashed his tummy more and was sooo uncomfy for him.  He'd cry and wiggle and just couldn't nurse. I TRIED so hard to pump for him at the hospital.  The stress, and my nerves totally shot my milk supply.  I could NOT relax to pump milk for my son.  I did what I could.


By 6 months both of my sons were basically both on formula the whole time.  I hated it.  I was heart broken. I had worked so hard to nurse them.  I had wanted to prove you CAN nurse twins, AND have a toddler and be just fine.  I wanted to prove it to MYSELF and to the stupid doctor that said "You can't". 

Breast milk was what Keegan needed to help him FIGHT his cancer.  I feel like what he DID get really did help him, but I wish I had been able to give him MORE.  It would have been SO much easier on his little tummy, and more sanitary too, and it would have give him antibodies that he lost during chemo. 


I always want to let breast feeding moms know that YOU CAN DO IT.  It will be hard, life will throw you curve balls.  People will make comments, they will stare.  You may not get all of the support you need.  However, you are doing something good, and wonderful for your child.  Doing what YOU feel is best for your child.  To give them what you feel is the best head start in life for them.  That's a wonderful and beautiful thing.


If you can't breast feed at all, and some women cannot, that's ok.  Formula is not evil.  Do not feel ashamed for using formula. It's not dirty or gross, but neither is a mom who is using her breasts to feed a child. 

We need to stop being so hard on each other, stop being so hard on OURSELVES. 

MOST moms who nurse their children are not out to flash the world their boobs or show a ton of skin or out to make a statement.  They simply want to feed their child.  They want to calm their fussy and hungry child, to soothe them.  That's the same thing a mom using a bottle wants to do as well. We want to calm our child, we follow their cues, we know the yare hungry, and we feed them.  Wherever we are.


No one expects a bottle using mom to toss a blanket over their child or feed their child in a bathroom.  Why should a mom using a breast be told to do so?  She is simply using another method to feed her child.  It isn't wrong, dirty or immodest. There is nothing sexual about a child nursing from a mother's breast. 

Do you look at any other mammal on this planet and call them dirty for allowing their child to nurse from their breasts?  No, you don't.  It's in their nature.  It's what animals do.  We may be humans, we may have higher brain power and be at the top of the food chain.  However, we really are nothing but another animal on this planet.  Breasts are for feeding children.  I do believe that the human species is the only species that has sexualized the breast.  I don't believe a bull will judge a cow on the size of her udders, or any other animal for that matter.  So why is it humans feel the need to make breasts a dirty and taboo thing?  I've noticed that it is more so in the United States too.

Why is it many other countries are so much more open about their bodies and the use of their breasts? The United States doesn't have a problem plastering scandalous women on bill boards, TV commercials, movies, magazines, whatever.  It's ok for a singer to stand up on national television and bump and grind and touch herself and wear next to nothing on the stage.  That's acceptable?  But a Mother nursing her child showing no more skin than the woman standing next to her (perhaps even less skin), is ridiculed and called awful?  

Nursing moms in general show very little skin.  They have designed so many amazing nursing bras, nursing tanks, and nursing shirts that you rarely know what a nursing mom is doing unless you are RIGHT on top of her while she's doing it.  IF you are THAT close to a normal nursing mom...then YOU are the one with the issue invading a persons personal space like that. 

I've walked through the grocery store nursing my twins (without a cover) while my husband pushed the shopping cart with my at the time, toddler daughter sitting there.  We did our shopping, while I walked through the store nursing my twins.  NO one knew I was nursing them.  They just looked like they were sleeping and I was carrying them.  I showed no skin. They were happy.  They ate, they slept, and we got our shopping done with newborn babies.  (Thank goodness they were tiny or that would have been WAY more difficult!) 


When my daughter was a newborn I always used my Moby Wrap or my ring sling.  She nursed whenever wherever in those.  No one ever had a clue, and again...no one saw any skin.  The ONE time, I nursed in a restaurant and tossed a blanket over my shoulder (it was kind of cool in there as we had to sit close to the door and it was winter), so  I tossed a blanket over her to keep her from getting cold while she ate.  THAT is the ONLY TIME I EVER got rude comments and glares about nursing my child in public, and she WAS completely covered up! I was floored. 

Thankfully my husband piped right up before I had a chance and set the person straight, and that person was left speech less.  Did I mention how awesome I think my husband is?  Yeh, he's a good guy, and has always been in my corner supporting everything when it came to nursing our kids!


He is totally supportive of moms nursing.  The ONLY thing he isn't too fond of is moms nursing after the 1 year mark.  That's ok, I'm working on him on that one though.  There is no age in which breast milk ceases to be good for you.  They are doing studies right now on breast milk and cancer, and breast milk and Alzheimer's.  I am personally curious to see how those studies go! There are so many healing qualities to breast milk.


Though I don't think I could have personally NURSED my child after the age of 2 though.  I am sure I would have pumped and gave it to them that way...but I do not feel I could have nursed beyond the age of 2. However, that doesn't stop me from supporting other moms who DO feel comfortable doing so. Just because it works for another family, doesn't mean I have to bash them because it doesn't/didn't work for me.


In the news recently there was a story of a mom who nursed her child during her graduation.  She shared the photo to Twitter and to a breast feeding support group on Facebook. From their the photo kind of went viral, for apparently not good reasons.  As in, she was showing a whole of breast.


First of all, I say kudos to this mom. When baby needs to eat, baby needs to eat.  You cannot reason with a baby and tell them that now isn't a good time for you to be hungry, just wait a couple of more hours. They do NOT get your reasoning, AT ALL.  They know they are hungry, and they need to eat. NOW.  They know that CRYING gets your attention and signals you to FEED them.

Most graduations are kind of long winded.  This woman was 25 so she was graduating from COLLEGE, which means...it was probably even longer. 

I wasn't at this woman's graduation, so obviously I don't KNOW the specifics or what went down. However, that doesn't stop me from guessing. 

How do we know this woman had not nursed her child BEFORE the graduation, and she may have thought the child would be ok until after the graduation ceremony.  The child in the photo doesn't look like a brand new baby (who nurses more often) than an older child. So maybe she thought the kid would be ok until after graduation.  Not every mom can pump, not every child will take a bottle.  We don't know if this mom had previously had issues nursing in public, maybe it was something she had a hard time doing, but due to her situation, and the need of her child found herself having to do so.  How many moms carry a baby blanket during their graduation?  Not many I would suppose.  So if the baby needed to eat, whoever was watching the child during the graduation may have panicked and brought her the child, without bringing a cover.  The graduation looked like it was outside too, so perhaps it was super hot.  Would you want a blanket over YOU while YOU were eating in the middle of a heat wave?  Have you seen most baby blankets?  They are made out of FLANNEL or FLEECE, those aren't exactly fabrics that are well known for keeping you COOL.  Babies are pretty warm blooded anyway, and then being up close to mom while nursing that creates a lot of extra body heat and a blanket only makes it worse.  Next time you go to the beach on a 100 degree day, try staying wrapped up in a fleece blanket while you try to eat. 


Besides nothing screams "HEY I'M BREAST FEEDING A BABY OVER HERE"  more than a brightly colored nursing cover or baby blanket thrown over your entire body.  Just might as well wear a sign on your back  that says "HEY I'M NURSING MY CHILD COME STARE AT ME AND THEN COMPLAIN TO THE WORLD THAT I'M OFFENDING YOU BECAUSE I'M NURSING EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING IS COVERED UP AND YOU CANNOT SEE A THING" 


So what the woman showed boobage.  Trust me, there are worst images than her nursing her baby during her graduation out there on the grand thing called the internet.  I'd MUCH rather my kids stumble across a photo of a nursing mom than SOME of the photos they could run into out there in the land of the internet.


My kids have seen plenty of women nurse. My kids have practiced nursing (yep even my twin sons).  They have all nursed baby dolls, Barbies', Spiderman, Dinosaurs, Lego people...you name it, my kids have breast fed it. I'm glad my children have POSITIVE images of what breasts are really for.  I don't want my sons to grow up thinking that a woman's breast is something that is ONLY to be oogled and groped and meant for THEIR pleasure.  I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's ok for a man to picture her like that, and that is all her breasts are for.  I don't want her to think that her breasts are a "dirty" thing, and that feeding her child with them is "wrong".  I want my sons to support their wives if they choose to breast feed, I want them to be supportive of their sister if she chooses to breast feed.  Women need more men that are on board with nursing.  Women need more WOMEN to be supportive of them nursing.


Another person's comfort should not come before their child's.  If I'm at the beach and I see someone walking around basically naked, I'm not going to go up to them and say "Hey, can you go in the bathroom and cover up, I have a child here".  It is MY responsibility to talk with MY child about what our family feels is and isn't acceptable. To steer them away from such things.  Just because someone is walking around naked, doesn't mean you have to gawk. You have the power to turn around and walk the other way.


If my child needs to eat, I SHOULD feed them. Now that doesn't mean I would strip my shirt off at the store and feed them shirtless like I sometimes did at home. Obviously that isn't what I would or should do.  But if that means nursing my child without a cover and showing little to no skin, then by all means I'm going to do it.


When we feed our children we often like to snuggle them, and look into their eyes and smile at them and talk to them.  That is good for their development.  Bottle feeding parents are discouraged of propping a babies bottle for health reasons, but if you prop their bottle all the time instead of holding them or looking into their eyes or talking to them while they eat...that is also damaging to their developing emotional state. They NEED that eye contact.  So to ask a nursing mom to cover up all the time, is wrong.  It takes away from the bonding from the eye contact that is so very important to babies during a very critical time.


I don't care if you use a bottle, or use your breast to feed your child.  Just feed your child.  Be kind.  We all just want to feed our children and raise them the best we can. I've bottle fed, formula fed, and breast fed all of my children. I've nursed in public, and covered up a time or two.  I don't regret any of the ways I've fed my children.  My children are growing, happy, smart, and healthy, so obviously I did something right.  When they grow up and are adults, I'm sure there will be SOMETHING I did while raising them that they hate, or will blame me for or will feel I could have done better, but I don't think that how I fed them as a baby will be one of those things.  I know I certainly don't hate my Mother for only nursing me for a  month and then giving me a bottle. She could have let me starve, then where would that have left me?


Mae