Never Judge a Book By it's Cover, or a Man By His DNA

It's been kind of a crazy week around my home.  Still trying to wrap my brain around everything.  Some things I can't really discuss out of respect for my amazing husband, but trust me, I very much have opinions about it.  I have a lot I'd REALLY love to say about it, but I love my husband more than I want to say how I feel about it (on my blog anyway) so I will not.  However my husband and I have had several in depth conversations about things going on over the past week and coming week.  It's going to be a rough road. 

Last Friday we had such amazing wonderful news.  Our Circus Son #2 is officially 5 years no evidence of disease.  It's been a looong journey.  So glad that it all went so well.  The future is still scary of course as just because someone is 5 years cancer free doesn't mean that the cancer will decide to be an A HOLE again and come back, or that he won't develop a secondary cancer (due to the treatments he received to battle the first cancer).  However, he has so far kicked cancers arse for 5 years and that my friends is absolutely amazing.  AMAAAZING.  He was diagnosed at THREE MONTHS OLD.  Four cycles of chemo, two big surgeries all before he was nine months old  WOW. 

Last Saturday we had a party for him to CELEBRATE that five years of amazingness.  Yep we had that party where I was accused of 'playing favorites' with my children (that I discussed in a previous blog).  The kids all had a blast and had so much fun celebrating five years of no cancer.  They enjoyed cupcakes, and hot dogs, and playing the Kinect, and being with friends and family.  It was a great day.  We're so glad we had that little shindig. 

By Sunday however, sad news would rain down on us.  As it always seems to when you get good news the bad always has to come too.  My husband found out that his father (who lives in another state), had passed away (on Friday, the day we were getting good news about our son).  This was a shock to us because while we knew his father was ill, we did not know HOW ill his father was due to never being told what was going on.  I guess communicating with family 7 hours away isn't always an easy task.

It's been a rough week.  I have a lot of feelings associated with this past week.  Some are great...some not so much.  That is where I have to leave that unfortunately. 

I will say, I love my husband fiercely.  I have been with this man since I was seventeen years old.  I am the person that he has opened up to about EVERY SINGLE THING that has gone on in his life.  It hasn't been an easy life for him, not EVEN CLOSE.  He has worked SO very hard after being told his whole life he's never be anything at all.  That he'd never be married, never have kids, never have a family never have anyone that 'loved' him, grew up hearing this kind of thing since he was a small child. 

** NOT MY IMAGE sharing from Facebook **
I love this, and it is so very true.  Circumstances led to my husband and I meeting and going through all we've been through TOGETHER, that was no accident. 

Here he is a college graduate, a FATHER of three beautiful children who are the light of his world, a HUSBAND , a brother and son.  He looks out for his mom, even though they have a rough relationship, he is still kind to her even though I'd often love nothing more than to drop her off the face of the planet at times (shows he is a much kinder person than I am).  I man who has over come a LOT of anger as a child/teenager to get to a place of peace within himself.  A place of forgiveness towards his parents, and others in his life.  When I say he is the first to volunteer to help others, I'm not joking.  If he even THOUGHT you needed a shirt, he'd give you the one off his own back. I have lost count of how many times he has literally given someone his LAST dollar.  The times when we could barely by groceries for our OWN family, and yet he would help out another family in a worse need get groceries or diapers for their own child, because he knew we would be ok, but he didn't want another child, another family to suffer.  The numerous times he has let friends live with us because they were home less, and he couldn't stand the thought of people being home less.  Not while we at least had a couch or floor space to put a person on. (Even when his wife was often shooting him the dirty, DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT LETTING THAT PERSON STAY WITH US look)  He would talk to me, and I would see his gentle caring heart and I'd give in.

I am so proud of this man. 

First picture of us taken together.  He's my best friend.

When I first met him he was quite the handsome guy.  I always prayed that God would send a good man into my life.  Someone who was tall, with dark hair, green eyes, and who did not drink, smoke, or do drugs.  I wanted someone who was adventurous, and could handle my sparky personality.  Someone who I could laugh with, cry with, dance with, and be myself around.  Someone with whom I could share my dreams and hopes with, and he could share his hopes and dreams with me no matter how seemingly silly. 

Our senior prom pic.  He doesn't handle crowds well and people staring, it's not his favorite thing!

Taken after we moved off on our own after high school.

My husband came into my life when we were just seventeen.  We were told we wouldn't last.  I moved out of my home when I was a month shy of being eighteen due to my own family drama that I just couldn't handle any more, my anxiety was getting the best of me and I couldn't live like that any more.  Unfortunately, there were very few supportive people.  No one approved of me living with my boyfriend.  We both heard how dumb we were, how I'd end up "just another teen statistic" that we'd both drop out of school, and I'd have a baby as a teenager, and our life would suck. 

Thankfully, shortly after graduation we moved away from all of that negativity.  Yeh.  We graduated high school, and we did quite well thank you very much.  We lived on our own.  We were dropped off in a town we knew nothing about and forgotten.  Left to fend for ourselves, literally.  That was in 2003.

One of our engagement photos

We survived. 

Flash forward to 2005, he asked me to be his wife.  (FYI we still had no babies and I was in college, and we were both working two jobs). 

By 2006 I was still in college and we had our wedding.  It was a simple, yet wonderful wedding that I loved.  For so many reasons.  We were still 'young' just turned 22 the both of us, but we were far from babies.  We'd already both been through a lot that made us different from other people our age.

By January of  2007 we found out we were expecting our first child, and she was born in September of that year, a month before our one year wedding anniversary.  What's that?  No child until after we were married?  We were (and still are) absolutely in love with that child.  My husband was injured right before I found out I was pregnant, and that was such a scary moment, he could have very easily died, and has since then struggled with health issues because of the accident he was in.  It was a terrifying moment to realize I was pregnant (after he had been injured).  What would have happened had he DIED, and then I found out I was pregnant?  It was a very jolting and scary realization.

Pregnant with our daughter, in Iowa for a family reunion.

Our daughter was just 9 days old and on her first official outing, it was just my husband and I. 

Family time together at the laundry mat, sure why not! Gotta do what you gotta do, right?

We raised our daughter, just the two of us.  No family to really help us out, we were on our own.  Working different shifts to keep our daughter out of day care so she could know her parents, and not be raised by day care workers.  We didn't want anyone to 'bail us out'. 

This picture was taken dang near exactly 7 years ago! Our daughter was 3 months old, and it was a beautiful day in the first part of March! We had so much fun that day, the weather was GORGEOUS! (Oh how I miss that weather, haha)

Our first family portrait taken at the park a couple months after my son was through with treatment.  Thank you to Peaces Photography for taking this photo!

By 2009 our twin sons were born, and one of the twins had cancer, and the other had seizures.  It was a whole new ball game.  Add on to that the fact we KNEW there was something wrong with our daughter but no one was listening.  (Speech Apraxia, and also suspected Sensory Processing Disorder, that is FINALLY going to be tested for this summer!) 

We watched our marriage almost dissolve while our son was fighting cancer. 

We watched our marriage get CLOSER while our son was fighting cancer. 

We only had each other, just the five of us.  Mom, Dad, and kids.  Us against the world. 

We both know what it's like to be the 'black sheep' of our family and not be as close to anyone in our extended families as we'd like to.  On one had, it's heart breaking.  On the other...we're sometimes glad.  It means less drama to deal with, less heart ache.  If you don't talk to anyone you don't get hurt nearly as much (in theory anyway).  You also miss a lot though.  Miss opportunities can never be regained. 

I've just watched my husband grow so much over the nearly 14 years that we have been together.  He's not a child.  He's a father.  He's a husband.  He's as PERSON.  He has feelings, he has thoughts, he has emotions, he has dreams.  He isn't just some goof ball who wants to goof off and play video games and eat food all day (maybe as a teenager, haha). 



Husband has proclaimed this his favorite birthday photo of all time. I love this one too.



Hanging out on a field trip with our Kindergarten sons this past fall

He wants to see his children GROW, he wants to be in their lives, to be active in what they do (he cannot wait to participate in Boy Scouts with his sons, he loved scouts and wishes his dad could have participated with him in it).  He is excited for the kids to play soccer this spring/summer, even though Soccer is not 'his sport' and he knows nothing about it.  He is thrilled for his children though to try something new! He loves seeing how they do in school attending their parent teacher conferences, eating lunch with them at school during special occasions, going on little family vacations with all of us (the lake is our favorite place!), he gets excited for family game night (pizza night, board games, Kinect games, move and pop corn night).  He loves all of that.  Getting and giving what he never got as a child.  Love.  The love of a family that wants to be together, that wants to do things together and be there for each other. 

Last Easter

At the annual carnival, we always have so much fun!

Helping to coach little league T Ball with the kids last summer (when his work would allow it)

Family vacation pics a couple years ago.

Family vacation pic taken at the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, NB, we had so much fun we could have stayed there forever!

Humans generally long for a connection to one another.  We want that feeling of 'belonging' of needing that personal relationship with others.  That's why we have families.  We aren't all hermits living in the mountains or the desert.  We live in apartments, suburbs, cities, the country.  Most of us start families of our own (or are at least pretty close to our siblings/parents etc) or at least have friends that we consider to be our family.  Over the past few years that's what our 'family' has consisted of. 

Friends. 

Our children have more 'family' that isn't even related to us at all in anyway shape or form other than just BEING THERE and loving us like family than they do actual family members.  Not to say they don't have extended family that loves them, because they DO! They have some awesome family members that care about them who are actually related to them, and we are so thankful for them (Sometimes I wish we could all be a little closer, but like I said sometimes we're happy for the distance we have!) 

It just breaks my heart to see my husband be down and out and then feel even worse by passing comments that get made. 

Don't judge.

Trust me when I say you don't have even the TINEST inkling of how far my husband has come in his life.  Where he was, how far he went and where he is now.  I've known him since he was 16, which is just one year after he was able to live with his mom again.  He's fought tooth and nail his entire life. Nothing has EVER been just 'handed' to him, he's always had to prove himself time and time again. Even when he is knocked down, he gets up and tries again and still continues to give to those that knocked him down, to still be kind to everyone he meets and want to help EVERYONE he can.  One of his best friends came from such a relationship.  He saw the guy struggling when he was young, and my husband kind of 'adopted' him and became like a brother to him.  They are still very close friends today. 





Ask my husband who raised him, he'll tell you his wife did.  Ha! Which some days when the husband and kids are all being goofy and picking on each other and picking on ME, trust me, I feel like I have four goofy kids I'm trying to raise!    

I just want others to keep an open mind.  When you meet someone that you've not really met before, or not for long or they are a complete stranger...just be kind.  You may have heard things, you may think you know things just from looking at someone, or hearing them talk, but I can assure you that you do not know everything.  You cannot peer into their soul, only God can do that.  Only God can really judge you.  You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, nor should you judge a person by who their family is (or rather what DNA runs through their body).




However, if we're talking about that ugly as sin dress that everyone keeps going on about, I will have to tell you, that you are all in sane and that dress is ugly and regardless of what color combo you are supporting, that dress is still ugly.  No color combination is saving that dress.  The second it quits appearing on my Facebook news feed the HAPPIER I will be. 

Also if you have tattoos I don't think you are a horrible mom (just throwing that out there, it's something I've been seeing a lot of on my Facebook news feed, apparently some Facebook group thinks tattooed moms are the devil and they suck and are giving their kids ink poisoning and what not).  There are a heck of a lot of things in this world that can make you a bad mom or dad, having a tattoo is the least of those things.  This is coming from someone who is NOT tattooed nor do I want to be, and my mother and her mother and her mother and hers before her were all un tattooed.  Just be a mom, be the best you that you can be, inked or not.  To me, inked moms, just tell their story on the outside and have illustrations to go with their words. 

** NOT MY IMAGE, sharing this from Facebook **
I think these words are so very true!! My husband was never really given 'roots' growing up, nor was he ever given 'wings' he had to earn those as he became an adult, and it was a hard struggle for him!

Mom Circus

Dealing With Loss

Tonight our family received a phone call that no one ever wants to get.  You know the ones. 

The ones where the person on the other end of the phone is sobbing uncontrollably and they are so so badly trying to hold it together, but can't.  You feel your stomach tighten in fear and you think to your self "oh my gosh, what's wrong?  Whose hurt?  Or worse...who died?" 

Then the person finally is able to speak and tell you what happened. 

Tonight, was that kind of night. 

We had just gotten home from an evening out with the kids (we took them to see that new SpongeBob movie, and I swear I lost some brain cells having watched that movie...) 

Anyway, we had literally only been home about 10min when the phone rang.  Caller ID said it was my sister in law.  When I answered the phone I instantly knew SOMETHING was wrong.  She was sobbing.  Like hard core crying her eyes out.  I said hello and let her know I was there, while my stomach did that inside out turning rolly thing that I hate so much, but is normal for when you KNOW you are about to get bad news. 

Sister in law:  *crying* "Are you sitting down?" 
Me:  "What's wrong?  Is my niece ok?  Are YOU ok?  What's wrong?"  I just NEW something had to be wrong with my sweet 2 and a half year old niece, why else would my sister in law be such a hysterical mess?  I knew it wasn't my Mother in law she had literally JUST left my house like 5min ago, and only lives 10min from my husband and I (while my sister in law lives 3 hours north of us in Iowa). 

*More crying* 

"Dad, died, he died on Friday"  *more crying*

"Can you tell my brother, please?" 

BAM.

Hit by a ton of bricks. 

What? 

I did not see that coming. 

My first thought was, wait a second...he died on FRIDAY and it's now Sunday evening and we're just NOW finding out about it?  My second immediate thought was Oh my gosh.  How am I going to tell my husband...I can't.  I have to...I can't...but I have to.  He is going to be crushed. 

My husband was in the process of getting our sons in the shower so they could get off to bed.  I had to interrupt him and tell him. 

Utter shock.  Disbelief. 

I let him talk to his sister who couldn't get much out due to her crying. 

My husband has sat around the house numbly for a few hours now.  Just letting it all sink in.  He hurts.  He's broken. 

His dad is gone.  The father that was OUT of his life more than he was IN it.  The dad that was responsible for part of the hell he went through as a child and young teenager.  The dad he felt so angry towards for so much of his life, but worked so hard to over come that, and FINALLY reached out to contact his father when he was 18.  That was a huge day for my husband.  HUGE. 

He wanted so much. 

My husband wanted to have a relationship with his dad (who lived hours away from us, he was all the way in Tennessee and could only visit once in a great while). 

He wanted to go golfing with his dad which is an activity his dad LOVED.  He wanted to ride motorcycles with his dad, another activity his dad loved, he wanted to get a tattoo with his dad (another activity his dad enjoyed as well).  He wanted to learn how to work on the old classic cars his dad had.  Just to get to know his dad.  His DAD. 

None of that ever happened. 

None.

His dad came around a few times, it was great while he was here we had a great time, he'd leave with promises to call and contact us and it'd all be great.  For maybe a month.  Then we'd stop hearing from him, and he's quit answering his calls, and change his number. 

It hurt my husband a lot. 

Not only did he have to deal with hurtful things from his own mom, but he had to deal with pain from his dad too, STILL, after all these years.  My husband just hoped they both would change.  He was tired of constantly feeling rejected.

My father in law was at our wedding back in 2006.  He was my husband's best man.  My husband's step mom came up for the wedding too, as well as my husband's much younger half brother and half sister who were in our wedding.  We thought it would be kind of 'one big happy family' type thing.  It wasn't.  That 'togetherness' feeling never seems to last long with my husbands side of the family (who am I kidding, my side of the family isn't any better at that either).  It was a great wedding and we were so happy that they could all be there! It really meant a lot and I know the wedding photos from that day will really mean a lot to us as they are some of the only photos we have of us all together.






My father in law came up when Circus Daughter was born back in 2007.  He was a proud Grandpa.  My daughter loved her Ppaw and she was spoiled a bit by her grandparents after she was born, for that first year anyway. 

Her Ppaw came to visit again when my daughter was 9 months old.  It was a really great visit, it took the child no time at all to hit it off again with her Ppaw.  They had so much fun, and there were all kinds of grins and giggles from that child. 





10 months later, when she was 19 months old her twin brothers were born and once again Ppaw was back to visit! Once again, it took no time at all for them to get right back to being buddies.  It's been almost 6 years since she's seen her Ppaw, and she will never get to see him again.  That was also the once and only time my sons got to see their Ppaw, the day they were born. 



We've always made sure they had our address and phone number, our number hasn't changed in nearly four years now.  For the longest time my husband tried his best to call at least once a month.  I used to send letters with pictures and updates of the kids, but never got a reply and I was told that they weren't getting the letters and stuff, so I stopped sending them.  I don't know what happened with the phone calls and letters.  But it broke my husband's heart, and he just kind of ... gave up. 

We knew over the past few years that his dad wasn't doing well.  Diabetes had not been kind to him.  We knew that he was having to undergo dialysis, and a transplant would have been great, but unfortunately that never happened for him.  We didn't know that he had to have some amputations done.  That hit my husband hard. 

My husband finally talked to his step mom, and found out that an infection had made his dad very sick and that the medicine he was given or was going to get was just a little too late. 

Right now it feels like a rug has been pulled out from under us.  Especially for my husband.  Who realizes he has far too few photos of him with his dad.  Realizing that our children have far too photos with their Ppaw. 

Realizing that the reality of him being able to get down there for the funeral/memorial is unlikely at this point in time.  It's heart breaking for him.  My husband hates funerals and the like, but he wants to be able to say good bye to his dad, to hug his little brother and little sister and step mom. 

I'm giving him some space.  Letting him do what he needs to right now.  I know he needs time and space to process what has happened, a chance to grieve.  However, I am still letting him know that I am here for him, and I love him. 

I understand all too well what it's like to lose a father, especially one you don't know well.  My own father died when I was a toddler, and I have few photos with him, and I have zero memories of my own father.  It's hard. 

Losing a parent is NEVER easy.  Even when you know they are sick and that death is a likely out come, though you don't know exactly how far away that is, when it happens....you aren't prepared for it in the slightest. 

Losing a parent....makes a child stop and face their own morality.  You KNOW that people get old and they die.  That's the way life goes.  But for some reason...you kind of get in this track that it doesn't apply to your parents.  That they are just going to BE there.  They won't leave you.

When they do leave you, you realize....wow.  That will be me some day.  Who knows when my number will be up. It's a bit scary.

I always like my father in law, given a few flaws here and there, and not always agreeing with how he treated his three older kids from a previous relationship, but life is what it is.  I personally, didn't have a reason to dislike him, and my husband was just so happy to have his dad be a semi part of his life again that there was NO WAY I was ever going to try and squash that!

My father in law, liked old cars, motorcycles, tattoos, and playing golf among a few things.  He loved tinkering on cars too.  He was a fun guy and I loved how much my daughter adored her Ppaw when he was around (the three times she saw him anyway).  I wish my twins would have been able to see him a few more times than just once, the day they were born.  However, we can't go back in time and change things.  So we will tell them the story of how their Ppaw WAS there for their birth and how wonderful he thought the boys were. 

My heart breaks for my husband, and I hope that he is able to grieve the loss of his father.  Death, and losing those close to him has always been really hard for him. 

I'm still not quite sure how the kids are going to take it, seeing as how they don't remember their Ppaw, but they know it is Daddy's dad.  (Well I think they know....) 

My father in law will be greatly missed.  He leaves behind 5 children (three daughters and two sons), and he leaves behind 4 grand children (2 girls and 2 boys). 

I think my father in law would be excited to know that all three of his sons children LOVE classic cars as much as their Grandfather did, and that they all three love motorcycles and the youngest grandson wants to build and race them.  Also, my daughter can't wait to grow up and get a tattoo.  That would all make my father in law smile a lot. 

He will be in our hearts, and not forgotten. 

Mom Circus

Playing Favorites

So Happy Valentines day to everyone.  I hope you all had a splendiferous day! Lots of fun and snuggles with your love.  I know our day was busy, and fun and silly and goofy, and well for the most part just a really fun day. 


We started out our morning with donuts and strawberry milk, a special Valentines day treat for my little CIRCUS.  "Donut" you know I love you?  Yeh, that was catchy huh.  Hey, they liked it. 

After that we did a mad dive to clean the house up a bit before we went on with the rest of our day.  Friday night was kinda crazy at our house.  My daughter had to be picked up from school at two for a doctors appointment to make sure she didn't break her foot on Monday.  She had been complaining about it and had been in tears the past couple of days so I was afraid she had fractured something.  Thankfully it's just a bad bruise, and she'll be ok. 

Of course the kids all came home from school yesterday with their Valentines goodies they got in class.  Even though you tell them "NO MORE CANDY!!"  They still find a way to get more candy.  So there have been far too many sweets being eaten in this house the past 3 days! So I'm ready to get back on track with the limited sweets. 

So this morning when I woke up there were still Valentines day cards from their class mates all over the living room floor.  Candy wrappers too.  Stickers, and tattoos, and who knows what else. 

We also had a big pile of Girl Scout cookies (those came in yesterday and we had to go pick this up so we can start delivering those).  But last night, I didn't want to do anything other than spend time with my kids. 

So we watched a movie (by the way Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty awesome, but does have a few bad words/suggestive language so if you don't want your kids watching that...now you know).  But it was cute, and my kids loved it though they kept asking when Iron Man, Captain America, and the Hulk and Spiderman were going to come out and save the day. 

We ate pizza, and pop corn and snuggled up and watched a movie and we all went to bed.  (And then this morning woke up to donuts and strawberry milk).  We are sooo not winning any 'healthy food' points here are we?  I can promise, that is NOT a normal diet around here!

Anyway, after breakfast, and cleaning house today, my daughter had a Girl Scout cookie booth she had to be at and so we went and did that, even though it was bleeping COLD out there! It was so cold and windy it was ridiculous.  BRR.  I was so glad when we were all told we could go home.  So glad. 

After we got back from that we headed out of town to another town, a bigger town, with a mall. We don't go there often and this was a nice little treat.  Unfortunately today was Valentines Day so everyone and their Uncle Bob was out too.

Popped in to Hobby Lobby.  I'm in love with that store.  Can I just like, move in there???

We stopped to get some Chinese.  We also made a trip to a place called Bonkers, it's a gigantic play area for children, also serves pizza and all kinds of other stuff.  Fun place,  it's loud too.  We figured that since it was Valentines Day it wouldn't be that busy.  Hahahahaha, right.  It was packed.  However the kids had a blast.  I was so proud of my daughter she actually went all the way up the play area instead of just hanging out on the bottom floor.  She conquered whatever fear she had and just did it.  So very proud of her.  Especially considering we have a Girl Scout event there in a couple of weekends. 

Fun at Bonkers tonight :)

So all in all, we had a lovely day. 

Until.  I read my Facebook. 

I wasn't a happy camper. 

Being told I 'play favorites' with my children is enough to send me over the edge.  Especially from someone who knows my family (not super well but it's someone we know outside of the 'internet' but they aren't that close of friends).  Not privy to every single second and detail of our lives. 

After posting the following photos, and mentioning that we just let the kids each pick out a new toy (for the record their toys all cost the same amount), and I mentioned that we had bought an extra item for one of our sons for a special celebration that was coming up that I would be talking about LATER (as in I didn't have time to give any details, but there would be more talk about it later), hence when I got raked over the coals for 'play favorites'.  Never mind the fact that there were few details I gave, and I said I'd be mentioning it later.  Someone obviously JUMPED to conclusions and thought they knew everything.  Never mind the fact the 'extra' item that was bought, was a whopping $5 and was from the sales rack, but is something our son will LOVE for his celebration next Saturday, and he could care less about price.  Not to mention the fact my husband and I had already picked out some extra special items for ALL THREE children for that day as well.  Keep sakes.  Special items. 

Son Circus #1 with his highly coveted Mine Craft Lego's he's been BEGGING for since he saw a commercial for them back in November (he wanted them for Christmas, but that didn't happen). 

Son Circus #2 with his Super Hero 'mash up' toy that he got, he loves super heroes and it's something he has wanted for a long time (comes with all kinds of parts and pieces and a 'space ship'. 

My daughter with the doll she got for Christmas, she chose to buy her doll some new out fits.  She is happy with what she chose, and it was her choice. Everything came up to the same amount.

Our youngest son is coming up to his 5 years No Evidence of Disease (if you remember I blogged about this a few days ago, a very emotional blog on WHY this is such a big day for our ENTIRE family). 

From the very moment our son was diagnosed we have been planning how we would celebrate when he finally hit 5 years.  There was no IF he hit five years, it was WHEN he hit five years NED we knew what we were doing for him.

It's a big deal.  Doctors and nurses have poked and prodded, stabbed and jabbed, scanned and IV'd him for FIVE FREAKING YEARS!! Chemo, surgeries, scans, bone marrow draws, lab work after lab work.  It's been ROUGH on the kid.  He has handled it like a CHAMP.  Not to mention, the stuff his brother and sister have went through.  So yes, his cancer journey is as much THEIR journey as it is HIS.  However, they weren't the ones being put through chemo, surgery, pokes, prods, and scans.  Our lil man earned every bead on his Beads of Courage strand (a fantastic organization by the way you should totally check them out and see how you can help support what they do). 

I was told that I'm being an unfair parent and showing favoritism to ONE child over the other and it isn't right and I should make it fair among them all. 

Scuse me. 

BITE MY ASS. 

You have NO idea what I have been through with my children.  The tears I have shed for each and every single one of them at different times throughout their lives.  The things we have celebrated for EACH AND EVERY CHILD. 

During our sons cancer we were in some great organizations.  They spoiled that boy rotten.  That wasn't always easy to explain to my other two children.  So we tried our best to keep things equal, but it wasn't always possible.  We did our best. 

We were in another organization Super Sibs (another amazing organization) that focuses on the SIBLINGS to a child that has cancer.  Far too often the siblings do feel left out, hurt, scared, etc.  The organization helps those kids to feel heard, that they aren't alone, it isn't their fault, and that they are special too and that they are doing great things to help their sibling that is ill.  Wonderful organization, lots of great resources there (that can be helpful for a lot of different families).  I remember the day my daughter and son received trophies in the mail because they were 'super sibs'.  My son did NOT understand why THEY got trophies for being HIS brother and sister when he was the one that did all the 'owies'.  It made my other two feel special, and my other one feel a little left out until I explained to him that his scars, and his beads of courage, THOSE are his trophies, those show what he's been through and how tough he is.  That his brother and sister have been through a lot too, because they love him so much and they worry about him all the time (his big sister used to kiss his tummy all the time to 'kiss away the cancer boo boo's"  she believed kisses cured everything so she was going to kiss that cancer all gone from his tummy.  She'll still tell you that's what worked.  It was her kisses to her brothers tummy that did the trick.  My sons twin brother would always try to snuggle and hug him every time he came home from the hospital to make him feel better, he didn't like seeing his little twin brother be so sad or feel icky, and they were just BABIES at the time. 

So now that it is 5 years NED.  (scans next week so we'll find out for sure).  My daughter and son are THRILLED to be apart of the planning of this surprise party for their little brother.  They WANT to surprise him and show them they care and they love him.  They WANTED to buy him an extra special gift from each of them to him.  They adore him.  He's their brother. 

We wanted to get him something special as well, and something special for our other two kids as well. 

So I REALLY didn't appreciate being 'informed' that I was playing favorites and essentially a horrible parent for it.  I bend over backwards to make things as equal for my children as I possibly can. 

If they pick out a toy, they get the same price range.  They take turns picking out movies and a snack on family night.  They take turns choosing board games to play.  We all snuggle on the floor together because everyone wants to snuggle up tight to mom and dad.  Hell, I even have to have the same amount of pictures of them hanging on my living room wall or I feel terrible! I have to have the same number of art work/good grades hanging on the fridge or I feel bad.  They get the same number of Christmas and Birthday gifts. 

My husband and I take turns going to their school activities so we can rotate who does what with each kind in their classrooms.  Two boys in kindergarten and one daughter in first, that isn't always easy to rotate things when their are only two parents! We do our best to make sure no one feels left out. 

We play with each of them separately at home.  Barbies with my daughter, Lego's with one son, and super hero action figures with the other.  Then we find a way to combine all of the ways we played and have one big play session, and it's FUN. 

They are all THREE playing soccer this year, not just one.  They all THREE played T ball last year and I was the freaking COACH last year, tell me how I played favorites?  Because trust me....favoring my kids during tball was the LAST THING on my mind, especially when two were acting like holy terrors the entire time. 

When we have birthday parties they get the same type of party.  They have the same price range for gifts.  When the boys have their party they agree on a theme together, and mom sets it all up.  The boys EACH get their OWN CAKE, we don't make them share a cake.  We sing Happy Birthday to each of them.  They each get their OWN gifts.  The boys may be twins but they are two totally different people, two different individuals and they are treated as such. 

My daughter is in Girl Scouts for the second year and she loves it.  My sons will be signed up for Scouts as soon as they are old enough.  They have to be in first grade, they aren't QUITE there yet, so obviously they have to wait. 

However when I am at a Girl Scout thing with my daughter my husband does something fun with the boys at home.  So they are having a blast hanging out with Dad!

They all get to do the same things. 

I don't love one more than another.  They all three each have a third of my heart (and that third of my heart is HUGE for each of them, it's darn near like I have three huge hearts in my body, one for each of them!) 

I'm proud of all they have accomplished and all they do!

Son Circus #1 no longer has seizures, and you better believe we celebrated that accomplishment as well!  He is also very good at math, and building stuff with Lego's, and he wants to build things with wood. He's a very talented little boy! He works hard in school and just wants to be a hard worker do well and make us proud of him (which we are).  He also LOVES soccer and is so excited to play soccer this year (and for being almost 6 and having never played soccer on an organized team before he's actually not half bad!)  Super excited to be in scouts!

Son Circus #2 is coming up on 5 years NED, he loves to go fast, and do tricks on his bike.  He isn't so fond of school, or reading, or math.  However, he likes art class, and music class, and he wants to learn to play the piano, and he wants his own guitar.  He wants to be in a rock band and drive motorcycles, and build race cars.  He wants to play soccer this year to try something new, but he really loved playing Tball last year.  He can't wait to be in scouts too! He says he's tough and fearless.

Daughter Circus, is in first grade and loves school but hates math and reading (especially math).  She loves to write though and fills up note books with all kinds of stories and pictures.  She loves her "My Life" doll (it's a knock off version of the American Girl Doll, and it works just as well).  She loves pink and glitter and earrings and girly, but she isn't afraid to get dirty and play in the mud and play foot ball and wrestle wrestle wrestle.  She's amazing with animals, is kind to everyone she meets, cares about the environment and loves being a Girl Scout. 

Trust me, I could go on and on and on and on about my kids and how amazing they are and how proud of them I am! Every certificate and award they get at school, activities they've been involved in here and there along the way, their own personal struggles (you try having issues with reading and writing and see how easy school is for you!)  They do well and they don't give up!

Do not ever tell me or my children that I love one child over them.  Kids say that enough on their own without the 'input' of adults.  If you don't live in my home, if you aren't their mom and dad then you have NO IDEA how much I love my children and how much I am very proud of all three of them. 

If we want to have a 5 year NED celebration for our son who has FOUGHT CANCER then I will.  I do not need to explain to YOU or anyone else why we are doing so.  I do not need your permission.  I do not need to justify a single thing to you.  It's our decision.  NO one else's.  He's not your son, it's not your problem.  We aren't the only childhood cancer family out there that does this for their children, it isn't taboo or a new idea.  It's CELEBRATING a mile stone.  We don't exactly break out the cake and streamers on his cancer diagnosis date, because that's not exactly a day we feel like CELEBRATING.  It's more of a day of reflection to us, because it's the day our world was flipped upside down.  So if we want to celebrate him being 5 years NED we certainly will.  That's something you can definitely feel like celebrating.

You have no idea the guilt and pain I felt when I was in the hospital with my newborn son as we waited for a diagnosis, and my other newborn son and toddler daughter were staying with other people because my husband and I needed to know what was wrong with our son.  It hurt SO BAD to be away from my babies, I HAD NEVER BEEN AWAY FROM THEM UNTIL THAT MOMENT.  It was so hard, on me and them.  I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed them so much. 

I cried because what if these moments with my son in the hospital were the ONLY moments I would ever have with him.  What kind of memories would those be? 

He spent his first Halloween and First Christmas and ALMOST spent his first New Years in the hospital. 

I cried when he had to spend time away from his brother and sister, and we weren't all together as a family.  We felt broken that way.  We weren't whole. 

I cried when he had trouble catching up to mile stones thanks to his cancer.  He struggled, and that struggle was hard on him and on his siblings.  They didn't understand why Bubby couldn't do what they could do, and neither did he. 

I don't have A favorite child, I have THREE favorite children.  And I gave birth to all of them.  MY babies. 
At least I know who NOT to invite to my sons celebration next weekend. 

My kids 'get it'.  My husband 'gets it'.  Our close friends and family 'get it'.  I guess that's all that really matters. 

Don't be a jerk, don't think you know it all.  Just because you 'know' us doesn't mean you KNOW our family or how we feel.  I've shed so many tears over my babies.  Unless your a parent, and unless you've seen your children struggle, you've no idea what it feels like.  You don't know what it's like to try and juggle three children under two years old, and one is sick, and you are trying to spend equal time with all three of them because they ALL NEED YOU and they need you RIGHT THEN.  And there is only ONE mom and only ONE dad.  You can only be stretched so far.  I can tell you thought that my husband and I have bent over backwards to always keep things as equal between our kids as we possibly can. 

That's a struggle that EVERY parent of more than one child knows! Whether you have a child that has had a health issue or special need or not, if you have more than one kid, you know that struggle of keeping an equal balance between your kids.

Mom Circus.

My Heart Aches

Yeesh.  My anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF tonight, what is up with THAT?  Oh my gosh.  Trying to help the kids with their home work tonight was unbearable (FOR ME), I couldn't do it, literally I just could not do it at all, and I had to leave the room and let my husband do it and the kids weren't even being misbehaved, they were just being slower than what my brain was wanting to deal with (and they weren't even actually BEING slow at it, they were doing it at a great pace, but my brain...bleh.  Wanted them to go faster so I was antsy and impatient, and I didn't want to make them feel bad, so with a happy smile I let Dad take over and Mom took a break.  The past week my anxiety has been a massive roller coaster.  I know why too.

You see that boy?  You see that SMILE.  That is one third of my heart walking around on this earth.  I love him so very much.  He is the strongest little boy.  He is my hero. 

My sons cancer scans are NEXT WEEK. 

I'm on a HUUUGE roller coaster of emotions right now. 
 
This is big guys.  This is his 5 year cancer scans.  LAST SCANS. 

The LAST TIME I will get to 'peek' into his body to see what the cancer is doing (ok so only the doctors know what they are seeing and really THEY peek in and tell ME what's going on)  But still, it's my last 'window' to what his cancer is doing.  And it scares me.  It scares me a LOT.  However, I'm also SUPER SUPER THRILLED that this is his LAST set of scans. The last time he will have to get an IV, get that yucky radioactive isotope injection in his IV, and the last time he will be put into a CT machine, and the last time he'll be sandwiched for 45min in the MIBG machine. 

I'm SO HAPPY and so scared. 

I'm falling apart here emotionally guys.  Seriously.  Stupid brain keeps replaying all the scary stuff my boy went through.  Out of no where I will have like this awful vision of the cancer coming back and we're back at square one and it scares the holy shit out of me.  I start to hyperventilate and I have to talk myself down from it.  CALM DOWN Woman, just CALM DOWN, you are getting yourself worked up and that's not good. 

I thought I had been handling everything so good! The past two years I've been mellow, calm, cool, collected, sentimental even about his cancer journey.  I was "eh, it wasn't THAT bad...I handled everything ok..." 

Apparently, it was all a lie.  A brain game, on me. 

Emotions catching up with me.  I feel like I'm about ready to jump out of my own skin, and that is so so so not like me at all.  But I'm absolutely terrified for those scans next week. 

I'm excited to see the Oncology nurses and doctors again, it's been a year since we saw them last.  (well other than 2min when my daughter and I popped into the Oncology unit back in December when she had her heart check up at the same hospital).
 
My son (Circus Son #2) has grown so much since then.  He's such a normal BOY.  So amazing.  Blowing me away with his awesomeness every day.  He's come so far since that day almost 6 years ago.  He was 3 months old at diagnosis.  I will NEVER forget that day, always etched in my mind.  It comes flashing back to me, so does the day when he was 6 months old and we were told the cancer was spreading and he needed surgery and chemo, all within a week. 

That all comes flooding back to me, and I can't breathe. 

Then I think, "OMG....is it going to happen again?  What will they see?  What has the cancer been 'doing' for the past year?"  My heart suddenly stops beating and it's both in my throat and in my toes all at the same time, and my world spins. 

I  read every day about kids fighting Neuroblastoma.  Kids so close to 5 years NED, and BAM, blindsided by relapse.  I cry and I cry and I cry.  I find myself distancing myself here and there from some of the childhood cancer community, because I'm scared.  I don't want to read these stories anymore, I can't.  It hurts so much and scares me so bad.  I don't want that to be my baby.  I don't want it to be ANYONES baby.  So then I just cry and cry and cry some more. 
 
I worry.  I cry.  I pray, I start all over again.  I catch my breath.  I breathe, I yell, I get all anxious and then cry some more. 

I never wanted this.  I never wanted my son to have cancer, no one does.  I certainly never wanted to feel like this as a mom, this terrified for my child. 

He's almost 6 years old now.  He was 6 months when he started chemo.  He doesn't remember ANYTHING that he went through, but I do.  I close my eyes and I see it clearly.  If he had to go through all of that again...I can't even BEAR to think about it, I just can't.  I cannot imagine my head strong STUBBORN little boy going through any of that, again.  He barely tolerated it the first time around! Cancer toyed with our family so much, and I don't want that to happen again.  It's just toying with ME right now, with my emotions.  I hate it. 

So I had to apologize to my kids tonight for Mommy's grouchiness.  I wasn't cross with them, and didn't mean to come off as impatient. 

I have had anxiety attacks off and on my whole life, but this past several weeks has been dang near unbearable.  I'm literally on an emotional roller coaster and I want off! I can't do this up and down thing much longer. 

I feel like an idiot, because it's been almost five years now.  I shouldn't STILL be this emotional over it all.  I mean, compared to so many kids my son had it 'easy'.  (HELL NO nothing he went through was easy by any means, but TRUST ME when I say that SO MANY KIDS HAD IT SO MUCH MUCH WORSE). 

Seriously the last two years I've been all calm cool collected and not bothered at all.  I would recognize the important cancer dates in my sons life.  His diagnosis date, July 31st., the date we found out the cancer was spreading and he needed surgery and chemo, Oct. 22nd (which was also my husband and I's third wedding anniversary), and the day he HAD that surgery was Oct. 30th (spent his first Halloween unconscious in the ICU at the children's hospital after surgery). 

Nov. 9th my son started his first cycle of chemo, he was barely 6 months old. 
Jan. 21st marked his 4th cycle of chemo. 
By Feb. 23rd he was off of treatment.
By that August he was marked as NED. 

Then year after year we inched towards that date. 5 years. 

Those 5 year cancer scans.  At the time they were like the Olympic gold medal hanging at the end of the finish line.  Just waiting for my son to reach out and GRAB THEM and make them his! After all, he's earned them that's for sure.  He's got the scars to prove it.

Now? 

They are looming. 

Like a guillotine.  Just waiting. 

The anticipation is suffocating. 

I haven't felt this way in several years.  Five to be exact. 

I've forgotten how awful it feels. 

How could I forget that feeling? 

HOW?!

It's exhausting. 

I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I'm snappy with everyone, I cry at the drop of a hat.  Suddenly finding myself unable to breathe at the most odd times, because something makes me think back to five years ago and I just...I just can't.  It still hurts. 

You don't realize how much it hurts you to see your child go through all of that until you experience it.  It's awful.  I felt so helpless so useless. I couldn't do ANYTHING for my son.  I couldn't just FIX IT for him.  As a mom you see your child, your BABY hurting and you do whatever you can to make it right for them, to fix it.  I couldn't do that for him, I couldn't go inside his body and fight the cancer for him.  TRUST ME I would have, if I could. 

He had to do that on his own (with the help of the chemo and God and amazing doctors). 

So many times I couldn't even HOLD my son because of surgeries or he was just so angry he didn't WANT me to hold him. 

I remember all the times I helped hold him down for blood work, and pokes and scans.  The screams he made...he was just a baby.  He would look at me...with those eyes...oh his big brown eyes.  He didn't need to talk.  His eyes did it.  I just looked into those BIG BROWN EYES and they just said

"Why?" 

Why Mommy?  Why aren't you saving me?  Why are you letting these mean people hurt me?  Why are you helping them?  WHY does it hurt, WHY are you doing nothing?  Don't you love me? 

I would sob and sob and sob.  I was told I could leave the room when they did these things, but I couldn't leave him, I COULDN'T and I WOULDN'T.  I stayed with him every step of the way, even stayed with him as long as I could before they'd take him back to surgeries and I would sob and sob when they took him out of my arms....

It was so hard to look him in the eyes.  But I did my best to portray how much I loved him, and how much it was hurting me to see him go through all of this. 

Sometimes I questioned whether staying in the rooms was my way of punishing myself for my son having cancer.  Stupid I know.  But you'd be surprised by how many times I was asked "what did you to cause your sons cancer?"  (Like I drank a magic potion or said a spell or did something evil and horrible to cause my son to have cancer). 

So I guess I just tortured myself in the long run, because I knew I couldn't fix it for him. I couldn't make it go away. 

When your baby is hungry, you can feed them. 
When your baby is cold, you can warm them. 
When your baby is hot, you can cool them.
When your baby needs a clean diaper, you change them. 
When they are sleepy, you can rock them to sleep.
When they have cancer....there isn't anything YOU can do (well, praying, and praying is a HUGE HUGE thing you can and should do for them, at least that's how my family anyway). 

Just the fear of relapse has ALWAYS BEEN THERE. 

It is my biggest fear, hands down. 

I literally lose sleep over the idea.

These children literally put the color in my world.  That is my heart.  Every.  Single.  Bit of it.  Walking around outside of my body.  That's a scary world out there. It's scary watching bits of your heart walking around, vulnerable to all of the scary stuff in the world, not to mention the scary things like cancer that can be hiding in their tiny little bodies.

This is the first time I've actually talked about how I've been feeling.  Other than "Oh yeh, we're nervous for his scans coming up, but we always are"  That's about the extent of it. 

If only you (who do not have a child who has gone through cancer) knew how I felt on the inside.  However, I pray you all never have to know that feeling! I don't want you to know, but at the same time I do want you to know, so that's why I'm telling you. 

Hopefully talking about it makes me a little less anxious.  I can hope. 

While my brain knows I'm not the only mom feeling like this, I wish my brain would tell my heart that, because right now...my heart feels so scared and alone just thinking about all of the what if's, and what we've already been through, and praying to God we don't have to go through it again.  Praying for the families who ARE going through it again, because damn it, once was bad enough, and no one should even have to experience it ONCE let alone TWICE.  So then I feel so guilty for not wanting it to be my son SO BADLY, but then I don't want it to be ANYONE ELSES child either!!

I read another blog tonight and I wish I had saved the link so I could share it here, but at the time it was too much for me to even handle. I should have KNOWN better than to click the link, but I did it anyway. 

Twins.  Twin sons.  One fought a battle with cancer, and died.  The twin....also diagnosed with cancer, and still fighting. 

I lost it.  Cried and sobbed like I haven't cried in a long long time.  That did not help my anxiety any. 

That has been a HUGE HUGE HUGE fear of mine. 

Do you know when Circus Son #2 was diagnosed with cancer they NEVER ran a single test on his twin brother.  Not.  A.  Single.  One.  JUST to make sure he didn't also have cancer. 

Do you know how many TWINS have cancer?  How many twins have ONE twin fighting cancer?  How many twins will lose a SIBLING to cancer?  Do you have ANY idea how terrifying that is?  Losing one child would be the end of the world to begin with, but losing TWO children to the monster of cancer....I literally wouldn't be able to handle it, at all.  I couldn't. 

So those are the MADDENING thoughts that I get to deal with on a sorta fairly regular basis. 

"oh but worrying about it fixes nothing"  Yeh, ok well, right you are....but put yourself in my shoes and then tell me how easy it is to talk like that, ok?  I bet you would be wanting to claw the eye balls out of the next person that made that comment to YOU. 

As a parent, you WORRY about your kids all the time! But it's usually not about cancer. 

It's usually bed times, school grades, boo boo's, the sniffles, maybe getting their tonsils out, a high fever, making friends, getting into trouble..etc etc.  And yes, those are all very valid fears, and worries. 

However, so is worrying about your child's future...and his cancer.

You worry.  You pray, you hope for the best.

Cross your fingers, eyes and toes....whatever it takes. 

Just praying for NO GLOW and a full official 5 years of No Evidence of Disease. 

Feb. 18th and 20th are both coming too quickly, and yet going at a snails pace.

Please nerves calm down before the day gets here!! I do have to live  life during this time ya know! I don't have time for anxiety attacks and cry sessions.  I have first grade math (common core, whoop whoop) to deal with. 

Making Valentines boxes for the kids parties, filling out V Day cards (where did I put the name lists again for each of the kids classes???)

My  work schedule. 

Remembering that tomorrow is PJ day for my daughters class, remembering she has a Girl Scout V Day party this week (and we need to get those cards made for that).  Not to mention Girl Scout cookies come in Friday, and then we have a cookie booth coming up.  Girl Scout Thinking Day is the day after my sons LAST ever cancer scan. 

Breathe. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

You got this mom. 

You got it.

Your kids got this. 

GOD has this.  He has all of us.  He's got our back.  No matter WHAT. 

Mom Circus

Just Be Healthy

Uuugh.  I've been seeing the vaccination debate since 2007 when I found out I was pregnant with my very first child.  I found out I was pregnant with her in Jan. of 2007, and she was born Sept. of 2007, so I had 9 months (well technically 41.5 weeks to be exact) to read all about the whole vaccination debate and hear moms fight via the internet over the whole shebang.

It gets ugly people. 

Down.  Right.  U-G-L-Y. 

Why?  Because parents do NOT like to be told what they SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do with their children (Examples:  circumcision VS not, or breast feeding VS not, cloth diapering VS not, co sleeping VS not, attachment parenting VS not, stay at home moms VS not, young moms VS not, home schooling VS not, vaccinating VS not, natural birth VS not,  cry it out VS not, home birth VS not, spanking VS not,   etc etc the list goes on and on and on my friend, seriously. The "NOT" referring to the other opposing side of however someone feels about a subject.)

We hate being judged, and being told what to do with our children and what would make us "better" parents.  Or how wrong we are, yadda yadda.  We don't like to have our flaws pointed out (not that doing any of these [above] things makes us 'flawed' by any means, I just mean in general it makes us  HIGHLY uncomfortable to have our flaws pointed out to us as parents, as MOMS). 

Before we even HAVE our children, sometimes before we are even PREGNANT but have just let friends/family know we are trying for a kid, or are planning to have kids at some point in the future we are INSTANTLY bombarded with instructions.  The "how to's", 'Helpful' advice from moms of every age, variety, and experience.  This is how you should do this, this is how you should do that, if you don't do this then blah blah blah.  You then get to hear other moms talk about other moms. 

This happened today while I was at work actually.  I saw a mom sitting with her toddler (who is not her first kid, just the only one she has at home at the moment the others are apparently all in school).  Anyway, she was complaining about a friend with a young child, and it's her FIRST child.  Complaining about how the other mom does this or doesn't do that, and how she always calls asking advice and how it's SO annoying. 

I was like, WOW.  My kids haven't been 'babies' in a few years now, but I can see nothing has changed in the "MOM WORLD". 

Moms still slamming other moms. 

Moms still slamming their FRIENDS.  Hello.  You are both moms.  You both grew a baby in your stomach. Your bodies were both AMAZING and grew a HUMAN! How cool is THAT?  You brought that child into the world in the best way you could (whether C Section or not).  Your goal, is to raise that child to the best of YOUR ability. To love, nurture, and protect that precious tiny human that is now in your care. 

I think at that point, you can use all the help you can get.  All the 'friends' you can.  It's scary having a new baby! Please note, they do NOT come with owners manuals.  I've looked.  None of mine had one.  NONE.  They also did not come with a mute button, or volume control button, or a GPS system.  They are also not self cleaning (well they grow up to be that way, mostly...but it takes a few years).  They also don't come with a translating system either. 

However, I'm here to talk about vaccinating. 

I was vaccinated.  My husband was vaccinated, my Mother was vaccinated too.  (She still has the polio vaccination scar on her arm).  At least getting vaccinated for Polio that doesn't happen in our country anymore, at least not that I'm aware of. 

When my daughter was ready to be vaccinated I had a TON of questions.  I had seen and read the stuff posted on the baby board and seen the harsh arguments that ensued (from experienced moms and new moms and everyone in between).  It was crazy! I decided to talk to my pediatrician. 

Now, I'm not a huge fan of that particular pediatrician for things that transpired later when my twins were born, but at least, when it came to vaccinations he didn't play around.  I was made aware of what vaccinations he used, and what was in them, and how he felt about vaccinations. 

I was happy when I learned he was cool with a delayed vaccination schedule. 

So that's precisely what we did with my daughter.  Delayed her vaccinations, and we decided to NOT do the chicken pox vaccine at all because it wasn't proven to even really help at all anyway, so what was the point.  We just didn't do it. 

She got everything else, just broken down and at spread out time periods.  Worked for us.  Worked for my daughter.  I'm glad we did it that way.  She had a slight reaction to one particular vaccination (no it wasn't the MMR).  It wasn't anything out of the ordinary or dangerous, but it was a bit of a reaction.  It was scary, but not crazy scary.

Didn't scare me away from vaccinating my daughter. 

I wanted to keep her safe.  I didn't want her to get some of those awful illnesses.  I also didn't want her to have to hide from the world for fear of "catching" something going around.  I wanted to be able to GO places and DO things with my whole family and not fear my daughter contacting measles while we were out and about. 

When my twins were born I just assumed we'd do things the way we had with my daughter, you know what they say about assumptions, right? 

Well, when one of your sons is diagnosed with cancer at 3 months old you find yourself in a WHOLE NEW BALL PARK. 

He had BARELY had any vaccinations at all.  His immune system was still basically being protected by the immunities my body had given him, but soon those immunities wouldn't be enough.

Before we had much of a chance to think about anything regarding vaccinations, our son was diagnosed with cancer.  We were told he couldn't have any further vaccinations, and his siblings or his parents, couldn't have any LIVE virus vaccines.  Nice. (Did I mention that at the time my sons were born that H1N1 was going around real bad and was scaring the pants off of everyone!!) 

When my son was 6 months old he had to start chemo.  There went his immune system, taking a nose dive.  For 10 days after EVERY chemo (and he had 4 cycles of chemo, so he received a total of 40 shots), he had to have an immune boosting shot to help his system recover from chemo (that's the simple terms).  It was awful.  My kid has like NO meat on his bones, still to this day, he's a scrawny kid all bones and skin, he has the thinnest thighs I've ever seen, and I had to poke him with a needle in the "flabby" (did I mention he has THIN THIGHS) once a day for 10 days after every chemo.  JUST to help kick start his immune system so he wouldn't contact a simple illness or infection and die from it.  Yep, the flu, could have killed him. 

I scoured my home with bleach before he started chemo.  From top to bottom.  EVERYTHING.  I had so many cleaning chemicals in my home it was RIDICULOUS (this coming from the mom who has always tried to use healthy non chemical cleaning supplies in her home).  I bleached EVERYTHING down super good before he went to chemo. 

I put notes on the front door telling people they couldn't come in, they had to CALL 24 hours in advance before coming to visit, and could not be sick for 4 days before they came to visit.  If they had any kind of cough, runny nose, fever, WHATEVER, they were not welcome to visit. 

We didn't leave our home.  My kids and I lived like prisoners in our home.  My husband went to work, paid bills, did the grocery shopping and stuff like that.  He would "disinfect" himself (take a shower, use hand sanitizer on his hands etc) before handling our kids after one of those shopping trips. 

It went ok, our son was only admitted to the hospital twice for fever spikes.  One fever spike turned out to be nothing more than his immune system finally kicking in, which was good. 

The other fever...was Christmas day. 

That one, ticked me off and most likely COULD have been prevented. 

My mother in law had come to visit. We had asked her if she had been vaccinated against the flu/pneumonia/H1N1 (another requirement to gain access to our home during our sons chemo).  She assured us she had. 

She assured us she wasn't sick. 

She lied. 

She WAS sick.  She had a fever.  She didn't tell us.  She held my son, she coughed on him too. (Which made me snap and took my son from her, who coughs on a baby?  Especially one with a compromised immune system?) 

We ended up making her go home. 

Unfortunately he still ended up sick anyway several days later.  He ended up with pneumonia, which my Mother in law had also had when she came to visit us, but she lied to us and said she was perfectly fine. (Oh yes she had been to the doctor and NEW she had pneumonia too when she came to visit, she flat out LIED to us because she didn't see what the big deal was because she was on medicine for it, so she didn't bother to mention any of it).  That's just the kind of person she is....

It was an awful Christmas.  He spent it in the hospital, admitted for a fever spike, and found out it was pneumonia, and he was in the hospital for four days on strong antibiotics, and came home on strong antibiotics. 

Thankfully he bounced back from all of that, but what if he hadn't? 

Now there is nothing saying he wouldn't have gotten sick still if my Mother in law HAD vaccinated herself, if she HAD NOT been sick at all.  He could have still gotten sick.  It is a possibility. 

However, she knowingly lied to people, and knowing exposed a child with a compromised immune system to illness, in his OWN HOME. 

So many people say "Well if you are so worried about your compromised immune system child getting sick, just keep them at home!"  Um. We do.  Thank yeh very much.  Soooo many families live like prisoners in their home just trying to keep their immune compromised child SAFE and alive.  They make their kids wear face masks when they DO need to go places, and sanitize shopping carts and tables like crazy when they go out (only to get odd looks from other families like "OMG look at that GERMAPHOBE"  oh people, you have NO idea the hell in which families with an immune compromised child live in!) 

They aren't paranoid. 

When a regular cold for YOU is just uncomfy and makes you a little whiney....a regular cold to an immune compromised individual could be DEADLY in just a matter of days. 

Please tell me we have no reason to be upset over people NOT vaccinating.  (Come up with a vaccine for the common frickin' cold and I'll be there!) 

I understand that parents don't think that the government should be able to FORCE them to shoot chemicals in to their child.  I GET THAT I really do.  Remember, my first child?  Whom I did delayed vaccinations with? 

I know that some kids are allergic to vaccinations and have complications, or die.  I would like to compare the #'s though on how many kids die as a result of vaccinations...compared to kids dying from illnesses (like the flu, cold, measles, mumps, etc) I really am interested in seeing those #'s compared.  Maybe the CDC has something, I don't know maybe I'll have to do some digging. 

It's a tough situation. 

On one hand you have people screaming at you that you are selfish and inconsiderate because you don't feel it's safe to vaccinate your child.  When you are simply doing what you feel is for the best interest of your child. 

On the other hand, you have parents who DO vaccinate their children who get told they are selfish and inconsiderate because how COULD YOU put those chemicals in to your child like that! Do you KNOW what is in those vaccinations?  WHY?!

On the OTHER hand....you have some pretty serious illnesses that while they aren't a "big deal" right now....they were once, not so many years ago, and they still are in other countries, and we should be THANKFUL that they aren't so scary in our country.  That doesn't make them a non issue though. 

Now I'm not saying your precious ray of sunshine that you choose to NOT vaccinate is the bad guy, I'm not saying that YOU are the bad guy.  Your happy beautiful ray of sunshine is more or less, as innocent and as happy, and healthy as my vaccinated children. 

They can play together all they want, I'm cool with that.  My kids are protected.  Yours aren't. 

If YOUR child comes into contact by some off chance...with a person that has the measles, then the chances are MUCH MUCH higher that YOUR child will get sick.  Now, no vaccine is 100% (hello, who here has gotten the flu shot and still ended up with the flu huh? Even though they say that's impossible).  There is always a chance that you can still get sick even after having the vaccination for something, it can happen.  NOT as likely, but it can happen. 

Now the thing with Measles is...you can be sick and not even KNOW it yet.  You might just think "eh it's allergies" and sneeze or cough through your day and think nothing of it.  (and we all know how sanitary kids are when they sneeze, cough, blow their nose etc).  So if you are walking through the store, air port, subway, library, down town...whatever.  And someone who has the measles (and doesn't know it yet) has coughed or whatever...and you go through that area or touch that stuff they contaminated....the germs are alive for two hours, do you know how many people can be infected in TWO HOURS?! Think how many of those people could be unvaccinated CHILDREN (as most adults are vaccinated, it's our children who will be affected the greatest by this, unless you had hippie parents or something back in the day or whatever, that were all "fight the man" like they are today, ya know)

I don't want your kid to get sick, I don't want your kid to die.  Just because our society is pretty advanced in medicine, that doesn't mean your unvaxxed child won't die from the measles.  I mean, come on, people die from the simple FLU every year, and not just the elderly or immune compromised some of these people are supposedly healthy individuals and children).  It's all about how your body handles an illness, and we never know how that will go until we GET sick. 

Why risk it? 

Are you worried about autism?  Is being autistic seriously the WORST thing in the world that can happen to our children?  Is being 'different' seriously the worst thing that can happen to our children?  If that's the case maybe you shouldn't have kids over 35 because I hear that increases your chances of having a child born with Down Syndrome (which BTW those kids are awesome and just as 'normal' as your 'normal' child.  They also can have compromised immune systems and a higher risk of getting childhood cancers). 

If I didn't vaccinate my kids, and we traveled to another country or had friends come in from another country and my kids were exposed to measles or something and my kid got sick, and I unknowingly got others sick ONTOP of that, my gosh, I'd feel so bad!!

We still travel to a children's hospital for check ups for my sons cancer, in fact he has cancer scans on Feb. 18th and 20th.  If he's too sick or running a fever we do NOT go.  Why?  Because there are immune compromised CHILDREN (and adults) in that hospital, not just in the Children's Oncology unit, but all over that hospital.  If I were to take him anyway, in all of his sickness, and he rode in the elevator that other patience ride in....and he say...coughed and got all of them all germy and they accessed other patience etc etc...that's no good.  I try to keep MY kids healthy so we can help keep everyone around us healthy too. 

Do I think kids going to public schools should be vaccinated (and none of that "personal beliefs" stuff to get out of it), YES you should be fully vaccinated to go to a public school unless your kid has LEGITIMATE allergies.  Kids spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week crammed together like sardines in those class rooms.  They cough, sneeze, and wipe snot everywhere.  They don't cover their mouths NEARLY as much as you might like to THINK they do.  Hand sanitizer only does so much.  Those disinfectant wipes you send to school every school year only go so far and so much as well. 

Kids are like a herd.  What one gets, they all get.  If we all stop vaccinating, and you have 25 NON vaccinated kids in a class room (and one happens to be immune compromised) and then another child comes in contact with say, measles (since it's the popular culprit right now), and comes to school not knowing they are sick....chances are nearly all 25 kids are going to get measles (now you may have the 1 MAYBE 2 kids that don't get it in that class....)  but most of them well.  Chances are, that immune compromised kid WILL get sick, and could possibly die. Take that same class, but have them be VACCINATED children with one immune compromised child.  Chances are, you just saved that kids life, or at least helped the parents breathe a little easier.

People who work with the elderly have to be vaccinated. 
My DOGS have to be  vaccinated or I get fined. 
I'm pretty sure teachers have to be vaccinated. 
Those who work closely with babies have to be vaccinated. (Whooping cough anyone? No thanks!)
I wish there was an easy answer.  I hate illnesses. 

I hate the fact my son has had to fight cancer, and his brother has had to deal with seizures as a toddler (which BTW when he would get sick his seizures would be a lot worse, because illnesses stressed out his immune system and caused his seizures to increase and be longer, which seizures are not good for a person!!)

My three kids are all fully caught up on their vaccinations and don't need anymore for quite some time.  However, my son that has fought cancer is still the first one to get sick, and the last one to get over it.  His immune system will most likely NEVER be up with everyone else's.  I will always worry about him getting sick.  I will always worry about his cancer coming back too.  If his cancer ever come back, I will worry even more about illnesses.  Nothing like fighting cancer and almost kicking it's butt just to get the flu or pneumonia from an unvaccinated family member who came to visit, and dying. 

I just pray everyone's children stay healthy.  Whether it be measles, mumps, cancer, seizures, WHATEVER it may be.  We all want our children to be healthy I think that is always the first and foremost on our lists as parents.

Just promise me one thing...if you have questions and concerns about vaccinations take it up with your pediatrician, not a bunch of moms on a mom site or mom blog or dad blog or whatever.  Go for the facts, not the hype.  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.  Ask for hand outs.  If you trust your child's doctor you should be able to trust the information they are giving you and you should be able to make decisions for your family.  Do not let your doctor make you feel stupid about it all.  Trust me, I know what it's like to have immunization questions.  I had those same questions in 2007 when my daughter was born and people were really talking about MMR and autism. 

Stay healthy. 

Mom Circus