Mommy Should Nots

If I read one more blog post or article telling me how to parent my children I think I am going to SCREAM! I mean, granted it's my fault for actually reading the stupid articles in the first place.  You'd by NOW after seven years of being a MOM that I would have learned NOT to read these blasted articles.  Yet, there I go again, reading another one. 

I think I read them just so I can sit there and shake my head going "what in the WORLD did I just read?!" 

So as a parent, lemme boil down the big "no no's" when it comes to parenting, let me tell you how you are doing it ALL WRONG, oh and yeh there is research to back it all up, you know...just Google it.  

Don't SPANK your children.  Like ever.  Do NOT do it.  Your children will turn out to be little serial killers hell bent on revenge because you damaged their psyche by swatting their covered rears.  So don't do it.  It's bad.  Very bad.  You'll be like an instant mom bad guy if you even slightly agree with spanking a child.  The hate will come out and you will be attacked by so many other moms (and dads) telling you how evil you are.  Doesn't matter if you just use an open palm to swat them on a covered toosh ONE swat.  You are only to hug your children, hug it out.  Tell them they are awesome for trying to run out in front of that car, and use reasoning with your two year old "Honey, what you did was unsafe.  I still think you are awesome and amazing but running in front of that car is not safe, let me explain to you safety precautions in this 12 step guide so you can get it right next time"  (At this point your toddler has probably completely tuned you out and is probably trying to run back into traffic just to escape you talking them to death). 

Speaking of toddlers.

Don't use safety harnesses, or leashes.  Even if you have 3 kids under 2 years of age.  Obviously you are supposed to put them in a stroller when going to the grocery store and then push a cart and a stroller.  Or some how sprout extra arms and make each and every child hold your hand (but don't hold their hand TOO tightly because that might be child abuse).  You had better teach your child to listen and stay right with you because by golly everyone ELSE'S children do it and they NEVER have any problems so obviously, YOU are doing it wrong.  So be aware. 

While you are at it, don't YELL at your children.  Nope.  Don't show any emotion other than JOY.  that's apparently the only emotion that exists, the only emotion we are allowed to show our children.  Do not yell.  It's pointless and a waste of energy (gee what Mother hasn't thought that on a daily basis)? Your child should only know joy because the other emotions are bad.  So joyful people don't' yell (unless it's a touch down, or a home run then it's ok to yell your lungs out, or if the ref makes a bad call), so don't yell at your kids.  You can be joyful and stern at the same time and your kids will listen (apparently mine are broken)?  Your children will be forever harmed by yelling and when they are all grown up and hear an adult yell they will automatically dive into the fetal position and suck their thumb.  Don't yell.  Just don't do it.  Again, talk to them.  Calmly speak, and pray they hear you over their shrieking, screaming, crying, giggly banter.  I'm sure that will for you, I mean talking calmly and hoping they hear me over their ruckus has yet to work for me, but hey I'm obviously doing SOMETHING wrong.

While you are NOT yelling at your children, also make sure you don't embarrass or humiliate them.  Remember, only joyful loving comments rule our ever loving parenting worlds.  Our children must NEVER EVER EVER feel disappointment, sadness, embarrassment, humiliation, or any form of apparently negative feelings.  You are harming them.  You must repress those feelings, and make your child's world bubble one of pure and utter happiness, joy, and positivity. They are always right, they are never wrong, they never do wrong (see that's why you don't need to yell at them, our children NEVER do anything wrong).  They must feel like the angels they so obviously are, they must never EVER fell guilt or feel badly about what they did.   Do not shame your children.  They should never have to apologize.  The world is an oyster and your child is ALWAYS the biggest, brightest most awesome and amazing PEARL that ever existed. 

We must repress their emotions and give in to every little whim they have to keep them happy because heaven forbid our children have a tantrum in public.  Oh gosh.  You are the worst parent ever if your child has a public tantrum.  Obviously you did something wrong.  You didn't give them what they wanted to keep them happy.  You aren't reading their mind to KNOW what is wrong.  How dare you go shopping for groceries at THIS time of day (which may be the ONLY chance you get to buy any kind of groceries and if you don't buy groceries NOW your child will have nothing but a slice of stale bread for supper at home, but hey, remember...your a bad parent anyway because everything you do is wrong, right)?

Don't breast feed your child in public.  Heaven for bid.  You will offend the chick standing their in line at Wal Mart with shorty shorts so tight you can clearly tell she isn't wearing ANY kind of under wear and you can see every "dimple" on her ass cheeks, even with the words "HOTTIE" written across her bum.  Wearing the strapless shirt that is so tight, and so SHORT  that it makes her muffin top look like a full on muffin bakery.  Her tata's are popping out all over the place and just because she lifts her shirt up to cover the 'ladies' it ain't really helping.  HEAVEN FORBID you discreetly nurse your child though.  You would NOT want to offend that woman at all.  Nope.  Especially while her child lays there in the car seat sat on top of the shopping cart with a bottle in it's mouth, propped up with a blanket while the mom makes no eye contact with her child as she texts on her cell phone.  (Hey don't say I'm judging, admit it you've seen this EXACT scenario at some point in time too, you know it exists, I'm just speaking the truth on that one). 

Speaking of judging.  Don't judge other moms either.  That's wrong too, unless you are the PERFECT PARENT, the SUPREME ONE.  The "non spanking, non yelling, breast feeding, baby wearing, car seat Nazi, baby food making, organic only, gluten free diet, no food coloring, silky (if you don't know what silky, or crunchy parenting is, or scrunchy....Google it...), attachment parenting, college degree (Ph.D.) in best mom ever, no fast food, living in a mansion, with money falling out the ying yang, stay at home mom (or ultimate working mom who still does everything like a BOSS), anti vaccination, anti circumcision, pro feminism (which isn't really a BAD thing but there are some who take that to an EXTREME), ultimate soccer mom, Pinterest Queen, home schooling, Bible thumping, and do it all MOM"  You can also be several other variations of that stuff as well, but from what I've seen, most of the "PERFECT" moms, the ONLY moms who have a right to judge others, generally fall into this category somewhere. 

If you aren't "that mom" you can't judge.  Anyone.  Not even an episode of "Dancing with the Stars". 

Well, I'm sure you can tell that's a pile of dirty laundry, but there is a cat camouflaged in that pile of laundry.  The reason that pile of laundry is still not fully washed?  I would just *hate* to take away Hagrid the cats favorite napping spot.

Oh also, don't even think about drinking as a mom.  Unless you are drinking top quality wine at the end of the day.  Don't be a fun mom, don't have tattoos as a mom, don't have a C Section because if you do....YOU are NOT a mom at all, you are a slacker who took the 'easy' way out when it came to having kids.  Obviously you didn't go in like a BOSS and push that kid out, so you did it WRONG.  Don't be a fat mom either.  You are automatically at wrong, and setting a bad and unhealthy example for your child.  You are heavy, so by default your child will be too, and by default you obviously don't love your enough, and by default don't care what they eat and don't spend enough time with your child so they MUST be depressed children, because YOU are obviously depressed. 

Speaking of depression.  How dare you be a mom battling depression.  Shouldn't your little rays of sunshine be the ULTIMATE anti depression drug?  Your job as a MOM is all consuming and the ONLY thing that matters and should always make you happy and fulfilled, no need to be depressed, so again, you are lazy and doing something wrong, because that's all depression is after all, is laziness. Your excuse to get out of doing house work.  Duh. 

Also don't ever leave your children alone, not even for a second.  Do not pee alone, do not sleep, you must always always always have your children glued to your thighs at all times.  If anything happens and your eye balls were not GLUED to your child, you are to blame.  While you are constantly glued to your child (of all ages, it doesn't matter what age your kid is you must be glued to them), you better keep your house spotless too. Top to bottom clean too. 

8 years of marriage, and 13 years of being together. 

Speaking of fulfillment, are you keeping your husband sexually fulfilled?  If not, you are slacking AGAIN.  No matter what you have going on, when your husband says  "sex me up" you better hope right on that and get to it.  After all, that's what the parenting advice says.  That will keep your marriage alive and well, because your husband is satisfied.  If he's happy, your happy, right? 

Don't forget that now they are telling us how our orgasms should feel (yeh yeh I read an article on that too, don't ask me why, I just did ok? So not to be all TMI go hunt down the article yourself).  Tell you that there is NO such thing as a vaginal orgasm.  Bam. 

The NON mom blogs but still a female blog that tells you why she wanted to cheat on her husband after only 2 young years of marriage, and how guilty she felt, and blah blah blah.  So it's apparently ok to WANT to cheat, just don't do it, and be sure to tell your spouse.  Or repress your feelings once again, whatever works.

The crafty, organized, got it together, full of great ideas and recipes places.  Yeh.  You know what I'm talking about. Pinterest, or other mom blogs.  The ones that make us want to pull out our hair because "duh, why didn't WE think of that?" and "Why can't I get my shit together?"  "I HAVE to do this stuff because it makes me feel like I'm accomplished and a good mom, and if I don't make these adorable pretzel and chocolate creations my children will hate me and I will be a failure as a mom". 

Crafty stuff I saw, and re-created from Pinterest.  Guilty.  As.  Charged. 

Don't forget having a blog to begin with.  How many mom blogs ARE there out there?  HOW MANY?! I've been blogging since way before I ever became a mom, I started blogging when people were just starting to hear of the word blog and it was just barely starting to be main stream.  Before that, I called it "writing in a journal in my bedroom". 

No pressure or anything moms.  No pressure AT.  ALL.  You surely can do all of this right?  Just remember, don't yell at your kids, don't spank, OH and time outs are bad now too.  It isn't good to "alienate" your child at all, it pushes them away and makes them feel unloved.  You are literally ONLY supposed to talk calmly and sweetly to your child at all times.  Reminding them of how the world owes them everything, and they are ALWAYS A WINNER NEVER EVER A LOSER, they don't need to try that hard because they are always a winner and always deserve an award.  If you don't win, demand a do over, throw a fit, hit the news channels with your woes of injustice.  Scream intolerance because your very precious child didn't win an award at school or whatever. 

You better give your child the WORLD, the stars, the universe, the galaxy because that is what parents do.  Obviously it is the ONLY way they will be happy. 

Sounds all easy enough right  guys?  Uh, sorry ladies, uh sorry....parents? With all this feminism and political correctness going around out there, let's just call you all 'Purple Penguins' like Nebraska has started doing.  You know, gender equality and all, sorry gender neutral-ness.

Don't forget Ebola, and that Enterovirus.  They will kill us all.  You are doing it all wrong keeping your kids safe from disease.  Make sure you use soap and water, hand sanitizer doesn't really help just FYI. 

No wonder parents complain of being exhausted by the end of the day.  We're just trying to keep up.  No wonder we need gazillion gallons of coffee first thing of a morning and agree we just need a coffee IV placed.  No wonder there are so many "mom wars" going on.  It's ridiculous.  We're all right, just to be doing everything so wrong.

I am not a perfect person.  I am not a perfect mom.  I don't want to be, it's too exhausting.  I am the only mom my children have and I'm doing the very best that I personally can in each and every moment of my day with them.  If that means I've yelled at them a few times during the day to get them to HEAR ME and actually LISTEN for one blasted second and just chill so I don't completely and utterly lose my shit, then I guess that makes me a horrible mom.  If I've swatted my child on the rear for doing something so inexplicably dangerous and stupid, well then I guess that makes me a bad mom too.  I've breast fed, I've formula fed, I've done about everything a mom can do. Cloth diapered, disposable diapers (guess what they all catch the poo).  I've wiped their butts, wiped their noses, kissed their boo boo's, rocked them to sleep, sang to them, cuddled them, sang ABC's with them taught them to ride bikes and tie shoes.  Cried and prayed over them while they were sick.  Have done my best to make yummy and nutritious meals they will eat that will help them grow, I let them spread their wings a little and get some independence. However, I'm always here for them when they fall or need me for reassurance.  I love my husband with all my heart but yes there are days I'd love to knock him silly and that goes both ways I am sure! However, at the end of the day, we're both very much in love with each other and he is a great Daddy to his kids and I still love watching him play with the kids and be a father, it makes my ovaries ache just a little watching him be a good Daddy. 

My daughter happy and care free, sitting in the rain waiting for the Homecoming Parade to start this past Friday.  We volunteer our time to help out when we can at the local animal shelter.  We enjoyed helping with the shelter float.  Yep, that's my dog Molly there too.  Yes she's wearing a muzzle other wise she will bark and be super hyper the entire parade.

Teaching your children compassion and love is a full time job.  Even if you aren't a perfect parent, you can still teach your children to care about others, to help something or someone else that can't help it's self, which is why our whole family pitches in to help dogs in need.

I hope and pray that my little boys will grow up to be great men.  Treat the wives amazing, pitch in with house work and cooking, be amazing fathers, and work hard, and have a strong faith in God and love their Country.

Their innocence and energy, their love and beauty, the way they approach the world, is a beautiful sight.  I love watching my children grow.

And well, my daughter being cute, snuggling with the cat on the couch.

I don't have to agree with everything out there.  I don't have to like it, and I don't have to implement it into my life.  I just will do what works best for my family, and if I feel something isn't working, I'll get out there and FIND something that DOES work for my family. Whether we realize it or not, we read things like I talked about EVERY single day.  Granted, what I posted was full of satire and sarcasm, but we really do read articles or at least....article titles...like  that stuff all the time. 

I'm just tired of living in the "Mommy Should Nots". 

Mom Circus