My Head is Reeling, My Heart is Broken, My World is Spinning

I woke up this morning, like I do any other Friday.  My sons were awake and were asking for breakfast, so I knew it was time to get up.  Kams was still sleeping as she has been fighting the ickies that have been going around.  I fed my sons, woke up my husband and I prepared to leave the house like I do every Friday morning to head to the local animal shelter where I photograph the new dogs to help them find Fur Ever homes. 

My only worry at the time?  Was if my daughter's fever would stay gone while I was at the animal shelter, and if my sons would try to kill each other while I was gone.  They don't have preschool on Friday's which today, I am so happy for.

My Mother had called while I was gone, and when I got home I called her back.  The first words out of her mouth were "So you haven't heard what happened today?"  By her tone, I KNEW it wasn't something good.

I told her to continue, and she proceeded to tell me what had happened.  She wasn't even done talking and I was crying my eyes out. I couldn't talk.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think. My earlier worries of the morning, seemed soooo small. 

I don't have cable, which I'm also thankful for now. 

So I got online while my husband kept the kids busy and I looked up the news on CNN to see what was going on.  Every news channel was saying different things.

I couldn't listen to the numbers.  All I heard, all that rang in my head was that children, babies...were murdered while they were at school.  Children, MY DAUGHTERS AGE.  Were violenty WRENCHED from this earth by a MONSTER. 

I have not cried so hard in quite a long time. 

I don't care that this happened states away from where I live.  Because it could happen ANYWHERE!! It could just as easily be MY daughters school as it could be YOUR child's school.  It could be any school, anywhere, at any time.

I instantly thought back to April 19th 1995 to the Oklahoma City Bombings.  I knew what my Mother had been feeling then! She had been in the hosptial pregnant with my sister on hosptial bed rest for preclampsia, while I was home with my Grandmother.  When the Oklahoma City Bombings happened my Mother was TERRIFIED that someone would start bombing schools (granted I grew up in a small small country town but her fear was still there, and valid, it can happen!)  She was also afraid someone could start bombing hospitals, and she was at a well known hospital, so she was worried about that too, and I don't blame her.  At the time I was 10 and a half, so while I remember seeing the images, and hearing what was going on, and know a bad person did this and it was horrible, it didn't dawn on me that my safety could be at stake, or my other people's safety. 

April 20th, 1999, I was in 9th grade when the shootings in Columbine, CO took place.  I was 14 and a half years old when this happened.  The boys that did that, were my age.  THAT scared me.  Up until that point, I had NEVER EVER considered someone could hurt me at school (well other than I guess if you got caught fighting after school or something or picked on by bullies but to me that wasn't a big deal).  I didn't realize someone could so brazingly walk into a SCHOOL and just shoot people.  I never dreamed of that happening.  I felt totally and completely SAFE at my school. 

When Columbine happened, it made me completely re-evaluate that.  I remember talking to my Mother a little about it.  But for the most part, kept my fears to myself.  (I was good at that growing up I never wanted anyone to know I was afraid of anything, to me fear was weakness)  I wasn't weak.

But I was afraid. 

In 2001 when 9/11 happened I was a Junior, it was right before my 17th birthday (almost exactly a month before).  My eyes were opened to a WHOLE new horror.  Again, I feared for the safety of myself, and everyone in my country.  Then we were suddenly, at war. 

October 31st, 2011 our small school had it's first bomb threat.  Another terrifying moment.  Thankfullky, it was nothing (still not sure if they ever found out who did that? There was so much speculation going around at the time)  But I know it scared me! My little sister was only 6 years old when it happened and in the first grade.

April 16th, 2007, Virgina Tech shootings.  I had only been married for 6 months, and was 20 weeks pregnant with my daughter.  After those shootings happened, I was scared to death to go to college.  That was actually my last semester at college was that spring, and I wonder honestly, if that didn't have something slightly to do with why I didn't return in the fall, something a bit more than having my daughter.  The fear.  Granted, again...I was no where near the shooting.  That was in Virginia, and I live in Missouri.  It doesn't matter though, it might as well have happened right at my door step.  It COULD be your door step, it can happen ANYWHERE. 

So today, all of these feelings came flooding back to me, ontop of new ones.

I'm a MOMMY now, I have a daughter who is 5 years old and will be kindergarten next year, and she has friends right now who ARE in kindergarten and first grade.  So this fierce Mommy grief/anger/disbelief/sadness over whelmed me.  I have spent my day crying at the drop of a hat and giving my kids TONS of hugs and kisses that have left my poor sons going "MOM no more hugs! GET OFF ME!"  Poor boys.  They don't understand, and I don't want them to EVER understand. 

The moment I heard about the shootings in CT, and I listened to the news, all of these scenarios played out in my mind like twisted visions.  If that was my children...what would I do?  Most of the time I saw me turning into something akin to the Incredible Hulk, mixed with Rambo, mashed with a Grizzly Bear, swirled with a Tiger.  Ripping the school to shreds to find the evil that even dare THINK about harming MY Children or any other child for that matter, and just RIPPING  that evil apart piece by piece and saving my children. 

In reality? 

I don't think I'd be doing that. 

I'd be hysterical.  My knees would buckle and  turn to jello.  I would sob, I would scream.  I would RUN to my children as FAST AS I COULD while praying to God that my children were safe, alive, unharmed and had not witnessed anything too horrific, while praying to God that all of the children were alive and well too, and everyone involved. 

I cannot imagine being the parents at that school in CT right now.  So many emotions flooding through them.  Overjoyed that their child is alive.  Thankful that it wasn't their child taken.  Guilty for being so over joyed and thankful that their child was spared while another was taken.  Anger for this happening, sadness for the loss of life, worry about the future, pain, fear, and every emotion in between has to be flooding through them right now.  Relief to have their children in their arms.  Curiosity wanting to know WHY this happened, disgust that it happened. 

How do you process that?  Where do you even BEGIN to sift through those emotions?  Not just for yourself either, but also for your child. 

You know that there are families who had more than one child in that elementary.  There has to be atleast 1 family who lost one child while their other survived.  I'm sure there are more. 

What about the Principal? She was raising 5 children from what I read, and now they are motherless. The school counselor was killed as well. 

Can you imagine being that mom that made the 911 phone call?  That was in a meeting with the principal and counselor when all of this went down?  How she HID under her desk.  Were her children at school that day?  Are they ok? Can you imagine sitting IN your child's schoo when something like this happens, the principal leaves...you hear the shots...and the principal never returns?  How badly you must want to get to YOUR CHILDREN but you know if you go out there, you will die.  So you hide, you call 911.  You try to stay quiet.  Keep calm. 

I'm not so sure I could have done what she did.  I probably would have been making the not so smart decision to run out of the room to get to my children, and been shot too.

The things those children must have seen, and heard.  They may not realize what they have seen and heard NOW, but in the days, weeks, months, YEARS to come....it will be there.  They are going to have long term affects from this.  Especially those most tiny ones that were shot...and their classmates watched, and they survived while others died.  That's going to traumatize them, for ever.

Being told to leave the school with their eyes shut...when have you ever known of a child to really REALLY keep their eyes shut the entire time?  I'm sure atleast a couple children peeked, if for anything the fear that they might trip over something or need to hide because it might not "be over" and what they may have seen....the blood.  The bodies...

It makes me nauceous thinking about it. 

I don't even WANT to think about my children being in that situation. 

My daughter over heard me talking to my husband about this today.  I don't hide stuff from my children, but I do try to choose carefully what I say infront of them, and how much I divulge to them. I was emotional, and crying (and yeh...probably yelled, or squaked) a time or two.  So I KNOW She knew something was up.  Mommy doesn't cry unless something BAD happens.

So she heard something I over said to my husband and she looked at me with the saddest face and said in the saddest little voice "They died?"  I just held her, and snuggled with her on the couch and we talked about other things for awhile.

Tonight while putting the kids to bed, we talked.  I wanted them to know what had happened, but on my terms, in words they could understand, and still feel safe.  They are going to hear about this, it's going to be the talk for quite awhile. 

I settled the children down and told them that a long way from our town, that a bad bad man had went into a school and had done something very bad.  He shot people with a gun, which is bad.  Several small children about their age, died.  Their Mommy's and Daddy's are sad, and people all over the world are sad.  But the bad man was stopped and he can't hurt anyone else, and that "helpers" saved kids from the school and kept them safe, and that TEACHERS protected all the kids that they could protect and kept them safe.  That's what teachers do, they don't just teach you, they help keep you safe.  Kamilah asked if the man was going to shoot her school.  I told her that NO that man, that bad bad man was NOT going to shoot at HER school.  But dangers are out there in the world, and she needs to always listen to her teacher and the "helpers" (we went over who the helpers are, police officers, fire fighters, ambulance crews, that those people are there to help and they are to go to those people)  That listening to their teachers can help keep them safe in times of danger, just like listening to Mommy and Daddy can keep you safe too.  I explained that guns are very very dangerous if used in correctly, and should NEVER be used when you are angry.  (I always explain the do's and don'ts of guns because Marshall is a gun lover, I think he has a future in either hunting or the military when he's older).  So I always always always stress gun safety.  (Growing up guns were a HUGE NO NO in my home because my father shot himself when I was a toddler, so my Mother has an EXTREME aversion to guns. I do NOT share her sentiments on guns, but I DO think they need to be used responsibly.)  

Now since all this happened today there are all of these anti gun things going around.  A gun has NEVER stood up on it's own and decided "Hmmm I feel like killing someone today I think I'll start here"  No.  A GUN is just an object.  A potenially dangerous one, if used wrong.  It is the PERSON BEHIND THE GUN that is dangerous.  THEY are the ones that make the concious decision on where they will POINT that gun, and when they will pull that trigger.  The gun does not make those choices. 

The guns used today, were legal.  They belonged to the shooters MOM.  

I do not think anyone is ever going to understand the "why" of this.  It just makes me sick. 

Those families that have lost a child...those children have lost their lives.  They will neve have any more first days of school, no more school pictures, no more loose teeth, no more games on the play ground. These children will have no more riding their bikes, getting snuggles and hugs and kisses from their parents.  Everything has been yanked away from them, and no one understands why.

What's worse...is this sick, evil, vile, disgusting, MONSTER had the AUDACITY to shoot HIMSELF (well I guess they are still trying to figure out if a police officer shot him or if he shot himself)  But chances are he shot himself.  Where is the justice in that?  WHERE!?

There will be no trial.  There will be no sentencing.  Atleast, not on this earth.  This monster will get the ULTIMATE judging, from God.  I'm guessing there is a special place in hell for people who kill children. 

I'm trying not to be angry, but it's hard.  Very hard.  I AM angry.  I know I shouldn't HATE this SOB who killed these children, because hating is wrong...but I can't help it.  I hate him.  He took the lives of innocent children, that's not something you take lightly. 

I want to cry, I want to scream WHY!!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!!!!

I should not have had to explain to my children that a bad bad man killed children.  I shouldn't have to answer questions like "is he going to shoot me at my school?"  Because honestly...I can't say 100% that some sicko monster WON'T try this same kind of thing at my kids school.  I don't know.  I pray to GOD it never will.  That my babies will be kept safe while they are in school, but what about in college?  What about at the mall?  What about at the movie theater?  What about walking down the street?  What about when they get jobs?  What about at Church? What about in their own HOMES?  It feels like there are NO safe places anymore.  People are invading our spaces daily with violent intentions. With the intent to kill and hurt. 

Because THEY are angry.  Because THEY are hurt. 

What kind of a society are we raising?  What have we done to fail these monsters?  How did we let this happen?  Something went horribly wrong, somewhere that has led our country to where it is now.  There are sooo many things  that I can personally see that are "wrong".  People caring more about themselves than others, the "I" factor as I like to call it.  People caring more about money money money and lots of it, rather than thinking about how important family is.  People putting STUFF before family.  People not putting GOD first, where is the Faith?  Where is the LOVE? Where is the FAMILY?

My head is swimming with all kinds of emotions and thoughts.  So many things I wish to express, and I can't.  There is just no words that can express how I feel at the moment.  The closest I can get, is broken.  I feel broken and hollow and shattered right now.  Numb.  I've cried all I think I can cry today. 

I just think back to all those parents that rushed to the safe area of the school to pick up their children....they showed all these parents reunited with their children, the look of incredible relief, tears of JOY on the parents faces as they saw their children, the sadness and fear on the children's faces and then their looks of recognition as they saw their parents were there for them, the relief in their eyes. 

Can you imagine being the parents...who do not see your child come running to you?  Or only one of your children come running to you? I cannot even begin to picture this.  The heartache the knot in their stomach, the feeling that their stomach just hit the floor...knowing...they would never see their child alive again.  Crushing. Devastating.  Soul destroying.

Having children now...and a daughter the same age as some who were killed....my heart aches for the families that lost children.  As a mom, I reach out to these families.  If I could tell them anything, it would be I love you, and I'm praying for you, and I'm sorry this happened to your family.  It wouldn't matter though.  Those words...will never repair what has been done, what these families are going through.  Lives are ruined.  Forever. 

Please pray for the community of Newtown, CT and for all of those at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  Please pray for the shooters family as well, and for the police, and first responders who were on the scene today. 

I'm scared for Monday to get here.  I don't want to send my children to school.  I want to keep them at home in the safety cocoon of my arms.  Home schooling keeps sounding better and better with every passing day.... 

If anyone ever dares call me a helicopter Mother, I might just punch them in the face and tell them to wake the hell up and watch the freaking news and get with reality.  We aren't living in the 1950's anymore.  The world is going down the CRAPPER and, damn it I will do my best to make sure my kids live to adult hood and get to have families of their own! If that means I'm hovering and whirling around them 24/7 protecting them from dangers...then so be it.  I'd rather keep them safe than just throw them to the wolves and tell them to fend for themselves.  I always hear people talk about "free range parenting" you want to free range parent, go buy some damn chickens. 

Emotions are running so high for everyone to night, the loss of children is always horrible, and to lose children like this is beyond devastating.  Even the President was choked up about it, especially considering he has 2 little girls himself.  It's a parents absolute worst nightmare. 

God Bless and watch over that community, help heal and mend hearts. 

Mae