I'm sorry, but I've spent the last 28 and half years (give or take that's just quick math) growing up without a father (though I've had a stepfather since I was 14, I was never in the market for a "new" dad).
I have ZERO memories of my biological father. All I know is what I was told by my Mother.
He was in the military.
He was a drunk.
He slept around.
He beat my Mother.
He tried to kill himself 2 other times, but only the 3rd time was successful.
Not the best ways to describe a child's father. They are true words though.
He was encouraged to get help, he was shown the way. No one could have forced him, it was a decision HE had to make on his own. A leap of faith he needed to take, but didn't. This back in the middle of the 80's, where I'm sure much was NOT known about depression and suicide.
My father's drinking had been awful, he had been hitting my Mother more, during one such "argument" he picked me up and plopped me on the couch, it set my Mother off and that was that. He had put his hands on me, when he was in a blind rage, and that was the final straw. She packed her and I up and we left to go live with her brother for awhile in another small town. Like 2 weeks later she found out he had shot himself. I was 18 years old when I finally got my hands on a copy of the very long hand written suicide note, and the recorded tape he left (my fathers Mother had those for as long as I can remember and it was only through an uncle that I got copies of them FINALLY). I've never been able to listen to the cassette tape, but I have read the multiple page note.
He knew what he was doing. He knew that THIS TIME it would be permanent. In the note he begged for my Mother and I to come visit, I fully believe that had my Mother shown up he would have taken her and me right along with him. I'm GLAD my Mother did NOT bring me to visit him during this time. I fully believe that she saved our lives.
After my dad passed, I was not allowed to attend the funeral. My Mother feared for my safety due to harsh back lash from my dads hurting family. Granted, I was only a little over a year old, wouldn't have remembered any of it anyway, but still, I've always wished she would have allowed me to attend the funeral, but I understand her reasoning.
One of my dad's brothers continually threatened to shoot my Mother. My Grandmother threatened to have me taken away from my Mother. They blamed her for my Father's death.
Years later after FINALLY reconnecting with my dads side of the family (at a funeral for my great grandfather whom I did not remember but wish I had gotten the chance to know). A lot of that hate and resentment was still there towards my Mother, even if it was bottled up.
My Mother struggled with depression for YEARS upon my father's suicide. It was not a great experience growing up.
Your Mother being afraid that your father's family is going to continue to cause trouble for you. Threats of having her daughter taken away, threats of being killed. She bought a home in a small "safe" town and we stayed there for 17 years of my life.
Found out later though, that my dads family had still been sort of able to keep tabs on me. The great Grandmother that my Mother had kept in touch with, as well as the Grandfather she had kept in touch with had no qualms about sharing that information with that side of the family. Slight betrayal of trust? Or family doing the right thing to still be a part of my life? It's hard to say honestly.
Growing up I had these thoughts that my dads side of the family (save for a few select members of the family) were these big scary monsters with sharp teeth waiting to eat me or kill me. My Mother didn't just tell me bad stuff about my dad and that side of the family. SHE DID tell me the good things too. Unfortunately...from her perspective I think most of the time there were more bad times than good.
It's kind of a catch 22 situation.
She was in a relationship with someone who was physically abusive who also abused alcohol. MOST people would not be sympathetic and would say "Well, you knew what he was like, you married him" Things aren't ALWAYS what they seem when a person gets married. Physical violence isn't always as "easy" to get away from as one might think. The abuser usually finds a way to cut the victim off from family so it is difficult for them to find a way "out" of the relationship. Back in the mid 80's there weren't many (if any) abuse shelters in the area we lived in for women who were in that situation. It wasn't talked about, and honestly in MY opinion it was still in that taboo "slightly acceptable she must have asked for it or deserved it" mentality. Which, just like rape, there is never a reason to abuse someone. No one "asks" to be raped, just like no one "asks" to be physically abused.
So when my Mother got the chance to pack up and leave, it's a shame it took her so long and that my father putting hands on me in the heat of an "argument" was her final "that's it" decision, but that's what it took. She left. Finally.
My Father was then left with just himself. To battle his own demons, whatever they were.
He didn't have my Mother there to take them out on. He didn't have me there to distract him from them by playing the good dad. He had to face down his demon on his own.
He wouldn't have had to do it alone, but he continually turned down help from those that offered, from those that cared.
In the end he took his own life because he couldn't handle whatever it was that was hurting him so much. That is unfortunate, it is very sad. It tore apart our family.
I struggled so much in early childhood because of it. I knew I didn't have a father very early on, I didn't understand why all my friends did, and I did not. Why my cousins had a mom and dad, and I did not.
I would pick up bits and pieces of conversation from my aunts and uncles (on my mother's side). Hurtful things. Things that made me feel like I was not wanted in the family and like my Mother wasn't either. Like they only "felt sorry" for me and put more blame on my Mother for every single situation of her life. I remember one time I was about 3 or 4 and my aunt was babysitting me for a couple of hours or so. I had *thought* we were having a good time. When my Mother picked me up my aunt looks at me and then at my Mother and says "She looks just like her father, and I couldn't STAND him" That. Hurt. So. Much. I was being compared to a man I did not know, but I realized there was something "bad" about that. That there MUST be something wrong with me. I must be bad too. So I then spent the rest of my childhood trying to prove I was GOOD, but generally being made to feel like I was always BAD (even by my own Mother), who I don't think INTENDED for that to happen, but it's the way I felt. Needless to say...it called for a rough childhood.
Now I'm not making excuses for my Mother. It takes 2 in a relationship. I don't know what went on when I was a baby, because I was well, a baby. I have ZERO memories of their fighting. I only have what I was told, and how much truth there is to every story, one never really knows.
SO pardon me if I have a bitter representation of suicide.
I think those that have attempted suicide and failed, NEED to know what their actions do to their family. That it isn't just "fixing" all of their problems. It creates a million more. You think that person feels guilty if they read something like this? I'm sure they do! HOWEVER, if they were to kill themselves, imagine the GUILT that EVERY SINGLE family member of every age would have to feel if that person succeeded in killing themselves?
Thankfully my Mother raised me that NOTHING or NO ONE is worth killing yourself over. I know it isn't just as "easy" as that for some, because yes I do believe depression is a real thing, and mental illness is a real thing. I do believe that they can't see any other way out of their pain. However, they also push away those that are trying to help, those that genuinely care. What can you do?
You simply cannot FORCE someone to "get better" to turn it around.
How can you be there for someone if you feel like your life is in danger too?
Now days they can put you in a hospital lock up for like what 72 hours? I don't think they could do that back in the 80's. Maybe some jail time if things got bad enough, but probably only 24 hours.
Just a day after my twin sons were born in 2009 I found out an uncle (one of my dads brothers), had also taken his life. He knew about his twin great nephews being born, and then the next thing we know...he was no longer with us. I don't know everything that went on there, I just know that one of my uncles I had JUST gotten to know over the past few years left us. He was at my wedding with another one of my dads brothers, and my dads mom, I will be forever thankful that he was at my wedding in 2006. It meant a lot that since my biological father couldn't be at my wedding, that at least two of my uncles could be.
I can't speak for the situations of others or how THEY feel about suicide. If YOU don't think it's selfish that's fine. I'm not going to try and change your opinion. It's your opinion you are welcome to have it. I only ask that you don't bash me for my opinion. We all walk a different life and live different variations of every situation, even if our situations were similar. Your experience with suicide will differ from mine and vice versa.
That gun did not stand up and shoot my dad on it's own. HE picked it up. HE pulled the trigger. HE took his own life. NO one else did that but him.
He made that choice to not see his daughter grow up. He made that choice to remove himself from the world. For a father that claimed to love his daughter so much, he had a funny way of showing it. It may have solved "his" problems, but created a whole slew of others for everyone else.
When word got out that my Father had killed himself when I was a baby...oh the relentless teasing I received. I was the "girl without a dad" the girl whose "Dad killed himself". The cruelest comment I heard from a class mate was in 5th grade when a boy who was always a jerk to me anyway said "I know why your dad killed himself, he took one look at you, and saw how ugly you were, and shot himself"
I've put up with a lot of CRAP. That crap only makes me stronger, not weaker. I refuse to make the same mistakes my father made.
When my children were toddlers I went through a REALLY rough time. I was already upset because we had just come out of Keegan's cancer. However they were all the same age (or close to it) that I was when my father killed himself and left our family. I had this HORRIBLE fear that my husband would leave us. That he'd just be gone. I was terrified. I cried, and I was difficult to be with I'm sure! It was a hard time. My husband understood my fears and hugged me through it, stood by my side and said he loved me, and he wasn't leaving unless God dragged him off this earth, but he wasn't leaving by his own choice. The fear stuck around for a few months longer, but eased up and I moved on. I am no longer afraid my husband will "leave us". We've already been through so much and through it all he ALWAYS has my back and I ALWAYS have his back. Through our tears, fears, anger, frustration, happiness, joy, sorrow we got this. We have each other, and we have God.
My Grandma raised 3 kids on her own, my Mother raised my sister and I on her own (until I was 14 and my little sister was 4 when she married our stepfather). There were brief other guys in there, like my sisters dad, but no one that would ever be a "father" to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my stepfather and he is still "pawpaw" to my kids even though my Mother and stepfather divorced back in 2005. My daughter is a total Pawpaws girl and he absolutely loves that girlie and she firmly has her pawpaw wrapped around her little finger. Still doesn't stop me from wishing she could have known her REAL Pawpaw. However, at the same time...with all of the alcohol issues and history of violence....would I REALLY have wanted her to meet him? Is she really better off not knowing him? The Pawpaw she has now, wouldn't hurt a fly. People can change, so would he have still been the same person he was back then, if he were alive now?
I was probably wrong, but I was always of the mind frame that I HAD a Father and he apparently didn't want that title, so whatevs. I'm better off without one, and I am not looking to fill that position. Not going to lie when I say I was usually the reason my Mother's boyfriends didn't stick around. It was wrong, I know that, but I was hurting. One of my uncles (on my Mother's side) I guess in his own way tried to fill that spot, but it always came off as him hating my freaking guts. Never a nice word out of that mans mouth, especially regarding me. The ONE compliment I got from him was when I was pregnant with my daughter and they came to visit for my baby shower. Shocked the heck out of me.
When my stepdad came around I was 14 (almost 15), and I knew I would be moving away soon and figured my Mother shouldn't have to live alone, and my little sister needed a father figure. So I didn't chase him away, I let him stay. Even though they are divorced they are still friends today and talk quite often on the phone. My stepdad fights depression, and I remember ONE argument they had when I was 16, when my stepdad was threatening to kill himself. My Mother looked him square in the eye and said something to the lines of "fine, if you are going to do it, do it, because if you are really going to do it nothing I say is going to change your mind anyway, I've already been down this road once and you won't make me feel guilty about it the second time around". My stepdad stopped in mid thought, and realized that was that. He didn't do it. As far as I know, he never threatened to do it again. He realized, some lines, should not be crossed and he had just crossed one.
I only even bother typing this because March marked the anniversary of my Father's death. Plus, I may have accidentally pissed off a lot of people on a suicide page. To be fair, I didn't mean to make them mad. I read an article, and in my foggy brained allergy head I didn't read where the article was FROM before I commented. So had I realized it was a comment that would be left ON the suicide page, I wouldn't have said what I said, or anything at all. It's a page I follow anyway, but one that never shows up in my news feed as I never like or comment on anything I just read and move on. Well, of course an article from them would randomly decide to land in my newsfeed and stupid me would comment MY personal opinion in the comments area of the article. To any suicide survivors (that being their family AND those that attempted suicide and survived) I apologize for hurting anyone's feelings, but guess what? You are going to come across opposing view points all the time, and they will often be things that are near and dear and quite personal to you. Suicide is one of those things that REALLY gets people in their feelings. They have either thought about killing themselves, or have a family member or friend that has tried or succeeded at suicide. When these people speak...they speak for THEMSELVES not for you. Just because I speak MY opinions on MY situation doesn't mean I'm degrading you. I don't know you or your situation or how you feel about it. I'm not out to get you. I'm not out to hurt you. I'm just simply sharing MY experiences, MY feelings with what I have been through and experienced due to the suicide that has been a part of my life.
When my sons were born, we wanted to pass on family names as middle names. Keegan got his Daddy's middle name, but it is also his Dad's dads middle name, and the name of my uncle who passed away as a baby. Marshall got the middle name of my dad. I was hit with a LOT of back lash over that one from my Mother's side of the family. "Don't give him that name, it's a bad name, he'll have to 'live up' to that name or 'live it down' it's just an awful name to be 'stuck' with for the rest of his life". Do you know how many children are named after my father on my dads side of the family? AT LEAST 3 children (younger than me, that have ZERO memory or any 'connection' to my dad other than their parents memories of him (as they were all older than I was when my dad died). There is a cousin with a female version of my dads name, and two cousins sharing the middle name. They are all turning out to be wonderful people, and I have NO DOUBT in my mind that MY OWN SON will turn out to be just as wonderful. I do not feel he needs to "live down" or "live up to" anything regarding his name. I do not regret for one second passing on my biological father's middle name to my oldest son. Marshall Dean is a good strong name, it went perfectly together just like Keegan Ray.
In my life 4 people that I have known and cared about have killed themselves. 2 were family members. 3 of them were people I remember very well and miss very much. They all had different situations, different stories. They all left behind people who loved and cared about them and would have done whatever they could to help. They all left behind young children.
One gentleman my husband and I had known and cared about for a long time, he was among the first friends we made when we moved to this town. I had just seen him a few weeks prior when I was at the store. Unfortunately I was in a hurry because I was running errands for a friend and she was in a hurry, so I had to hurry, and when this gentleman saw me at the store he wanted to talk, and I wanted to talk to him, but at that moment...I couldn't stay any longer. I visited with him for as long as I could, I made sure he had my number so he could call and we could catch up some more. He was in college with my husband as well and they would chit chat at college. Obviously you cannot get an in depth conversation in college with multiple ears around listening. I've always felt awful that I didn't stop and MAKE the time to visit longer when it was obvious he NEEDED to talk.
Note to self for future reference. Be sure to read where an article is coming from before commenting. It's better to just say nothing at all sometimes. Oh well, what was said, was said. I wasn't cruel or mean, just stated I didn't agree with the article, which we ALL KNOW that on the internet it is WRONG to disagree with anyone because everyone else is always in the right. Even when they are wrong, they are right. I shared some of MY experience with the topic, and was thus told to pretty much "stuff it" but in a multiple paragraph form meant to be "nice" but came off as more condescending. It's ok. I understand I "get it". We all know that suicide is still as taboo of a subject as domestic violence and rape. Sure, they are talked about ALL of the time, but are we REALLY allowed to "Talk" about it and our different situations? To fully SHARE our experiences with others? Nope, we aren't. We're still only allowed to stroke the egos of a few, to tell them "it's ok" when in reality no, it's not ok. It's not ok at all.
I do often feel bad for those that commit suicide. For the children and teenagers who are bullied so badly and feel they have no friends and that no one loves them, I FEEL for them, my heart goes out to them on SO MANY LEVELS. I know what it's like to be bullied and feel alone. My husband was one of those kids. He had such a rough child hood full of abuse and pain he wanted to die so many times. He tried. ONCE. It scared him so bad he never tried it again. He decided he wanted to meet the world HEAD ON with all of it's difficulties and choices and "I can'ts" and "you won'ts" he wanted to show the world HE CAN and HE WILL. He grew up in group homes and 2 of his very first girl friends, one succeeded in suicide, and the other almost succeeded. So there are a LOT of children that grow up in the situations he did or similar, and these children are HURTING. Many of these children literally have no one in their lives. They don't feel there is anyone who loves them at all, and that pain....in unbearable for these children. Many fight through it, some do not and my heart shatters that they were let down, that adults failed to see the pain they were in. They get so good at hiding their pain though, it's hard to know, it's hard to see until it's too late.
I feel for the women (and men too) who are stuck in an awfully abusive relationship and who can't "get out" they are stuck. It comes down to do I want HIM to beat me to death, or do I want to take my own life at my own hand in a manner I'm "ok with". I get that too. Those people often don't even realize they are getting into an abusive relationship and by the time they get it figured out...it's too late to get out. That's why there needs to be even more options for women (and men) to get out of abusive relationships. I've volunteered at a women's shelter before and I've heard some heart breaking stories. These women are often given pity after they die. While they are alive, they are often given all the blame. "She should just leave" or "Whatever happens it's her fault". WRONG way of thinking people!
Do I feel bad for my Father? No. I don't. Maybe it's because I don't know HIS side of the story. I have no memories of him, I don't have a mental connection to him, just photos. I don't know exactly WHY he chose to do what he did. I'll never have his side of the story. I only have what family tells me and the little clip from his obituary that was in the local paper that I still have a cut out of. I feel like most of HIS own choices led him to where he was at that particular time. No one else can make choices for you. You choose them yourself. They are choices you get to live with. He made the choice to take himself out of this world. Did God force my dad to kill himself? Nope. We are given free will for a reason. No one forced my father to drink alcohol. No one forced my father to beat my mother or do the things he did. No one forced him to do any of that, they were all things he chose to do, regardless of the state of mind he was in. Anger, is not a reason, it is a feeling we have. Do I forgive my Father for not "being there" while I grew up? Actually, in a weird way I do forgive him. I think honestly all of my experiences I've been through made me who I am today. I have three beautiful children whom I love with all my heart and I couldn't image taking myself away from them. I may have my Father's eyes, I may have many of my father's physical attributes, but I am strong. I learn. I fight through my struggles because I have learned from the mistakes of others. I am stubborn. I am not a quitter.
Mae
In Memory of my Father Randy Dean Aldridge
June 12th 1961
March 22nd 1987
You may have thought your troubles were many, but you had MORE people that loved you and cared than you knew at the time. I hope now, that wherever you are...you can see how many people cared, and still care. You aren't forgotten.
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| My dad with me as a happy little baby. |
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| This was taken when he was in Hondorous with the Military. (I'm certain I spelled that country wrong, but hopefully you know what I'm meaning, spell check isn't even picking it up LOL) |
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| Hanging out with my dad |
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| Aw yes, those typical "from the 80's" family photos ;) |
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| My second and last Christmas with my Father. 2 and a half months later he would take his own life. |
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| The last time I got to visit my Father's grave. I had just graduated high school (or would be graduating shortly, I can't remember exactly). He was a truck driver and in the National Guard. |
