I'm an emotional wreck. Weepy. Happy. Sad. Excited. Sentimental. Mushy. Ooooh my babies. I miss their tiny little bodies! They were the tiniest little boys (well they were both well over 5lbs at birth and darn near almost 20in long) so I guess they weren't all THAT tiny, but compared to their 8lb 2.8oz 20in long sister....they were pretty small!
So at 8:11am Marshall Dean was brought into this world. The first time I heard him cry, I bawled like a baby. Oh my gosh. I was so happy. Elated. The emotions I felt...undescribable. He was the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen. Until I laid eye on his twin brother! Then they were both the most beautiful little boys I had ever laid eyes on!
At 8:13am Keegan Ray was brought into this world. Again, I was completely overwhelmed by the emotions that flooded through my body! I was also terrified, because he didn't cry right away. Keegan gave them issues with his breathing. He nearly gave me a heart attack. I was on pins and needles, and he's pretty well kept me on pins and needles and the edge of my seat from day one! With Keegan...you never know what to expect, other than to expect the unexpected out of him!
They've made my world, AMAZING.
They are STRONG.
I never in a million years expected to have a child diagnosed with cancer. That rocked our world. We were shattered. How could a baby so tiny, and new and innocent....have cancer? By 9 months old he had already gone through more than most adults do! NUMEROUS scans, NUMEROUS sedations, 2 surgeries, 4 cycles of chemo, bone marrow testing, numerous pokes and prods and needle pokes. The hospital was a way of life for him, and still is. He doesn't know life without the hospital. I think it'll come as a shock to him when he finally never has to go anymore. That's how "normal" it is for us.
I never in a million years expected to have a child diagnosed with a seizure disorder either. By the time he was diagnosed I was a wreck. I felt such guilt and depression. I had no idea what I had done to cause this, it MUST have been something I did.
We'll probably NEVER know (atleast not in our life time anyway) what caused the cancer and the seizures, but I no longer feel like I'm to blame (ok so occasionally that guilt creeps in but I squash it). I did everything I was SUPPOSED to do when pregnant. Everything I did was what my OB and Midwife suggested. I had zero issues my entire pregnancy. Healthy, healthy healthy!
It was just meant to be I guess. Only God knows why these things happen. I will never understand it. It just is.
I know that I love those sons of mine with my ENTIRE heart and soul, not just the boys but their sister too. It blows my mind to think that I am so blessed to have these children in my life.
I really don't know where my life would be if my children had never been in it. I would not be who I am today. My children, help make me who I am.
I've been busily preparing for the boys' party on Saturday. We're having a dinosaur party. I hung up some of the decorations today, less to do on Saturday! Tomorrow I will bake the cakes and hang up the rest of the decorations (will do that part before I go to bed). I am really truly excited for their party. I love love love looooove birthday's. Your child only turns that age once, so whatever age it is...I feel you should celebrate it as big as you can afford to (ok well within reason I don't mean go broke doing it, or spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on a child's party). I want lots of family and friends gathered around my children. Cheering them on in their accomplishments, and wishing them a happy birthday. Birthday's are a beautiful thing. You are growing up, they are a right of passage through infancy, toddler hood, preschool, childhood, preteen, teen, young adult....adult....on and on....with each age you enter and leave behind, you enter a new phase of life! It brings new mile stones, new memories. New experiences. Birthday's bring you more year close to whatever goals you have in life.
It's a day for Mommy's and Daddy's to look back...and remember. Remember the day your child was born. The way you felt the FIRST TIME you laid eyes on them. How beautiful and wrinkley they looked, how tiny they were, how perfect. The sound of their first cry....birthday's bring those memories back in a flood of emotion. Birthday's aren't just for the child, they are always as much for the parent, as the child.
Parents love their kids, feel pride in their accomplishments, feel their pain, do our best to do everything we can for them.
Ack. Here I am tearing up over here. Hard to see the screen when it's all blurry!
I'll admit, I'm always a little disappointed when others aren't as "excited" about my children's birthday's as I am, but honestly....why should they be? THEY didn't carry my children and give them life, and bring them into this world. They haven't stayed up and lost many nights of sleep with my children. They haven't watched my children fight through all they've been through, others haven't been there. So, honestly? Why SHOULD they be as excited about my children having a birthday as I am? (Haha because I said so darn it!)
I think Moms just love to celebrate their amazing babies. They want the world to know how much they love their kids, how proud of them they are!
So Saturday when we have the party, I don't think there are going to be too many that come, but I'm ok with that. I know that those who come really care about the boys ( and even those that don't come I know they care too, they just have busy lives and that is totally understandable, you can't be everywhere at one time, I know that for a fact!)
Wouldn't matter if a single person showed up or a thousand. My sons would STILL be surrounded with love!
Anyway, below are a few things we are doing for the party.
It may be a small party, but I know my kids will love it. Lots of love and thought going into it.
Now off to bed since I have a TON of things still to do tomorrow.
Mae
