Accountability

Everywhere you look on social media and the news you are hearing about the Stanford rape case.  It's everywhere.  It's caused a lot of anger and a lot of conversation, and rightly so.  It's opening a lot of eyes, and also at the same time closing a few who want to stay blind to the facts. 

Rape is real.  Rape is scary. 

If you have a daughter, you are terrified of her experiencing something like this.  Heck you even worry about your sons going through something like this as well.  It's not something you ever want to happen to your child, no matter what their age is, that's still your child.  Having someone take advantage of you or your children in a very personal way is terrifying. 

Having been in a potentially terrifying situation myself when I was my daughters age, is always right there in my mind.  I was able to get away, but barely.  It's not something I generally talk about, like ever.  Until now.  I have spent most of my childhood and teen years just trying to block the experience out.  I wasn't too into sleep overs any more after that. Quick thinking and being fast is what saved me.  I never bothered to tell anyone though, because at almost nine I didn't think anyone was going to believe me anyway.  After all, he was an adult, and I was a child, who did I think was going to be believed? So I just lived with it.  Lived with wondering "what if".  What if I hadn't spent the night with my friends (didn't have much of a choice though, my Mother had to go out of town, and after all these were people she knew well, they were supposed to keep me safe).  What if I hadn't gotten under that bed where he couldn't reach me?  What if I hadn't found something I could use to hit him with as he tried to reach me (causing a bunch of noise that caused him to leave).  Waking up in the middle of your night with your hand being lifted into the air touching something...different, being forced to stroke something that your brain upon first waking up from a hard sleep doesn't quite comprehend, because after all you ARE still just a child, and certain anatomy is still a bit unknown to you, and you are NOT the one in control of your own hand, is terrifying.  Then you realize what it is you are being forced to touch, and suddenly you are quite awake and realizing what kind of a situation you are in.  Your heart stops.  Your stomach tightens with dread and fear and you feel like you are in a dream like this cannot really be happening. I stiffened my arm, tried to recoil away, but wasn't strong enough to yank my hand from him, tried to wiggle away, but he was sitting on me, and I couldn't move. I realized that my nightgown was up too high, making me feel extra vulnerable, I felt helpless.  Then he left.  He stood up, and left. Just like that.  I laid there wondering...did I just dream that?  Was that real?  You don't understand the why's or what's going on.  Then suddenly survival mode kicks in as you hear him coming again for you.  I hid.  I squeezed myself under my friends bed.  (who is quietly sleeping through the whole thing you are going through because you are simply too terrified to make a peep, thinking maybe if you ARE quiet they'll go away).  No such luck, he figures out you are under the bed and tries to reach you to drag you out.  You have yourself flattened against the wall as far away from that arm as you can.  You look around for a weapon....what kind of a weapon do a bunch of 8 year old girls keep in their bedroom??? Nothing.  You find a naked Barbie under the bed and you use that to beat the arm reaching for you, use the Barbie's leg's to stab at the arm, wishing it was a knife.  Eventually after what seems like an eternity he leaves.  However, you are too terrified to sleep.  You lay flattened against the wall, smashed under your friends bed all night long, until morning.  You crawl out from under the bed before anyone is awake and get dressed as quickly as you can (hiding in the closet to do so).  You can't wait to get out of that house and you leave as quick as you can.  I felt off the entire day.  Jittery, scared.  Out of it.  From that day on I avoided that person at all costs, no one seemed to notice.  I always wondered why me?  What did I do wrong? Was it simply just because I was there?  I had laid there, silent, not making a sound, too scared to move.  I had been asleep, so what happened before I woke up, I don't know.  When I did wake up, I was too scared, too shocked to make a sound, my brain was still trying to process what was going on.  Did my silence make him think it was ok? I was afraid if I tried to yell, he'd hurt me.  So I stayed silent, until I got the chance to hide.  It's not something I will ever forget.  He walked away from it, never being punished for it, though he did end up in jail years later for something else.  Though I hear he is out now, I really don't care.  He can walk in front of a bus and I'd be ok with that too.

It wasn't until years later, as a grown adult that I spoke to anyone, about what happened. I had not wanted anyone to know.  I didn't want it to change their perception of me, I didn't want them to pity me, I didn't want them to think I was gross, or dirty or wrong, or somehow immoral.  It was an act done by an ADULT, to a CHILD, that I had zero control over.  An act that could have gone a lot worse.  However, it was still enough to traumatize me. 

As my daughter has neared that age that I was when I went through almost being raped, I find myself being slightly panicky.  I don't want her to go to sleep overs and honestly, I have been avoiding them for her.  I don't want her in anyone's house, if I don't know you I don't want you around my children.  I follow the sex offender registry alert system (http://www.familywatchdog.us/) that let's you know when a sex offender has moved in or out of your area.  (Which we live close to two schools so honestly, no sex offender SHOULD be moving into our area, but yet somehow they do?)  I'm constantly at her to sit like a lady in a dress, don't let anyone touch you, if anyone ever tries to mess with you do XYZ thing to try and get away, ALWAYS tell Mommy and Daddy, if someone tries to touch your privates or wants to see them, or if they show you theirs or want you to touch theirs, because it's NOT OK. 

I have to teach her to be strong, to rescue herself.  However I feel like I'm also teaching her that if something DOES happen, it's her fault.  That's not right.  Just because you accidentally sit wrong and someone sees your underwear, doesn't give them the right to rape you or come after you.  YOU have done nothing "wrong" that would cause you to deserve to be touched by someone else against your will.  Nothing is wrong with YOU, something is wrong with the person touching you against your will, something is wrong with them.  I don't want my daughter (or my sons) should they ever been in this situation to think THEY have done wrong and need to stay quiet.  NO.  Be loud.  USE your voice.  Tell someone, don't let them get away with it.  I wish I had felt more confident about someone believing me when I was a child.

You watch your daughters, your sons so very closely.  You never know what kind of pervert is lurking in the bushes watching your children.  At the same time, you have to NOT live in fear.  You still have to live your life and just pray you are doing enough to keep your children safe. 

On top of trying to protect your children from those out there who might have ill thoughts.  You always are trying to raise good sons and daughters who also WILL NOT be ones that take advantage of someone else. 

I have two sons.  Two beautiful amazing, funny, active sons.  They are young, just seven years old.  Looking at them I just smile and know they are capable of great things.  They have dreams of being a fire fighter, and an architect/construction worker.  They want to grow and have fun, and make good memories with their family and friends.  As their mom I want to believe they could never hurt anyone, never do anything wrong. 

In reality....I know they are just as capable as ANY OTHER PERSON of making a terrible choice that could ruin their lives, and the life(lives) of someone else.  Whether that be drinking and driving, or rape, or murder or whatever.  ONE BAD DECISION, can ruin everyone's lives.  Those bad decisions can happen in the blink of an eye.  I constantly talk to my children about not drinking, not doing drugs.  How guns can really hurt people if used wrong.  Choose positive people to be friends with, be involved in positive activities, THINK before you act.  Walk away from situations that could go south quickly.  It's not just my sons, my daughter is just as capable of making bad choices as they are.  ANYONE can make a bad choice in the matter of a moment. 

It doesn't matter how well we parent our children and instill morals and values.  We don't control our children, no matter how hard we might try.  Ultimately THEY are responsible for their own actions.  THEY make decisions that will affect them (and others) for ever. 

This summer has been a big learning experience for my sons, they have been learning to take responsibility for things they do wrong.  BIG time.  We've always done that before, but know they are older and playing outside with their friends more and have a little bit more freedom.  Unfortunately they've been playing with some slightly older kids and it has gotten them into a little bit of trouble (with mom and dad). Throwing a friends bike into a creek and jumping on it (along with two other boys).  MY sons had to own up to that.  They had to go over and apologize to two different boys and explain WHY they had done it, and WHY they weren't going to do it again.  It was hard.  They cried.  It really made an impact on them.  They had to own up to what they had done. The worst part, was knowing the other two boys that had been involved...had NOT had to say sorry or own up to what they had done, they got off scott free.  My sons, did not.  They saw how unfair that was.  They also knew they had done wrong, and that they had to own up to it and take responsibility for being part of it.  Now they have been a lot better at making better choices.

I don't want my sons to grow up to take advantage of anyone.  I want them to be respectful to women.  I want them to remember they have a sister, a mother, grandma's, and female cousins.  How would they feel if someone took advantage of them?  Treat these women they meet in their daily life the way they would want someone to treat the women in their life. 

No.  Always means no. 
Don't, always means stop. 
Stop, always means stop.

Unconscious?  That means NOOOOOO.
Incoherent?  That means NOOOOOO.

ALWAYS. 

You can tell when someone is drunk.  You can tell when you are drunk.  That means no.  Just, no.  Go on about your day.  Do not pass go, do not try to have sex with that person.  Go home. 

Respect. 

Respect yourself, respect other people.  THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. 

If you DO end up committing a horrible act and making a terrible decision. Own up to it.  APOLOGIZE TO THE PERSON (not for getting caught but for doing it at all!!)  Take your punishment, and realize that YOU did this.  YOU chose this.  YOU made the decision that led to this moment.

I don't ever want my children to experience what I did.  I also don't want my children to be the one making anyone ELSE experience what I did. It's all very scary knowing that all too soon my children will be the ones making every choice that will affect them and follow them for the rest of their lives, and possible affect other people in very big ways. 

All I can do is pray for my children.  Pray and pray and do my best to teach them how to behave properly, how to respect others, how to stand up for others. 

I want my children to be the ones defending someone else that might be in danger.  Stand up for them.  Protect them.  Do not let them be a victim.  I also hope that there are others out there doing the same, protecting others.  Doing what is right when someone else does what is wrong. 

I just ask that you hold your kids accountable, starting young.  Very early you can hold them accountable.  Yes, even TODDLERS can be held accountable for their actions. 

A good way of doing that...use the word I.  I was pleased to read another blog, that uses this technique as well! My husband and I have used this with our kids since they were very young. (I can no longer find the link to the blog but as soon as I find it I'll be more than happy to share it here).  That also explained how they use the word I to help hold their kids accountable. 

Ask them, to tell you what happened using the word I.  I (insert whatever they did in the course of things that happened).  It makes them realize what part THEY played in the event.  Usually they realize it was ridiculous.  They realize what they did and how it led to what happened, or helped add to the situation already.  Using the world I instead of she, he, they, or whatever gives them accountability for THEIR actions. 

Being a parent is the hardest job we are ever going to have ladies and gentleman.  We don't get a redo with our children. 

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