A Down State

The last couple of weeks have brought some emotional change in the life of my family, and a lot of stress.  I've been infuriatingly angry, felt betrayed, I've been crushed by sadness, and yes even depression.  I felt (still feel?) so very low.  I have cried myself to sleep, I have cried at work.  Had a multiple of panic attacks and yes, been a snappy, snarky, GROUCHY sorry excuse for a human being. 

My husband has been struggling as well, since the same issue upsetting me, also affects him.  It's one of those situations we have zero control over, and it isn't a thing we can control, out of our hands.  It's been hard.  SUPER hard.  Especially when you have three beautiful little faces looking up at you wanting reassurance that everything in their world is ok.  It's hard, because you don't KNOW if it's going to be ok.  You have NO IDEA what is going to happen, and you are scared.  You know you can't let THEM be scared though so you do your best to reassure them, and comfort them and do your best to keep things going normal. 

Meanwhile, you are SOOOO thankful that your husband always has your back no matter what and you have his.  That you HAVE been through tough things before, and got through it.  I mean, c'mon, you got through your sons cancer because of GOD and your husband, and your children. They were literally the ONLY THINGS EVEN REMOTELY HOLDING ME TOGETHER DURING OUR SONS CANCER.  Otherwise...I would have TOTALLY lost it. 

I've been feeling super crazy and emotional and it's driving me batty.  I'm so worried about the next several days...weeks.  What's going to happen, and praying it all works out for the positive. 

Today, I came across a blog post from "Austin Moms Blog" and WOW.  This article....it's amazing.  I loved it.  I blubbered my way through it, because this woman says it all.  Please read her blog "This Stage of Life?  It's Hard." It says everything that I know I have been feeling for awhile.  I just turned thirty one last year, and thirty two is quickly approaching in six more months.  This stage of life really IS HARD!

I mean, wow I always thought being a Newborn mom was hard, and then I moved into the toddler years.  That was hard.  However, I have to say that by now....I am  just LITERALLY exhausted.  Mentally.  Physically.  You name it.  Every day is something unexpected in a way I never dreamed. 

Did I forget an appointment or a practice?  Did I get all the errands done?  Am I being a good enough friend?  I feel like I haven't connected with any of my friends enough lately, I'm slacking as a friend.  Have I contacted family enough?  No, no I haven't.  I hardly talk to anyone other than my Mother on a regular basis.  I fail at family communication too.  Work?  Don't even get me started.  That's the massive head of stress right now with so many unexpected and unforeseen changes taking place I just feel completely unable to process LIFE right now. 

So I go on autopilot. 

Trying to hold it all together. 

This stage of life isn't just HARD, it's lonely.  I thought being a mom to a newborn was lonely, it wasn't NEARLY as lonely honestly.  At least then my life revolved around my child in a completely different way.  Diaper changings, feedings, nap times etc.  I still left the house and still did relatively did what I wanted or needed to do baby in tow.  Not necessarily SOCIALIZING, but getting out non the less. Their were at least play dates and mom groups.  Plus who doesn't love to come over and snuggle on a newborn for a few minutes and chat?? (Even if your house is a mess and you may not have showered in a couple of days and your hair looks like a birds nest). 

Now days?  My life doesn't just REVOLVE around my kids, it feels like it is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY RAN by my kids. 

If I didn't have the calendar on my cell phone that automatically updates right along side with the same calendar on every electronic device in my home, I'd be a mess.  I don't have time, or memory mass to remember all the crap. 

I WANT my children to do things, and have activities.  I do.  I am GLAD they have interests and things they love doing (I'm just SOOOO thankful they are all playing the same SPORT right now and happen to all be on the same TEAM right now!!! THANK YOU LORD!) 

There are all of the school things to remember.  I recently had to make the decision to NOT sign up to volunteer with the school carnival (which I REALLY wanted to help with!!), I decided to let go not even baking any goodies to donate for the cake walk! (Another thing I REALLY wanted to do).  I decided against spending $30 on arm bands for the kids to attend the school carnival, because honestly...it's just really NOT in the budget right now with the whole job circus thing being so wonky at the moment.  Cut expenses where you can you  know.

So many things are up in the air right now.  Searching for a new babysitter and trying to figure out what we're going to do this summer.  It's INSANE. 

The kids wanted to do swim lessons and baseball over the summer, and I was all for it, but we missed the deadline because I was feeling iffy on the job circus that's going on, so I was cautions, and decided NOT to sign the kids up, and I'm glad I didn't.  Glad I saved that money.  Saved myself  $180.

I spend a lot of time going to soccer practices, soccer GAMES (and then I feel like an A HOLE because the soccer organization NEEDS parents to step up and volunteer at the concession stand, they are almost literally BEGGING, and quite frankly...I don't want to.  I just...ack.  Can't.  But it makes me feel like an arse for NOT doing so).  Saturday is my ONLY day off.  Eh..well, for now.  I spend it watching my kids play soccer, and I love that, but I want to spend the REST OF IT with my kids  at home hanging out and getting stuff done we NEED to get done. 

So if we aren't "soccer-ing" then we are scouting.  Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, you name it.  Last weekend my boys were SUPPOSED to participate in a pinewood derby contest.  :(  I unfortunately had to cancel my sons going.  I thought we could make it there, but by the time the soccer game was going to be over, it just literally was NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  We wouldn't have gotten there in time. 

My daughter has had to miss several Girl Scout events this year, because schedule conflicts of course.  So when your kids have to miss things they REALLY want to do, you feel like a jerk.  Mom guilt sets in. 

Love that guilt. 

I spend a LOT of time feeling that.

Especially having a child that has struggled IMMENSELY all year long in school and it's been a true roller coaster with him.  (His teacher did assure me today that he WILL be passing on to the next grade, so that was reassuring...I think??)  We've had appointments with a juvenile officer every two weeks for a month or more.  Now we're working with a play therapist, and working with the pediatrician and testing out some meds (medication was the LAST THING we turned to, it was NOT what we wanted, but my gosh...what a difference we are seeing in him, and he is SO much happier). 

So yeh, lots of guilt and stress going on in my head, ALL OF THE TIME. 

It looks like a bomb went off in my house, and frankly...I don't care at the moment.  Too bad my sons have a birthday party on Saturday...and I REALLY need to get that taken care of.  It's a small small small party.  NOTHING even close to what I usually do.  I love birthday parties.  However, this one has had to be changed a lot due to the eh...work issue.  So YAY.  I'm so sad about the downgrading of the party, but I don't think my sons care, they are only sad no one from their class is going to be there, they really wanted school friends to come.  They could care less about the rest, ha!

It's the mom guilt I think that eats at me the most.  That steals my joy on things that should make me happy. 

It's getting me to get out of my own head and just STOP.  Stop with the nonsense, the judging MYSELF, the worrying about if I am doing ok.  The worrying about meeting expectations...set by whom???? I don't even know anymore.  Just worrying I'm not hitting the expectations of being a MOM that I should be.  Swimming through Jello in this mom life!

Here is to the moms! We got this! Right?  Right.

Mom Circus