However, there are the OTHER days. The days that seem to happen more than the rocking awesome days. These are the days that are seemingly spit out of the underworld.
Where NOTHING goes right from the moment my eyes open.
Over slept, panic. Forgot to lay the kids clothes out the night before because I thought to myself "Oh I'll have PLENTY of time to do that in the morning, so it's ok to just go ahead and go to bed now". Please hear my insane laughter now. Ha. That's NEEEVER how it works out. Then I'm scrambling running around finding clothes for the kids to wear. Circus Son #1 decided to go on a freaking growth spurt so now most of his under wear and jeans don't fit him. Fantastic kid. So now I have to rummage through to find the 2-3 pairs of jeans that actually fit him around the waist AND in the legs, and find the under wear that don't dig into his skin all day. *sigh* Then they argue about getting dressed.
Not to mention the slow poking at eating their breakfast. One day I took a quick shower while the kids were eating their breakfast and my daughter comes sobbing into the bathroom because her brother caused her to get hurt with a SPOON. I was like..wait? What? You got hurt...with a SPOON? How'd that happen?
Apparently he was teaching her to BEND her spoon, well the particular spoon she was bending broke, and she got cut on the metal.
Seriously? Our spoon BROKE? Crappy cheapo spoon I guess.
So that ended my shower a lot quicker. No more bending spoons at the table, Mmmk? Just eat your cereal and go get dressed!
Then there is extracurricular stuff.
Last year was a NIGHTMARE with T Ball (or rag ball as it is called here). My daughter liked playing ball and did pretty well with it. One of my sons liked it for the most part and had a fairly good time playing as well. However....there was that ONE SON, who had an EXTREME melt down. EVERY. SINGLE. GAME. Screaming "I HATE BASEBALL I WANT TO PLAY SOCCER I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE I HATE EVERYONE!!!! AAAAAAH!!!!!!!"
Oh yeh. Did I forget to mention I was the team coach? Mmm Hmm. Nice.
Somehow I let him live through baseball season, barely.
He was the one who wanted to play it in the first place, and the other two decided they'd try it out too.
You would have thought I would have learned my lesson after last year but apparently not. This year the same son begs to play SOCCER. I allow it. My other two children think it sounds like a good idea too and want to play, so we fork over the dough to sign them up, and buy cleats, and shin guards, and soccer balls, and a practice net.
The one son LOVES SOCCER, it's HIS sport. He loves it. ADORES IT. Lives, breathes, sleeps, eats, bleeds SOCCER. Everything is soccer. EVERYTHING. Must have ALL of the soccer things. He's slightly obsessed. He comes home from school and has to practice (that's his own idea, I don't push it!) He practices running laps in our little cul de sac type place. He has to be the fastest. He practices being goalie, and works on his foot work and is just IN LOVE with soccer. Which is amazing and makes my heart soar and so happy because we FINALLY found HIS sport (because it OBVIOUSLY wasn't baseball!!)
My other two kids?
Oh my word.
Save me now.
One of them isn't too upset over soccer and likes it well enough, but not enough to willingly practice on his own. He happily goes to games and plays his heart out and isn't a bad player at all. He just isn't obsessed with it like dear brother.
My daughter? Not a fan of soccer apparently. Two games ago it was bad. Bad bad. She did so bad I almost crawled under a bench and died from embarrassment. It sounds awful of me, but it's the truth.
I was so embarrassed, because she WASN'T EVEN TRYING. Not at all. She literally stood there and did nothing. When the coach and my husband and I tried to encourage her from the side lines we heard "I DON'T WANT TO PLAY SOCCER!!!!" OH no. Not again.
The other parents were yelling at her (not like YELLING at her, but yelling to try and encourage her to go after the ball and help her team, but alas, it did no good). My husband and I were yelling to help her know what to do. "Kick the ball kiddo, you got this! Keep it out of the goal, you can do it!"
She cried all the way home that night. Cried when she got home. I was far too upset to talk with her so we avoided each other for about 20min. So we could both think. So she could think about what she needed to do next time, and so I could think about how to talk with her about this whole "You are on a team and you need to try your hardest because you are letting down your team, and you have to be a team player when you are on a team" thing.
FINALLY her and I snuggled up and chatted.
I told her I didn't expect her to be the best player on the team, I wasn't looking for her to be the most amazing player on the field. I was looking for her to SHOW ME that she really was TRYING. I told her I'd rather her try her hardest and fail, then to just stand there and give up and not try at all. Team mates don't want a team mate that will just stand there, and do nothing.
So we have been practicing, a LOOOOOT.
At Saturday's game she blocked 5 of the 7 balls that were kicked towards her. The two that DID get pasted her would have most likely made it past even the best players on her team.
I was proud of my daughter! I could tell she was trying, and trying HARD. She had actually ASKED her coach if she could go in and if she could be the goalie, because she wanted to show how HARD she had been working at home and make it up to her team mates for being a lousy team mate the previous game. My husband and I were BEAMING from the sidelines and jumping up and down, and we were telling the other parents how hard she had been practicing and how EXCITED she had been to show everyone how hard she had worked and how she WAS a good team mate to have. The parents just kind of stared at me like...uh huh....
However, I over heard something from the sidelines. Of course, from the coaches kid.
"It's not MY fault we're LOSING, I'm not making us LOSE it's HER, she stinks" (Same kid, and two other kids on the team made similar comments the previous game, it was awful).
My heart broke.
My baby girl was out there on that field giving it her ALL and actually doing quite well, and the boy had to go and make comments and put the blame on her. That's not very TEAM oriented either. You win and lose as a TEAM not as an individual. She has NEVER played soccer before, and all of the kids cept maybe one other, has played soccer since they were like TWO. Or who have siblings that have played it and have taught the younger siblings to play, so no, they are FAR from all being on the same playing skill level. I only expected my daughter to get out there and do HER very best, not try to be as 'wonderful' as the top players on the team. I wanted her to be amazing, for her. To know she CAN do new things, and she can try hard and she might find she even ENJOYS playing and isn't as 'bad' as she thinks she is (which for the record, she ISN'T as bad as she THINKS she is, she just needed a HUGE confidence booster and someone to sit down, erm...run around and practice with her and TEACH her how to play the game!)
My son, also over heard what the boy said. He looked at me and had a VERY angry/hurt look on his face. "Mom, they are talking about my sister, that boy is being MEAN and I can't let him be MEAN to my sister!!"
Before I could stop him he jumped up and yelled at that boy to "STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS SISTER OR ELSE!!!!" My other son (who didn't have a clue what was going on, but obviously felt the disturbance in the sibling force and knew his presence was required) also jumped up and said "YEH OR ELSE!"
My heart was conflicted.
On one hand, I was so proud of my sons for sticking up for their big sister! (You should see them at home trying to kill each other! It's crazy the way they fight, I often think they absolutely hate each other and that I've failed COMPETELY as a loving and nurturing mother). So when they DEFEND each other against someone else I'm all like "Oh thank God they don't hate each other!" I've always hoped my children would be there for each other to help each other when perhaps I'm not around. It's good to know they DO think about each other and don't want anyone being mean to each other.
However, I'm then like "Oh crap..boys, we don't talk like that and just sit down and watch your sister play, she's doing a really good job today and we should be really proud of her so improving so much and trying so hard, Yay!! GO BLUE TEAM!"
Moms walk a fine line between ups and downs throughout the course of a parenting day/night.
Some days it feels like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't on darn near any decision you make. Do something to make one child happy, and you will inadvertently make the other one or two unhappy. Then you are like, well I shouldn't be focusing all my time on making them happy, they have to learn to sort things out for themselves. So you let them. Only to find them beating the tar and feathers out of each other and you are like "OMG! I've created little meanies!!" So of course you have to break up the fight before someone seriously gets hurt.
My kids are at that age where they are really branching out into thing that THEY specifically like. Which means, it may not be the same thing the other one(s) like. Which is ok! It's good for them to branch out and find where their interests lay.
However, it hurts as a parent, as a mom...to see ONE child shining and the other two...not so much. Or just one not shining. You want ALL of your kids to shine, but you have to realize they are probably NOT all going to shine in the same things. It may take them a few years to find "THE THING" they are good at, but they WILL be good at something, they will. And when they find it, you'll know! Be there for them support them at it. IF it's a sport, go for it. If it's an art of some sort, go for it. Just be present and support them. Let them shine at what they are good at. Some days it's hard to make each child feel special, because some days are just tough all around. I know I personally don't feel 'special' a majority of the time, so how can I make my KIDS feel like they are special all the time. It's hard work, but some how, we get by. At the end of the day they are HEALTHY, happy, clean, and they know they are LOVED by their parents.
It is so easy to be out and about and see other kids with their parents and instantly compare your self, your kids....to them. Which is silly, especially since chances are you don't know that person at all.
I had a rough start to this whole parenting thing. Being tore down and bullied around by other moms is the worst feeling in the world. It completely sucks. It's soul draining. Makes you feel like absolute dirt and like God MUST have made a mistake in deciding you should be a mom. It hurts to feel like that.
It took me a long time to get through that. A LONG TIME. Of course I was already feeling down and out from my youngest son fighting cancer, and then dealt with the hurt from some really angry moms who didn't even "know" me. That stuff hurts, and it hurts deep and messes with you. Being a parent is hard. Being a BULLIED parent is tough, being a mom to a kiddo with CANCER is SERIOUSLY FREAKING UNDENIABLY HARD (trust me I can't even form enough WORDS to relate to you how hard that alone is!!), being the mom of TWINS is rough, being the mom of three kids under two is CRAZY (at the time, but as they get older and you get more experience under your belt it isn't bad at all having three kids that close).
Everyone faces a tough battle. EVERYONE. I don't care how easy and perfect they SAY their life is. It isn't. They have struggles, we all do. Some people are just more real about their struggles than others. It's ok to be real in your struggles. You don't have to be perfect. You DON'T have to hold it all together all of the time. It IS ok for your children to see you cry because you are just feeling lost, over whelmed, hurt, broken. It is ok to lose your composure every once in awhile. It happens, we're all human. We aren't robots. WE FEEL THINGS. We feel hurt, anger, despair, fear, hopelessness, gratitude, joy, happiness, excitement, peace, serenity, thankfulness, every emotion...we FEEL them and we feel them a lot, and sometimes all of those emotions hit at once! IT'S OK.
Don't worry if you are enough for your children. YOU ARE. Just love them. Hold them. Snuggle them. You don't have to be rich, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be a Harvard grad to be the best parent ever. Just be YOU. Just love them. Be human, be real.
It's too exhausting to try and be everyone else. How can we teach our children to "be who they are" when we, as moms are struggling to be OUR selves. We're too busy trying to play the perfect Pinterest Mommy, putting on a show for Facebook. Life, isn't about that. Life doesn't happen on Facebook, not REAL life anyway. That happens at home, in real life.
I've been thinking lately now that my daughter is ALMOST just 10 years away from being eighteen (yes I think that far ahead, hush up those ten years will fly be TOO QUICK!)
I think at times I will be lost when my kids move out and are on their own. That I will be completely and totally lost without them. Then I'm like that's silly. You are still you. Get out and DO stuff, get back what you sat aside for awhile to raise your kids. You didn't forget it, you just chose another priority. But I really feel you should always make time for the things you love doing, even if it is just something small, still do that thing. If you love to randomly take photos or whatever just do it. If you love to sew, it's ok TRUST ME you can still find time to do it, even if only once a week. If it's something you have always loved and treasured, continue to love and treasure it because it may be the only outlet you have for the next 18 years! ha!
Have I lost myself as a mom? I mean, am I who I was before? No obviously not and that's ok. You grow, you change every day whether you have kids or not. Your life experiences change you, it's called growth, and growth is good. However there is still a "YOU" in there amongst all of that, a you that's been there since you were born. A spark. Something that has always just made YOU who you are.
How many of us the moment our baby is born...lose that spark? We lock it up, and put it away. Thinking we can't have that anymore because we're a mom now. We have to act and be a certain way. Society demands we do things a certain way, because if we don't we're a bad mom. We cannot be a bad mom, ever. Must always be the perfect mom (at least when people are looking, right?) I don't know why that is...but it just seems to happen. Suddenly it's competition. Other moms, the enemy. Your child, is the best, the top no matter what. You have to win. How does that happen? WHEN exactly does that happen? WHY does it happen? What EXACTLY are we trying to 'win' here anyway?
Having a child doesn't mean giving up who YOU are. Yes it may mean no more clubbing on the weekends, no more weekend get aways with the girls (or not as many as you had before or whatever). (My life was void of all that before I had kids, sooo yeh...haha).
I have always been adventurous, up to trying new things going new places, meeting people, being spontaneous. Once my daughter was born, that went away. When the twins were born, it all but DIED. The twins are/were such high maintenance and required such strict routine that being spontaneous was IMPOSSIBLE. With so much going on at the time (one sons cancer, the others seizures, my daughters sudden speech struggles), I had my plate full with more than I could handle, and it was hard. SO VERY FREAKING HARD.
My little sister, bless her heart, is the mom of two young and totally handsome boys. The oldest just turned a year old last month. I love my sister and my nephews, they are fantastic and I am blessed to have them in my life. My little sister is ten and a half years younger than me, and she was around here and there for some of the things we have been through since my daughter was born almost 8 years ago. However, she's missed a LOT as she didn't live near me.
She lives with our Mother currently. She has quite a bit of help from my Mother, and that's wonderful. I WISH I would have had that help when I had my kids. I did not. I had no help (well ok I had my husband and he DID help but he was also trying to work his butt off constantly to try and support our family, as was I). So it was just the two of us. LOTS of struggles. Especially after the twins were born. The twins just brought a WHOLE new level of crazy circus to our life, but they brought so much STRENGTH, and LOVE, and wonderfulness into our life that I can't imagine NOT being there.
I still wish I would have had help from my family though. It hurts knowing we didn't get that help, that physical support/help. Unfortunately there were situations out of our control that prevented my Mother from being able to help us like she wanted. Not to say she wasn't there over the phone! I talked to her daily!! Still do!
Some day, I hope my little sister looks back and appreciates having her Mother right there to help when needed. To pitch in when she just needs a break and needs to step out of the house to regain her composure. I never had that. I had to face it all, all of the time. There was no break for me. No pause button. I had to be "ON" all of the time, and it was EXHAUSTING.
But I made it. I'm still making it. Some days, just barely. But I'm making it. My husband has been both a source of great frustration, and of great help and he's my team mate. Some days, he's the team mate I want to strangle, and the other days he's the team mate I want to hug and never let go. I'm thankful to not be going through this journey alone. I'd be terrified out of my mind. I don't know how my Mother raised me for all the years she did on her own (and didn't strangle me).
So tonight. I will rest. I will think about what needed to be done before I went to sleep. Like laying out the kids clothes for tomorrow, which I haven't done, and probably won't do, and will regret in the morning. But I'm exhausted right now. It feels like I swallowed an angry molten lava porcupine and I'm freezing to death, so that's great. Tomorrow I will wake up, get my kids ready for school, feed them, and get them on the bus, and race to work. I will work my butt off for the next 6 or 7 hours just to come home and rush around to get supper on the stove, dishes caught up, laundry caught up, and all of that other fun stuff, before my sons have their scout meeting. When they get home we'll do supper, and home work and rush to boy scouts. We'll come home do bath time, snuggle, and tuck them in for bed. The day will have rushed by....and I'll be exhausted again. But some how I will feel at peace.
I have my children, and they have me. God did not make any mistakes.
Mom Circus
