Tomorrow, on April 27th my darling twin sons will officially be 6 years old. Circus Son #1 will be 6 at exactly 8:11am, while his 'little brother' Circus Son #2 will officially be 6 exactly two minutes later at 8:13am. I was cut open for my second and last C Section. Say what you will about the appropriate way to have a child, I don't really care. All I knew, was that day...I was becoming a mom of twin boys. (well at least the mom of ONE boy, I was still iffy on if Circus Son #1 was a boy or not, because in their gender ultra sound I missed his boy bits because his brother kicked him right when I looked and I missed it, so there was still a 50/50 chance that it was a boy or a girl, didn't care either way I was just trying to be prepared incase the ultra sound was wrong, ha! The ultra sound tech was right, I had two lovely little boys!
So this is how MOM celebrates the fact that her twin sons are turning six. She goes out to eat and gets herself a strawberry daiquiri! (ok so her husband orders it as a surprise, apparently he thought I looked like I needed an adult drink, I didn't argue!) Hey birthday parties aren't easy folks, they are NOT EASY!
Wow! Time flies by. So very quickly. It seems like just yesterday my stomach was stretched as far as it could go. I had one child way up in my boobs so far that it looked like I had three breasts. The other child was head down, and practically dangling out of my vagina. I swear he was waving at people as we walked by. It was not a comfortable way to spend the last few weeks of my pregnancy.
I learned that you could get horizontal stretch marks across your stomach. I hadn't been aware of that snazzy tid bit before then. My sons now find that hilarious. Little stinkers.
I was completely stressed out the last few months of my pregnancy with the twins, and by some amazing grace of God, the pregnancy went really well. No complications. I was on iron pills towards the end, but the doctors weren't super worried about anything it was just a precaution.
I was scared to death. Twins. Twin BOYS. How on EARTH was I going to raise BOYS, let alone two of them at the same time. Which is rather ironic because when I was pregnant with my daughter, I swore up and down she was going to be a boy. Not because I WANTED a boy first, I just figured that's the way it was going to happen. I'd have my boy first, then my girl. My brain didn't see it happening any other way. I didn't really CARE about their gender persay, I didn't cry and get mad when I had a girl saying I wanted a boy and what not, just my entire life I had a 'plan' that my boy would be born first.
Hahaha. Funny stuff those plans are. Not that it really mattered in the long run at all!
But the fact that I was suddenly terrified to try and raise boys, is what I now can laugh at and find comical.
There is only 19 months between my daughter, and my sons. Not that much difference! Though some days...it can seem like years and years! I'd like to say that raising my sons has been VASTLY different than how I raised my daughter. It's not.
I've had essentially the same approach to parenting with them, as I have my daughter.
Raise them all to be independent, strong, leaders. Teach them to help others, to be good people, believe in God, love their country, treat everyone equally, give everyone a chance at being a decent and good person. Believe in second chances. Help those that cannot help themselves, stand up for the sick or injured. Be kind to animals, and the environment. Love yourself, be proud of who you are, but not conceited. Love your family, they are the only ones that know you for who you are and what you stand for. Be creative when you can, be inquisitive, question things, it's ok to say no, yes even to adults. Kids need to learn to say no, even to adults. It's ok to push some boundaries, but learn when to not push a boundary. Always be you. Don't try to be someone else, because you aren't them, you were born YOU. You can't change that.
That's a lot of what my parenting stands for.
The kids have really showed me a lot over the years, especially my sons.
Back then, six years ago I NEVER for saw that one of my sons would have cancer. I did not see that coming, it wasn't even SLIGHTLY a concern of mine. I was more worried that I would lose a child to SIDS, or the twin absorption thing or whatever (when still in early utero), than I was of having a child with cancer.
My sons taught me to always trust my gut, don't question the fact that I know my child better than the doctors, and to NEVER EVER feel bad about getting a second opinion. To stand up and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for my children. Keep PUSHING.
My sons also taught me to pray. I already prayed, I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter I prayed EVERY single night for a healthy, happy, wonderful child. That she would be healthy first and foremost. I prayed that same prayer for my twins.
However, when my son was diagnosed with cancer...my prayers, became so much more earnest and sincere. I was praying with every cell in my body. Sobbing as I prayed, down on my knees, asking God to be with my son. Asking God to be with my sons doctors. Asking God to be with my other two children, asking God to be with my HUSBAND who was hurting so bad during all of this because he felt so very powerless. I prayed to God, to be with ME. Because I did NOT feel even remotely strong enough to get through this.
Mommy's want to kiss away the boo boo's to make their babies feel better. I couldn't kiss away my sons cancer. I couldn't kiss away my other sons seizures. I was power less. It was all out of MY control. That was so hard to accept. I wasn't in control of the situation, at all.
I think that alone was the most powerful thing my sons have taught me in the 6 years that they have been on this earth. That I control...NOTHING. I am just a speck in God's great plan. He is the master planner. I am to trust. I am to believe, and those are things I'm not always very good at!! I would rather be in control of things most of the time. I have a VERY hard time letting go and letting someone else be in control of something. It's been a HUGE struggle of mine for my entire life.
I can have all of the routine, schedule, planning that I want. While usually my sons are great with that kind of stuff and need it, they also make sure to show me just how little I really know, and how I still don't control diddly squat even IF I have everything planned down to the millisecond. That's just not how life works, you can't be a control freak and expect it to actually work.
Thank you for that lesson sons!
They also taught me I am much better at multi tasking than I thought I was. Though, I am still not that hot at it some days.
They also taught me that it's ok to not be the 'perfect' mom. I don't need to be perfect, they already think I am the perfect mom for them. They love me to the moon and back, and that's what counts. They don't care if my hair is always wore the same way, they don't care if I'm in my PJ's all day, or if I'm not as skinny as some other mom. They don't care. I'm the one who nurtures, snuggles, cuddles, feeds, protects, hugs and kisses, reads a story too, cares for, EVERY single day. I'm their mom. Perfection, has no place there, because life isn't perfect. Life is messy. Life is chaotic, life is fun, life can be miserable too, life is REAL. Life is all around us.
They also taught me that all of those "twin-isms" are not always true. My twins never had their own secret language. My twins never seemed to read each others minds. Though they DO sometimes say the same things at exactly the same time. They also taught me that people can ask some of the stupidest most obvious questions to twin moms, and that I'm no different than others because I STILL find myself saying some of the EXACT same stuff to other twin moms. Seriously? WHY would I do that? Duh.
I was so scared when I found out I was having twins. I cried my heart out. I sobbed. I was crying out of fear, not because I didn't want them. I loved them instantly, but I just felt in adequate. I felt like I wasn't enough to raise twins. I'd say, I've done ok. I've been just enough of what they need. I couldn't imagine life without them in it, I don't even want to THINK about life without them in it.
They bring so much joy, humor, pride, strength, love, courage, awesomeness, to my life that my cup over flows daily in blessings between all three of my children.
I don't know why or how God chose me to parent these small tiny beings, but I am so thankful that he did.
It's been a crazy six years filled with lots of ups and downs. I know we still have a long road ahead of us, many MANY more adventures to come. My little guys are no longer my 'babies'. They ceased being babies the end of last year. I noticed a change in them. Just one day I blinked and suddenly they weren't those chubby cheeked babies I've snuggled and loved on for years. They were suddenly...little BOYS. Growing young men that were changing right before my eyes.
Splatters of freckles across their sweet faces, loose and wiggly teeth, knowing how they want their own hair styled, taking their own showers, pretending to shave their face with dad, reading and writing and doing math, coming home laughing and talking to each other about things that have happened at school or on the bus. Making friends, and not the same friends as each other but branching out, embracing their own separate identities. Finding their interests.
Oh gosh. It's scary business guys. They grow up. You can't keep them that little innocent baby forever. Before you know it that sweet tiny baby phase is gone. Gone now are the days when they smelled like baby. Like baby powder, baby lotion, baby wipes, baby shampoo, baby laundry soap...those days are gone. Gone are the days of waking up off and on all night to change diapers, feed them, burp them, hold them cuddle them, or even play at 3am when they had no intention of going back to sleep for another two hours. Those days are gone. I find myself missing it. Knowing that I wished it away too quickly because I was so tired. I just wanted to "get through it" and keep enough sanity so I could sleep in some day.
Funny thing is...they are six years old now and I am still just as tired NOW as I was six years ago. Now it's just normal every day. Back then, it was still sorta new. My daughter had been a pretty good sleeper (she spoiled me I guess).
I miss nursing my children. I didn't get to nurse as long as I had wanted, but I loved the close ness of feeding my children. I loved the bond, I loved knowing that MY body was enough to sustain their tiny little bodies and help it grow. It's amazing. To me it's a miracle what our bodies can do.
Today my sons are huge Lego fans, they love motorcycles, race cars, Power Rangers, Super Heroes, Pokémon, board games, Mine Craft, puzzles, helping me cook, helping me garden, they love love love to learn. They love to build things and design things. One son wants to go into architecture and construction, and I think he would do an amazing job! The other son, wants to build race cars and race motorcycles when he's not busy building race cars, he says he'd also like to be a fire fighter. I can definitely see him doing all of those things too. He likes adventure!
Right now, there is nothing in this world that they CAN'T do. They can do ANYTHING they set their minds to.
The world is theirs for the exploring. But I hope they always keep a bit of that innocence. I don't care how big those boys get, I will still always see my sweet little babies. I will always know the struggles they faced as babies, the fears they had as young children. I will always remember their favorite things, I will remember which stuffed animal they cuddled with forever. I will never forget how their smell changed as they grow older, I will always know the sound of their voices in a crowded room and be able to tell, at a moment if something is wrong.
These boys they grew inside of me. They are a part of me. I have loved these boys from day one. I have prayed for them, I have cried for them and I know I will do that so many more times over the course of their lives. They have so much growing yet to do. So many choices yet to make. Will they always make good choices as they grow up into young men? I have no idea, but I'm sure they won't always make the right choices, but I pray they will. I pray they will know that I love them, and so does God. That I have always loved them, and only want to see them do wonderful, good things, but am realistic enough to know, that they will sometimes fail...and that failure is ok too, it gives you a chance for growth, to try again.
Too many times I see siblings drift apart or fight with each other. My husband is not very close with his younger siblings. His mom isn't really close with her siblings either. To be honest, I'm not nearly as close with my sisters as I would like to be, as I should be. It's not a cycle I want to see continue. I encourage my children to be close, and to work together. I want them to know they CAN work through things together, and that TOGETHER we CAN make it through the rough patches in life. I want them to know that Mom and Dad will NOT be on this earth for ever (as much as I hate to think about it). It's the truth. Some day, hopefully later, MUCH later on down the road, my husband and I won't be here anymore. Our children, will only have each other. I want them to be close siblings, not the kind that are too busy for each other. No matter how old you get, your sibling, is still your sibling.
Tonight, we took the boys out to eat at their favorite Mexican restaurant, where they then proceeded to order a cheese burger and fries. Don't ask that they eat when we go out to Chinese. My kids just don't make any sense. Anyway, while we were there my husband told the waiter that our sons were turning six, and so several minutes later they came out with sombreros at the ready and ice cream for the boys as a special birthday celebration. One son, was NOT liking all of the extra attention, the other son was grinning ear to ear and thought it was the most amazing thing ever. They've always been like that though! What's super funny is the fact that we have always done blue for our first son, and red for our second son, and without even being told the waiters put the correct color of hat on each kid. Even my sons saw the humor in that and pointed it out.
Ten years from now my sons will be on the eve of their 16th birthday. I hope they will still be just as amazing as they are right now. I also hope I can get them to wear sombrero's for me again!
Here is a quote from one of my favorite children's books called "January's Child" by Andrea Alban Gosline
"April's Child, is a cloudy parade, where butterflies glide through the sky in shade. You color the world the way you live. You are curious, unique, and imaginative.
I am thoughtful, I stretch, I float, I create, I am open, I hope, I honor, I wait" -- From January's Child by Andrea Alban Gosline
My amazing little boy (big boy now), Circus Son #1. You amaze me. You've always been so sweet hearted and kind. I've always called you my Mr. Teddy Bear, or my little Marshmallow. You are so much more than that to me. You've always known when Mommy needs a cuddle, or an extra hug and an extra I love you. You are generally so agreeable and you work so very hard. You are always proud of all of your work and you always try your best. You are my oldest son, my first born little boy. I still remember my first glimpse of your sweet chubby cherub face. I was so in love with you, and I still am today. I love your freckles and that sweet little mole by your mouth. You make me smile every day. I love how much you've grown and matured over the school year, everyone see's it and I'm so proud of you. You are so good at math, and the way you love soccer, I am amazed. I don't know where you got your soccer gene from but I am so glad you love every part of soccer! I really enjoy watching you play soccer, I love watching you light up as you kick that ball down the field, I love that huge smile on your face after you've made a goal, and the way you high five your brother as you trade spots on the field. I love how at times you are impulsive and just do things, yet at the same time you are cautious and careful and observe before you do things. You tend to think things through a little bit better than your brother...usually anyway. I absolutely am impressed with all of your Lego creations and I have no doubt in my mind that you would make a fantastic architect and carpenter! I can see you doing whatever you set your mind to. I am so proud of who you are, and I love you so very much.
To my other truly amazing little boy, big boy...Circus Son #2. Wow. You've come a long way in six years. You kicked cancer's ass buddy. We were both blind sided by cancer, our whole family was. We were so scared for you. The hole you would have left if you weren't in our lives...nothing would have ever filled that void. You've always been a stubborn, fiery little boy, from the moment you were born! You never gave up, you never quit. You still don't back down. Sometimes that makes things a bit difficult for all of us, but I understand that's just who you are. You are doing your best, you are learning, and you'll get there. Some days you are impulsive and the biggest dare devil. You have given me so many gray hairs, and I treasure every single one of them. I love hearing you laugh, and hearing you say "Mommy watch this!" Because I know you are about to do something that is going to scare the crap out of me, but I am happy to know that you are fear less, when we spent so much of your life living in fear as to what the cancer was doing. You live without fear, and that amazes me. You are so smart, and I know you have the ability to do so much, you just have to WANT to do it, and finding the thing that makes you want to do things...can be tricky. But we'll get there. I love how you never give up and you keep on going and going. Yet you are so compassionate and caring for others. The way you worry about other children and anyone who is sick, touches my heart. You make friends everywhere you go and are such a little charmer. I love you so very much my sweet fighter. Thank you, for being you.
I think this is incredibly accurate on my two little April boys. They've brought April Showers of love into my life, and May flowers always fill my life from their love. I couldn't have ever asked for more wonderful sons, I am beyond honored to be their Mom.
Happy Birthday to the two most amazing sons in the world. I love you so very very much.
Mom Circus
