Please Pray For My Son Keegan

Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Count to 10.  Breathe.  Stay calm.  Do not freak out.  DO NOT freak out.  Do not jump to conclusions, do not work yourself into a tizzy. 

Today, for like the 3rd time in my life (I think that's an accurate count?) I heard words I never want to hear again. Words I've been dreading the sound of for 2 years. 

Keegan had one of his cancer scans today, the CT scan.  Keegan did a great job, such a great big wonderful brave cooperative little boy.  FANTASTIC.

However.

The CT found some things that are a little troublesome.

There were 5 swollen lymph nodes in the retroperitaneal region (which means lower abdomen).  We don't know exactly what this indicates yet, just that they are swollen.  The largest is 2.7cm, roughly the size of a large grape. 

We will know know more until Friday when Keegan goes in for his MIBG scan. 

The MIBG will light up if it IS Neuroblastoma cells in these lymph nodes. If they DO light up...they will schedule a date to biopsy the nodes, and do a bone marrow draw to test if it is in his bone marrow.  They will immediately test the marrow and biopsy of the nodes.  Depending on what they find from that immediate testing....it will determine whether or not they place a new port in, or not.  If they place a port...he will begin treatment.  He will more than likely get a stem cell transplant.  From the way they explained it, it would be his own cells, not a donors (if he does need a donor, his twin brother Marshall will be the one they go to for the donation of stem cells). 

However.  We cannot jump to conclusions.  We cannot ASSUME this means his cancer is back. It could merely be an infection.  There are a million different reasons lymph nodes can be enlarged.  These are not the same lymph areas that were affected the first time he fought Neuroblastoma.  The first time it started in his Adrenal Glands, spread to his liver, and was around his spleen area (I was not aware it had been near or affecting his spleen until today! That would have been nice to know).  But these spots are apparently even further back in his abdominal area (which worries me!)  When he had surgery at 6 months they had to do surgery on his back bone to remove turmor that was growing up his vertabrae and was starting to press against his spinal sac). 

So I'm really trying not to flip the fluck out. 

I'm not doing so well.

REALLY trying. 

I cry. 
I calm down.
I cry. 
I calm down.

It's a cycle.

I think my kids are tired of me hugging them.  *sigh*  I can't help it.  I don't want to let them go.

My husband is freaking out, he's kind of shut himself down and went into silent mode because he's very concerned.  Our hearts ache.  We're scared. 

Every day I read about kids fighting the same cancer as Keegan.  Every day I read about those kids relapsing, or dying.  It's bleak.  It scares the shit out of me.  I don't want that to be my son.  I don't want it to be ANY child. 

I look at that BEAUTIFUL little boy, with his amazing smile and gorgeous BIG BROWN FUN EYES.  That little maniac laughter, that daring sense of adventure, his NEVER GIVE UP attitude.  His independance, his...amazingness.  I love that boy with all my heart and soul.  I don't want him to go through any more than he has already gone through.  I for one, do NOT think I am strong enough to go through watching him go through all of this again, if that is what happens.  Like I said, we don't know what all of this means yet. It could be, and hopefully IS NOTHING. 

Trying to remember, I do not control ANYTHING.  God is fully in control, this is in HIS HANDS.  NOT mine.  I have to have faith, I have to believe God knows what he is doing, even if I don't!

I would appreciate any prayers that could be said for Keegan the next few days.  Please pray that the scans are good, and please pray for the doctors and nurses that will be working with Keegan on Friday.  Please pray that Keegan will be calm and cooperative, please pray for me and the rest of my family as well.  Thank you.

Mae