Happily Never After? Not Quite.

Ok first and foremost I have to say that my sister in law and Faith got to go home from the hospital today, which is WONDERFUL! SO happy for them!

Tomorrow Faith will be a week old! Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's already been a week since she was born, how insane is that!  It will be another week, or two before I see her again.  When she goes in for her first baby check up she will be getting an appointment to see a specialist on what can be done about her hands and feet.  Hopefully it will be all good news! So say a little prayer for my niece!

My sister in law called me tonight to say how much she loved her and the babies room and how surprised she was to come home and see it looking so wonderful. She's living with my Mother in law and her and the baby are sharing a room at the moment.  She had nothing for the baby (other than the items I had given her which she won't be using for several more months) when Faith was born, but by the time she came home my Mother in law and I had everything ready for her.  TONS of baby girl clothes all washed folded and put away, diapers, wipes, baby swing, you name it we had it all ready for her and full of new batteries and just primped and primed and ready to go! All she had to do was come home sit back, and take care of that new baby.

I wish I would have had someone do all of that FOR ME before I came home with my kids! Everything I did for her, is stuff I wish I would have had done for me, things that would have been so sweet and nice a little appreciative touch.  But alas, I have been on my own with my husband both times we've had kids, so we just relied on each other to do everything.  Not that I mind, but you know a little extra help would have been nice, but we managed so apparently it wasn't that awful.

Anyway, tomorrow morning I head to another town with several volunteers from the local shelter I volunteer at.  We're taking some dogs to an adoption event, so I'm looking forward to that. Just hoping it isn't too hot!

The kids also had a dentist appointment the other day and everything looked great.  They all have healthy strong perfect little teeth.  That's always a relief to hear that! They go back in for their next check up in February. Kamilah was excited when they taught her how to floss her own teeth (I'll admit I haven't pushed the whole flossing thing with them yet because I didn't think they were quite old enough to do it themselves and the one time I tried to floss their teeth for them they through a FIT).  But I do push the teeth brushing! So I was glad to hear they had great teeth, and they are all now quite fond of flossing and letting Mommy help them with it, so that's a win! They got new tooth brushes and new tooth paste and their own little floss kits, which they were super excited about, and they all have their own brushing timer now instead of sharing one. They did tell us that one of Kams teeth grew in backwards (if that makes sense?) The part of her tooth that is supposed to be on the inside of her mouth, is on the outside of her mouth (Like the inside of the roof of her mouth)  You can't really tell any difference just looks like she has an odd little growth on one of her back teeth, it is something I had noticed for a while but my husband has it too so we didn't really think much of it.  The dentist explained what it was the other day though, first time anyone had ever really said anything about it. We were also told that Keegan has a narrow bottom jaw line and will probably have some over crowding issues when he's older and his big teeth grow in, kind of figured that would happen to atleast one of my kids.  I had VERY crooked teeth when I was younger (inherited from my dad).  I ended up with braces when I was 15, so we kind of figured atleast one of the kids will need braces when they are older and it looks like it might just be Keegan.  They also said that Keegan's teeth look great even considering he's had chemo (he was getting his last chemo when he got in his first tooth!)  I was always afraid the chemo would mess up his teeth, but it looks like the chemo had no affects on his teeth, which is a relief.  I was always worried about that!

Marshall was such a big brave boy, he volunteered to go first at the dentists because Kams chickened out and didn't want to go first and Keegan was a bit unsure.  Marshall hopped right up their with a big ol' grin.  I was so proud of him! He was such a big boy! Keegan wanted to go next as he thought it was all really fun looking, so he was my next big boy.  Kams was still a little...unsure.  But after some encouragement she went and did just fine.  They got good praise from the dentist for being so good too.

Now on to the reason for this post.

Marriage.

Yeh that thing. That crazy lil thing called "love".

I've got a few friends who seem to have (atleast on outward appearences and everything) the "perfect" marriages.  Where everyone sees them as pristine squeaky clean couples with ZERO marital issues.  To me, those are the fakest marriages ever. 

Every married couple has SOME kind of issues whether they want to admit it or not.

Sure, some are a little more vocal about their marital problems than others, but generally everyone has some kind of issue.

Some talk about it on facebook, or atleast mention a tid bit here and there, they may not tell the full scenario but they atleast let it be known they are not pleased with their other half.  Which is something I did tonight. I'm a bit miffed with the hubster.  Personally, I think I have every right to be and I really don't care who knows I'm irritated with him.  Doesn't mean I don't LOVE him, because I do, other wise I wouldn't have married him or had 3 beatiful children with him.  Just means, right now he's on my doo doo list.

A friend posted a picture on FB tonight about how wives should never talk bad about their husbands to anyone, ever. 

I give a big huge *eye roll* to that. 

I'm not going to say I'm the BEST wife ever, but I am CERTAINLY not the worst.  My husband is NOT the WORST husband ever, but he certainly could be better.  We both could.

We are human we make mistakes, we get angry and frustrated with each other, we do not always handle every situation with poise and dignity. 

They say you get what you give.  That also annoys me.  You can give the best of your self in a reletionship and still get shit back in return from your spouse. 

At my house, I do it all.  I do the majority of the cooking (the husband does like to cook supper for us several nights a week  and that is appreciated and I tell him so).  But I do the dishes, because if he does them...they sit.  I do all of the child rearing (he does occasinoally step in and help so I guess I don't do ALL of it, but I do the biggest chunk of it).  I've always been the one up from dawn till dusk and in between dealing with anything the kids needs.  Baby up all night sick?  Guess who is up with the baby?  Mommy.  Which I think is pretty normal.  Most kids want Mommy anyway when they are sick. 

Kids have doctor appointments or school things, again, it's Mommy.  Sometimes Daddy tags along but then he is usually impatient and ill tempered the entire time so we're better off just going alone without Daddy. 

I do the cleaning, I do the laundry, I take the kids outside to play with them, I teach the kids to ride their bikes, I teach the kids how to play sports, I do extra activities with them, I make sure they get play dates and get extra things done with them (like little events and stuff held in town, I make sure we go to those things).  I organize our entire life. 

My husband has already admitted time and time again that if I weren't here, he would be clueless and everything would fall apart and he couldn't do anything the kids needed.

Ontop of all that my husband has several health issues that have only gotten worse in the past 5 years. 

Back in December 2006 (a month before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter) my husband was in a bad accident and was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they had to do all kinds of scans and stuff to make sure he was ok.  At the time they passed him as OK.  But since then, he's had a million and one issues.  Not to mention the issues he already has. 

He has Rheumatoid arthritis and is miserable pretty much every single day. 
They think he has fibromialgia (always spell that wrong, sorry).  Further testing is needed to prove it though. 

Currently he is suffering from a build up of fluid in his NECK.  He has very bad headaches and often gets bloody noses because of the pressure on his head. 

He has a very difficult time sleeping and is on restless leg medicine which sometimes helps and sometimes doesn't.  He is also diabetic, though on that I do not feel too sorry for him on because if he would change up his diet and eat the way I try to get him to eat I do not think he would have so many issues with that, but he will not listen to me on it.

Because of all of his medical issues, he also has depression.  He feels useless and like he is of no use to the family.  Most days he is too achey to move much and it takes all of his energy to do even a few simple tasks and being on his feet for more than a couple of hours can cause his knees and back to give out on him.  He's only 27 years old.  So that also makes him depressed. He is dealing with many issues that a man his age shouldn't have to deal with.  But he's had a very physically rough life.  He's broken most of the bones in his body throughout his life in car accidents, abuse received as a child, and as injuries playing sports. 

He used to be a very active, very physically fit, very slender young man.  He played every sport you can think of.  Cross country track, basketball, football, he has played soccer and baseball, track, he was on a swim team, and he was in wrestling which was his favorite sport.  He played these sports with everything in him.  When he was a senior he was told he could no longer play sports because his knees and back were so bad from so many injuries he had received.  He was crushed.  Sports, were everything to him.  He kind of gave up at that point.  His eating habits weren't so good after that, and he didn't do as much as he used to.  I think that is when he started being depressed about things, but not until the past couple of years has it gotten noticeable.

Ontop of all the physical issue, he has some learning comprehension problems, he is by NO MEANS unintelligent he just has to go about learning things a little differently. He does just fine in college, he just needs a little help when it comes to reading and writing, and some things have to be explained a little differently but he can keep up with the rest and does just fine, he always did fine in high school too. 

He's not afraid to work, this man has worked 2-3 jobs at a time for the first 5 years we were out of high school just to make sure we could pay all of our bills and do things ON OUR OWN.  If it's a job, he'll take it, as long as it's legal and he gets paid for it. No job is "too low" for him.  He's mowed lawns with a lawn company in town, been in fast food, been a paper boy, worked at a nursing home, been a farm hand, done construction work, worked at other restaurants, and everything in between. 

So I'm not going to lie when sometimes we fight.  We  get mad at each other.  We get frustrated, annoyed, bent out of shape yadda yadda. 

I'm tired ALL the time from stupid thyroid issues (that are driving me bonkers!) and from being up from sun up till sun down and in between with the kids ontop of everything else I do.  So being tired I'm not always in the greatest of all moods. 

My husband who hurts nearly all the time, and some days are worse than others can get cranky and cross and down right hateful some days.  Those are the days we're just at each others throats nearly all day.  We TRY not to bicker in front of the kids, but that's hard to do since they never give us a moments peace to ourselves. 

The past 3 years have been pretty stressful for us.

The birth of the twins, that's always a big adjustment for any family! We were having to live with friends during the last 4 months of my pregnancy and that was nothing but stress and frustration the entire time.  Then we got our own place right after their birth, and then BAM we were hit with cancer.  No time to adjust to a toddler and twins.  We went straight into the world of Childhood Cancer. 

We were STRESSED to the MAX.  Men display emotions differently than women.  He didn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I did.  I wasn't afraid to cry my eyes out and be sad about our sons cancer, I didn't feel bad showing when I was happy or feeling encouraged that day.  I wore my emotions openly.  My husband is not like that.  So in my mind...his lack of "emotion" meant he didn't care about our son and his cancer.  So I got VERY emotional over it (not to forget the fact I JUST had the boys and was still dealing with post partum hormones, and I KNOW I had some post partum depression too).  I never got a chance to really reign in and deal with all of my post pregnancy hormones and stuff because we went right into Keegan's cancer. 

So he was working all the time, never home, and I was always at the hospital with Keegan and the kids had to stay with people from our church because my Mother in law had used up her time off when she tried to come down and help us after the twins were born (tried to help, because her and my husband got into and she left early).  So I was devastated I had to spend so much time away from my daughter and other newborn child, angry because my husband couldn't BE THERE with me when I needed him (well he had to work, but in my mind I NEEDED him). So yes, we went through a LOT.

Cancer almost killed our marriage.

We were seriously about to call it quits.  We almost gave up on each other.

But we didn't. 

October 22nd we will have been married for 6 years, and on Nov. 9th we will have been together for 12 years.  We've made it through a lot.  We haven't given up on each other yet, and I hope we don't.  We've always just had each other to rely on.  I have his back, he has mine.  Even on our worst days.  We may be mad at each other and tell each other what we think, whether it be nice or not....if someone messes with one of us, the other one is right there.  We are there for each other. 

I may not always have as much patience and understanding for my husband as I should considering all the health issues he has going on, but I love him.  I know he is the way he is and we can't undo it.  We didn't know any of this was going to happen when we got together. 

He may be a big pain in the butt 85% of the time, but he is MY pain in the butt and I love him anway.  Yes we bicker and banter and irritate the crap out of each other 45% of the time, but we also love each other and understand each other.  I can be so mad at him and the next moment, he does the things that make me laugh, and that's that.  He's the only person I know that can do that.

He is my best friend. 

He knows all of my secrets and about every single part of my life, and I know all of his secrets and about every single part of his life.

I trust him and he trusts me.

I don't get jealous when he talks to other women, because I know I don't have to worry about that.

He loves his children with all of his heart and he talks about them all the time to anyone who will listen.  He feels awful that he can't be the one out there teaching the boys how to play football and pushing them on the swings and teaching them how to ride their bikes.  But you better believe when we go to the park as a family he musters up all of the energy he has and he PLAYS with his children while we're at the park.  He may be in severe pain by the time we get home and pretty much collapse upon walking in the door and be out of it for the rest of the day, but he forces himself to spend as much time with them as he can. Those are HIS babies and he loves them, and his children love him dearly.  Kamilah calls him "Daddio" she'll walk in the door from playing outside or being at Grandma's house or home from preschool.  She runs in the door drops whatever she has and runs straight for Daddy yelling "Daddio! I love you! I missed you!"  Sweetest.  Thing.  Ever.  He happily accept every scrap of paper with any scribble on it his kids hand to him.  He is thrilled when Kams wants Daddy to come in and read her a bedtime story at night.  He loves it when the boys beg him to lay down with them at night.  He thinks it's funny when the kids ask Daddy to do their baths at night and not Mommy.  He loves it when the kids devour a meal he made, when it's the same meal I made the week before and they didn't touch it at all.  Makes him feel good they prefered his dish over mine. 

So our marriage isn't perfect.  I could be more patient and more forgiving and more well, less bitchy, less demanding, and less perfectionist.  But he could be more patient too, and less self centered, and less whiney, and more helpful. 

We know we aren't perfect, we know our marriage isn't perfect.  But we know we love each other and that we've always got each other. 

When I was out of town this week and he called me while I was at his moms and he told me had been at the hospital because of the fluid in his neck, I cried.  I am incredibly worried about that fluid building up there, it is not a good thing.  The sooner he gets to St. Louis and gets this checked out and taken care of the better.

My worst fear, is I'll lose my husband.  We are so worried that he'll have another heart attack (yes he had a mild heart attack 3 months after Keegan was diagnosed with cancer, just a couple weeks before we found out that Keegan's cancer was spreading and he needed an 8 hour surgery and would start chemo days after that surgery).  That was a very scary moment in our lives! My father died when I was a year and a half old.  I don't know my Father.  I do not want my children to be in the same boat.  I want them to know their father.

To all of the goody goody house wives out there saying all the "do's and don't's" of marriage, I say?  Mind your own business.  Do what works for you.  If you are living the "perfect" marriage, then that is wonderful, I'm happy for you.  Maybe you can write a book one day and tell us how wonderful everything is and how you did it (and I tend to find that the "perfect" marriages are genearlly newly married couples who have no children yet). 

No one lives the same life.  You don't know what stress we have in our life, and we don't know what's going on in your life.  We all handle sadness, anger, depression, busy schedules etc differently.  We all have different personalities and religious beliefs and morals which plays a huge role in how we handle a situtation. 

Should we necessarily blast our anger out on facebook?  Nah, probbaly not.  Does it happen?  Yes. But I don't ever post anything on FB that I haven't already said to my husband first so he knows darn well what I think.  Does he necessarily like it when I vent on FB?  No.  But he isn't a fan of FB anyway.  But he knows that's how I vent, and if not given that chance  to vent and get out my frustrations....he's just  going to have a more irritated wife later on.  He's better to just me get it out and move on, and he has realized this!

We both have a bad habit of not letting things drop and continuing to nag nag nag at each other, and instead of just DROPPING the conversation and walking away....oh no.  Someone...has to say something. We can't just NOT say anything.  That is our biggest downfall.  We are both doing our best to work on that one!

I think the best thing you can do in a marriage is realize you aren't perfect.  Take a look at what you are BOTH doing wrong and do your best to manage it.  Find the problem, and confront it.  Don't ignore it (we try to ignore our problems sometimes too and that usually bites us in the bum). 

Address don't stress.  That's a good motto to go by.  Address the issue and don't stress about it. And realize when one says they need to have a moment alone...you might want to give it to them, but that isn't always easy.

My husband has a HORRIBLE habit of wanting to talk at the WORST possible times.  Right when I'm in the middle of being very busy (on the phone, dressing or bathing a child, working, or when we have company over.  And for some reason, I have no idea why, anytime his mom comes to visit he picks fights. No idea why.  Drives me NUTS never fails.  His mom comes to visit and we are always arguing when she walks in the door, and I have no issues with my mother in law, I love her to bits.  We've had some slight misunderstandings in the past but those are things we laugh at now and they were really no big deal at the time.  As far as mother in laws go, I got very lucky! But still for some reason him and I are always cranky when she gets here and she nearly has to put us in time out.  (My daughter really does send us to time out when my husband and I start getting mad at each other she says "Daddy YOU fired, Mommy YOU Fired go to your room!"  Smart child. 

Mind you we aren't talking big ol huge fights going on in our house, that is not allowed.  This is more of nagging banter.  I know some coupels who have knock down drag out fights and that's not something we want in our lives.  We try to keep the "conversations" PG13 atleast! We never want our kids to think Mommy and Daddy hate each other. 

I jsut find it annoying though when people go on and on about their "rose bud" marriage.  And how their doo don't stink, and all the other married couple are doing it wrong.  I can honestly say I've seen many of those "rose smelling" marriages end in divorce and THEN those are usually the same ones that totally trash talk each other after all is said and done THEN you see the real them. 

My husband and I are just a young (27 is still young, right?) married couple doing our best in this world to raise our 3 kids and be there for each other.  We don't always do everything we right, we make mistakes.  We just do our best and keep on pluggin along. 

Mae